Everybody Hurts
by Rowan Arkenson
Summary: FINISHED Everybody hurts–especially those who are in love with a girl who won’t even look at them. But James will soon realise that he’s not the only one with problems. LJ kind of lovehate but more original than most. PG13language&adult themes.
1. An Ocean Of Denial

**"Everybody Hurts"**

**Rowan Arkenson**

**Summary: **Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems... 

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine. :) enjoy.

**A/N:** hope you like the story. This is an L/J story. Kind of love/hate, but more original than most. The rating is PG13 because there's some swearing in here and some what I guess you would call "adult" themes but what I think of more as teenage themes. Please review. ~rowanx

**Chapter One – An ****Ocean**** of **Denial********

James looked up as Lily bounded in, her red hair flowing about her soft shoulders. Her green eyes caught the sun that poured in from the window and reflected pure beauty. James felt his heart leap up into his throat. It continued on up to his mouth, breaking it into a pleasurable smile. Lily, as sweet as her name, waltzed over to her friends, carrying her books tightly in her perfectly shaped hands. She sat down on a chair and flung her hair over her left shoulder, the way she always did when greeting her friends, baring that beautifully tempting shoulder that longed for James to kiss it…

"Oh bollocks!"

James shook his head and turned to his best friend. He looked down at the chessboard. He, like Sirius quite blatantly, could see no move that would result in Sirius not losing. It was obvious that Sirius' opponent, Peter, was feeling the same thing. It seemed as though he was trying hard not to laugh as he said, "Checkmate."

"Damnit." Sirius leaned back in his chair in a huff. Cursing a few more times he crossed his arms immaturely and pouted.

Remus nudged James. "Doesn't look too good for Sirius does it?"

"Shut up," said Sirius, having heard the unwanted comment.

Remus ignored this. He leaned over to James and spoke quietly in his ear. "Lily just came in."

"Really?" said James trying to sound surprised.

"But then you already know that. By the way you were staring at her for five minutes it seems as though you couldn't believe it." A smirk appeared at the side of Remus' mouth while he watched James try to avoid his eyes. "James, did you know Lily was in Gryffindor? I mean, she is going to be in here a lot, did you know that? Obviously not from the fact that you _always _seem surprised to see her, always staring at her and everything…"

"Yes!" Sirius jumped to his feet. Everyone in the common room looked over as Sirius made a huge show to move his knight three diagonal spaces to the right. He did a little dance, sitting down as slowly as possible. He grinned broadly and sprawled across his chair casually.

Peter gave a mock-impressed look. "Wow," he said. "Great move. There's just the tiny matter of this." Moving forward, he moved his queen five spaces to the left. Letting Sirius fully understand it first (taking about a whole minute in total), Peter said calmly, "Check."

James and Remus left the common room and quickly exited to their dormitory, letting Sirius throw anther one of his tantrums. They fell onto their beds laughing at Sirius' immaturity, and imagining the expression on Peter's face as he hid under a table, waiting for their friend to stop throwing things around. Sirius hardly ever lost a chess game, and when he did the repercussions weren't good.

"So," said James

"So." Remus gave James a look. A very _intriguing_ look. A look that plainly said "look-I-know-you-fancy-Lily-I-know-you-were-staring-at-her-you're-always-staring-at-her-so-why-don't-you-just-admit-to-it-and-I-can-start-laughing-at-you-and-threatening-to-tell-Sirius-whilst-watching-watching-you-squirm-which-would-amuse-me-greatly". James had a lot of experiences with looks.

"No."

To anyone else, this "So", "So", "No" conversation the two were having would confuse the hell out of them, but James gave Remus his serious look; the kind he kept for very rare occasions when he felt pissed off and enough was enough. He quite often had to use this look on Sirius when he was getting out of hand.

Remus smiled and shook his head. "Fine, ok."

James grinned, having won the practically silent argument. He knew denial was one of his weaknesses, which he denied a lot of the time, of course, but he didn't mind it really, especially if it meant that he could continue convincing himself that he was over her.

They didn't speak anymore. Lily had always hated him, as far as he knew. James knew he used to be an arrogant prick. Especially when he was in his fourth year, and Gryffindor won the Quidditch Cup largely thanks to his excellent chaser skills. He did used to think a lot of himself. He was extremely big-headed. Those were the days when Lily used to shout at him. The days when they actually conversed with words, even if they were spoken angrily. James longed for the days when Lily acknowledged his existence. About a year ago, when they were in their sixth year, Lily had seemed to have given up on James. She didn't talk to him, she didn't look at him; it was as if he'd completely disappeared. At first James had thought he'd gone invisible, and had started stealing his friends' things hoping to get away with it. But Lily's hatred of him was now so obvious it burned inside his heart. His soul was ripped and torn, stained with the blood of his broken heart; and he'd never even gone out with her.

Sirius poked James in the arm. James lifted his head up sharply and slammed his book shut. "What?" he said.

                "You feel asleep." Sirius tried to peer over at the title. "What were you reading?"

                James hastily hid his book under the table. "Nothing."

                Sirius narrowed his eyes. "You're up to something."

                "No I'm not."

                "Yes you are."

                "No, I'm not!"

                "Prongs, I've been friends with you for years, and I can tell when you're up to something."

                James almost wanted to smile but then found he couldn't. Reluctantly, he pulled out a book from under the table. Sirius read the title of the book eagerly, then gasped and stood up dramatically. A few people in the common room looked over. "Oh Prongs, thou hast been wronged! Someone has unruly planted a "Passing Your NEWTs With Newty Colours" in thee's hands! We must find the culprit, and throw him to the lions!"

                After a few minutes James said, "Dude have you been reading a dictionary? Your vocabulary seems to have gone past 'damnit', 'bollocks' and 'no'."

                Sirius sat down again laughing. "Come on man what are you reading that for? You know you're at the top of all our classes!"

                James sighed. "I know, but I really need to get at least an 'E' in everything if I want to become an auror," he explained.

                "Yeah, which you'll definitely get!" Sirius laughed. "What's wrong, Prongs? You used to be so laid back."

                James frowned and didn't look up. "Yeah well I grew up."

                "What's that supposed to mean?" Sirius asked defensively.

                "Well, you're not exactly Mr Mature are you?"

                Sirius glared. "Who gave you the right to hand out names all of a sudden?"

                "No one," said James getting angry, "but if I want to work because I actually want to get a good job after Hogwarts then…"

                "Are you saying I won't get a good job?" asked Sirius standing up. "You're no better than me, James. At times you're just as stupid as I am. And I'm better than you are at a lot of things you know."

                James stood up angrily. "Yeah you are. I never said you weren't! I'm just saying that maybe you'd better start facing facts! You're going to have to work if you want to get any NEWTs!"

                "Well I think I'm going to have less of a problem with it than you!" said Sirius. "Your head's always in the clouds – you're always daydreaming. And about who? We all know James! We're not stupid! We all know you're in love with her! But it's pointless; why would she ever go out with you, you're a moron! She hates you, and now I understand why!"

                With no idea how it had happened, James suddenly had his hand around Sirius' neck and was pinning him up against the wall. James was looking into his best friend's face with such anger that Sirius thought he was going to kill him. But as quickly as the anger had risen, it disappeared. James suddenly looked shocked and released Sirius, stepping away from him. Sirius didn't move. The two stared at each other for a bit, conflicted emotions showing on both faces. Eventually, Sirius spoke, sounding regretful and deeply apologetic. "Prongs, listen mate, I didn't mean…"

                But James had turned away from him. He was about to walk out of the dormitory when he saw her. She was standing a few metres away, staring not at him, but at Sirius, in shock, as if she couldn't look at him so was staring at Sirius instead. Then, right as James was about to run away, she turned and looked at him. Really looked at him. James stared into her green eyes, transfixed and breathing heavily, still recovering from the fight. She looked at him. She was standing so close he could see his own eyes reflected perfectly into hers. Then he turned, and walked out of the dormitory, walking quickly and not looking back.

James knew that Lily had heard everything that was said – of course she did – but in true James tradition, he refused to believe it. So he walked straight down to the Quidditch pitch, called for his broom which in seconds came from somewhere to his left and flew into his hands, and launched off into the air. James sighed contentedly. The cool breeze ran past his face, blowing his hair back. He soared through the grey skies and ignored the thunder clouds overhead. He ignored the fact that everyone who had heard the argument had probably guessed by now that they'd been talking about Lily. He ignored the fact that he'd just held his best friend up to the wall by his neck. He ignored the fact that Lily _knew_. He ignored the fact that she despised him. He ignored the fact that even just thinking about her sent shivers down his spine. He ignored the fact that his heart was now drumming against his pained chest. He ignored the fact that he felt faint. He ignored the fact that his head was rushing into his stomach. And he flew.

                After about an hour or so but after what felt like years, James finally landed and immediately fell over. His breath was short and quick, his lungs ached from not getting enough air. As he lay in the damp grass he looked to the sky above. The stars twinkled at him, and he wondered how long he'd actually been flying for. After a few minutes he shakily stood up, and shivered from the cold. Wrapping his cloak around him tighter, he headed up to the castle, ignoring the fact that he was terrified of what awaited him.

When he'd got back to the castle, everyone had gone to bed, and so he immediately followed suit, but the next day was Monday, which meant he had to get up, and he had to talk to people.

                As his eyes blinked themselves awake, he could see a blurry figure standing over him. He reached over for his glasses and put them on, leaning up onto his elbows. It was Remus. Groaning, he lay back down again and pulled the covers over his head. Remus pulled them off again. "Wake up," he said.

                "Lemme alone," James mumbled.

                "Wake up," Remus repeated.

                "I am awake," James said angrily.

                "Then get up."

                Sighing hugely in protest, James swung his legs out of bed and stood up. They ached quite a bit. He suddenly wished he hadn't flown so much last night. He had Quidditch practice that evening, and being team captain, he'd be no good if he wasn't able to fly.

                When he'd got dressed he sat back down on the edge of his bed and yawned. "What time is it?" he asked Remus.

                "No idea, but if you don't stop sitting down we'll miss breakfast." Remus' stomach rumbled in agreement.

                "Well, your tummy never lies," James said with a definite nod, and stood up. He walked down to the common room with Remus to find it practically empty. "Where is…everyone else?" James asked casually.

                Remus looked at him seriously. "If you're talking about Sirius, he went down to breakfast already with Peter." James nodded and looked away. "Sirius told me what happened last night." James nodded again. "So, you still denying everything?"

                "Yep," said James, "Except it's different this time. It's not denial, because I'm not pretending. _I don't like her."_

                "Sure," said Remus. "Sure you don't."

                After an awkward silence, the two continued down to breakfast, Remus' stomach rumbling all the way. When they entered the great hall, Remus sat down purposely next to Sirius, and the only other seat left was the other side of Sirius. James had no choice but to sit next to him. "Hi," Sirius said sounding hopeful. James ignored him. Sirius slumped down again and fiddled with his spoon. "Look, I'm really sorry Prongs. I didn't mean any of the stuff I said last night."

                "Well you obviously did," James said, concentrating hard on buttering his toast, "Otherwise you wouldn't have said it."

                Sirius hesitated before answering. "Well, ok, so maybe I meant some of the stuff I said, but it was all in the heat of the moment. I really don't know why Evans hates you so much." Sirius caught the look on James' face and quickly added, "Not that you care, 'cause you hate her too, right?"

                "Yes, I do," James said, and ended the conversation. Five minutes later when Sirius said something about looking tremendously forward to Potions with their _evil _Professor Kiel, James laughed, and the two were back to normal.

                When the marauders had finished their breakfast they all stood up nosily and left the great hall. Outside James had been laughing so hard at Sirius' joke about fireworks and mysterious chickens that he bumped into someone. "Oh, sorry," he said. He looked up. He blinked. His heart hammered. His mind raced. His heart jumped into his head.

                "That's ok, James," Lily said. She smiled at him and walked on past without another word, straightening her hair after James had bumped her. James turned and gaped after her, amazed.

                "Dude, did she just talk to James?" Sirius said.

                "I think so," replied Remus in an equally surprised tone.

                "Did she just call him James?"

                "I think that happened as well."

                "Weird," Peter added.

                The three looked at James who shrugged and carried on walking. "Maybe she didn't realise it was me," he said, hoping against all hope he was wrong.

                "Of course she knew it was you," said Sirius. "She looked at you, yes?"

                "Well, yeah."

                "And she called you James, yes?"

                "Well, there are other James' in this school…"

                "She called you James, yes?"

                James sighed. "Yes, but why would she talk to me? You just stop hating someone, you know."

                "Maybe she never did hate you," Remus muttered quietly, intending on not being heard, but James whipped round.

                "What do you mean?" he asked too eagerly.

                Remus shrugged. "I don't know," he said honestly.

                "No, really, what did you mean by that?" James said again.

                Remus suppressed a grin. "I really don't know. I was just voicing a random thought aloud."

                "But, she must have hated me. She's always hated me. She told me I was a stupid arrogant arse for six years and then stopped talking to me you don't do that to your friends…"

                "Ah, I said maybe she never hated you – I never said maybe she always considered you a friend."

                "Yeah, but…"

                "Prongs," Sirius interrupted, grinning, "You seem awfully interested in finding out whether a girl you don't like likes you or not."

                James frowned and gave Sirius the evillest look he could muster. Sirius pretended to faint in shock, and they walked to their potions lesson.

James found it extremely hard to concentrate on his lessons that day for obvious reasons. It didn't help that Lily happened to be in all of them. They had all their subjects together, because they both seemed to like the same things. James stared at Lily whenever he was sure she wasn't looking. He spent those precious moments in transfiguration when Professor Dumbledore was writing on the black board with his wand "The precise steps of how to turn yourself into fire" to gaze at Lily and try to memorize her off by heart, in case he ever had to part from her, which he realised with a sickening pang he might have to do at the end of the year. James' eyes swelled up at the thought that he might never see her again, but then Dumbledore raised a curious eyebrow at James and he reluctantly tore his eyes away from his love and started copying down some notes.

                When transfiguration ended, James somehow ended up at the door at the same time as Lily. When both tried to go through at the same time Lily snapped at him, "Get out of my way, Potter," James graciously stepped aside and Lily for a moment looked surprised, as if she'd been expecting him to either shout back at her or to say something rude or sarcastic. She walked past him and he followed, wondering how much longer he was going to have to endure such pain.

                In the common room that evening, the Marauders were silently doing their homework. James and Sirius had just got back from Quidditch practice, and James was not feeling great. It had gone quite badly for the first practice of the year. He couldn't concentrate and had had to end the session early. The marauders were notorious for leaving their homework to the last minute, and James had a fifteen inch parchment to write on why you shouldn't mix unicorn blood with leprechaun blood due in for tomorrow's potions lesson. He just couldn't concentrate though; practically every other word had started with "L" and he'd had to scribble out. His parchment was blotched with mistakes. He just couldn't stop thinking about Lily. Eventually, he slammed his quill down and screwed his parchment up. "This is ridiculous!" he said, voicing his angry thoughts out loud, before throwing his scrunched up homework across the room, narrowly missing the only other person in the common room, a second year, who looked quite terrified at being under attack, and ran off to his dormitory.

                "Five points from Gryffindor, Prongs."

                "What?" asked James moodily.

                Remus smiled. "For pointlessly attacking second years," he said, sounding amused. "What's up with you?"

                "Nothing," James muttered.

                "Of course not," said Sirius smiling. "Hunting second years is just a fun sport, isn't it Prongs? Personally, I prefer first years. Much more juicy." James was the only one not laughing. "Oh sorry, mate, I was only joking, but if hunting second years is what gets you high, I seriously thing we need to call the RSPCA. And a therapist.

                "Prongs, talk to us," Peter said almost pleadingly. "What's wrong?"

                "Let me see," Sirius said, answering for James when his best friend made no attempt to do so. "Staring out of windows, staring at a certain someone I shall not mention for fear of getting my head ripped off again, lack of concentration, attacking second years, being moody with his friends when they clearly have done nothing wrong… Yep, it's definitely love."

                "Love?" repeated Peter.

                Remus turned to James. "Are you in love?" he asked with a small smile.

                "Well, maybe I am! What is love, anyway?" James asked angrily, standing up. "Is it something that's supposed to make you feel good? Sunshine and daisies and all that? 'Cause if that's what love is, then I'm definitely not in it. What I feel, it goes deeper than a black hole. I feel empty. I feel sick. I feel like my soul's been ripped out and torn apart and it's hard to just fucking breathe 'cause without my soul I'm nothing. Is that what love is? It can't be. That's not how it's supposed to go. When I'm around Lily, I feel like I'm swimming in a cool blue ocean that allows me to swim as deep as I want. I feel free, I feel happy. But then she leaves and I start to drown, because life isn't worth living without her! I _can't_ live without her! I…I just can't…"

                The marauders stared at James in shock as he stood before them, breathing heavily and feeling the prickles of sorrow behind his eyes. Remus stood up and opened his mouth but seemed unable to say anything. Even Sirius seemed at a loss for words, and his favourite sport was teasing his best friend at the best possible moments. Peter had shrunk back into his chair and was staring at James, still and silent.

                James turned to go.

                "Prongs, wait." He stopped, but didn't turn back, for fear they would see his face was stained with tears. "We had no idea you…"

                "Yeah, well now you do," James said interrupting Sirius. "You may commence making fun of me and making my life worse than it already is." James quickly walked up the stairs, ran into his dormitory and slammed it shut. He leaned against it and breathed in sharp, painful breaths, letting the trapped tears he had held for so long flow freely.

James was flying on his broomstick. He was up high, just below the clouds. He looked down at the beautiful ocean below and frowned. He didn't want the ocean anymore. It kept grabbing at him, trying to pull him under. James looked up and instead flew to the clouds.

                He was an eagle, the cleverest of them all. He tried to fly to the sun but couldn't.

                He was a nightingale, singing and chirping, enticing everything around him. He tried to fly to the endearing sun – but couldn't.

                He was an albatross, the biggest of them all – and still the sun wasn't letting him near.

                He was James, falling towards the sea, his broomstick vanished, his thoughts and identity unclear to him, his sun dimming, hiding behind a cloud…

James sat up. He was sweating and it was hard to breathe. He clutched at his chest and closed his eyes. What had the dream been about? He couldn't remember now. He breathed in deeply, letting his lungs catch the much wanted fresh air. Suddenly his curtains were thrown open and Remus was standing there looking worried. "Prongs, what is it?" Sirius was standing behind him and Peter was sitting up on his bed, looking at James worriedly.

                "What?" James asked.

                "You were yelling, but I'm not sure what you were saying."

                James frowned. "I'm fine, ok? I just had a bad dream, that's all."

                Remus nodded, looked as though he wanted to say something, but then moved away and climbed back into his bed. Sirius gave James a strange look then moved away as well. James pulled his curtains shut again and lay back down, wondering why he felt so angry. In truth and fairness, his friends had done nothing wrong at all. In fact, he was sure they'd only tried to make him feel better earlier, but all this stuff with Lily, and finally having to admit to it all, was too much for James to take. With all thoughts of the dream gone from his mind, and a fresh picture of Lily Evans plastered in the black behind his eyes, he drifted off once more into an uneasy sleep.

When he awoke the next day, Peter and Sirius were still asleep, but Remus had already gone, his bed neatly made. James banged his head down on his pillow and groaned. He tried hard to clear his head of all thoughts but found it almost impossible. Eventually, he got up and changed into jeans and an old t-shirt, pulling his robe over them. He headed down to the common room and ignored the masses of people in there. He went to breakfast and sat down purposely excluding himself from the others, not even bothering to see if anyone else was there.

                Just in time for the morning post, he watched in awe as he even now after seven years always did, watching the beautiful owls of different colours, shapes and sizes, swoop into the hall, carrying packages and parchments. Two owls landed in front of him: he hastily lifted his plate of buttered toast out of the way before one of them landed on him. The darker bird, more official looking, held out a copy of the Daily Prophet. James handed the owl some money and it flew away. He placed the newspaper down next to him and turned to the next bird, recognising it as "Swoopy" – it belonged to his parents. They'd had her for so long James had named her when he was six, coming up with the most ridiculous of names – but it had stuck, and even now, everyone still called her Swoopy. James took the letter from her beak, stroked her affectionately, and let her fly off back home. He turned to the envelope held in his hand and sighed. Reluctantly, he opened it, almost certain of what it would say: - 

                **_Dear James,_**

**_     How are you darling? I hope all your friends are ok, especially Sirius, that poor boy. But then, with a family like his, one can't really expect him not to leave that dreadful house of his!_**

**_     Are the teachers making you work hard? I should hope so. You really need those NEWTs, James, if you really want to become an auror. I know you and your friends all think you're pretty smart, but it's a tough world out there sweetie, and you really ought to work harder than perhaps you have before at Hogwarts._**

**_     Oh, the reason I write, is your father wants to know if you've had a chance to meet with Anita Wilkins yet? She really is a lovely girl, darling, beautiful, and her family have a lot of very important contacts all over the wizarding world. I don't know why you insist on being difficult, James; after all, your father and I know best, don't we? Just ask her out, that's all you have to do. I know it's embarrassing, but you're a fine young man, and I'm sure she'll say yes._**

**_     Please write back soon, I can't wait to hear how your date with her goes._**

**_Lots of love,_**

**_Mum_**

**_xxx_****__**

James groaned angrily and screwed the paper up, letting it drop onto the table. "Any news from home?" James turned and saw Remus standing over him, looking as though he'd just arrived there. He sat down next to James who forgot his resentment at his friends and made no protest against the movement.

                "Oh yes, lots," James said unenthusiastically. "Mumsie darling wants to know if my teachers are making me work hard enough because she's sure that unless I revise all day and all night all year I'm not going to get any NEWTs, because they're really super hard you know, oh, and she wants to know if me Anita Wilkins are married yet because did you know apparently we're the perfect couple! And her family have the greatest contacts in the wizarding world so who cares if I love her or not! Who cares if I even like her, Mother and Father like her and that's all that matters right?" James' fake plastered smile he had kept up during this sarcastic speech dropped immediately as he returned to his toast and picked up the Daily Prophet.

                Remus laughed. "Oh come on, James, no ones parents are _that _bad. Sirius seems to think they're lovely."

                James handed Remus the letter without looking at him. After a minute or so, Remus said, "You're right, some parents _are_ that bad."

                James scanned the headlines of the Daily Prophet, trying to forget about his as-annoying-as-hell parents. Nothing out of the ordinary had particularly happened. James had just started discussing an article on page four "Swamp Bugs and How They End Up Under Your Covers" with Remus, laughing when Remus had begun plotting getting Sirius back for putting a few in his bed, when she walked into the hall.

                It was like James had a sixth sense – and that sixth sense was Lily. As soon as she'd walked over to the Gryffindor table, he knew she was there, behind him. He closed his eyes, feeling her pass by behind him, and then turned to watch her walk away to her friends, Priscilla and November. He waited for the moment she would flick her hair over her left shoulder, knowing the exact movement off by heart as she did so…

                "Prongs?"

                James turned back, startled, to receive Remus' worried gaze on him. "You alright, mate?"

                James gulped and looked back at the paper. "Yeah, I'm fine Moony, thanks." He had almost forgotten shouting at them the previous day, had almost forgotten his admittance to loving Lily, had almost forgotten everything he had said...

                "Look, I'm really sorry we didn't see it..."

                "That's alright Moony," said James, cutting his best friend off from having to say anything else. "I guess my denial ran too far." He chuckled weakly, feeling stupid at what he just said, but Remus seemed to understand, and nodded wisely.

                "I guess it did," he said softly. He looked as though he was about to say something else but at that moment Peter and Sirius came into the hall loudly, looking as though they thought that James was upset, it wasn't their fault at all, but it was their mission to cheer him up immediately. James rolled his eyes at Remus who closed his mouth from wanting to say something and laughed quietly.


	2. Crush

**"Everybody Hurts"**

**Rowan Arkenson**

**Summary: **Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems... 

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine. :) enjoy.

**A/N:** Ooh, thankee for the reviews! Thanks to: 

**Saquoia**** – I know I updated this chapter quickly, but like you said, they do take a long time to update, so don't expect the next one to be up so soon!! Thanks – you were the first to review! :D**

**Zetta**** – Yeah, James did fancy her in the fifth year, but he had no problem with that, but now he's in love with her, the feeling is so much stronger, so he's trying to deny it, pretending he was over Lily ages ok. Oh, and that "dude" thing – wasn't too sure about it, but i think they did say it in the 70s – whether they did or not, I just thought it fitted with MWPPs version of how cool they think they are!**

**Edolie**** – yeah, I really hated how James and Sirius were portrayed in OotP, and so I was going to go on strike and never write L/J again (lol) but then I thought why can't James change and grow up? Sirius still obviously has a long way to go, but they've both developed since their fifth years. Hope you like this chapter as much as you seemed to like the last one! lol. **

**Sarah – **cheers for reviewing and saying you actually LIKE this story! lol. Hope you like this chapter!

Please review. ~rowanx

**Chapter Two – Crush**

James' friends managed to go through a whole week without mentioning Lily once, and James had to admit, he was quite impressed by this. By Sunday he was ready to give out gold medals for helping to keep his mind off her, even if it hadn't worked too well. She was in most of his lessons, and it was hard not to think about her _all of the time when she was within eyesight all day and then again in the common room in the evenings._

                Of course, no one's perfect, and he knew it was too good to last.

                On Sunday evening, having finished their homework, the Marauders were once again playing their favourite game, doing practically the only thing they ever did – they were playing wizards' chess. Peter was now playing Remus, having beaten Sirius the week before, and James the week before that. Remus was about as good as Peter was at chess, so the games where they played each other were always the most tense. Sirius was standing over Remus muttering things to him, trying to be helpful, but knocking Remus' concentration in doing so, and every now and then he'd give Peter winks and nods and would point his finger occasionally at certain chess pieces; so no one really knew who's side he was on. James was watching Lily carefully as she sat across from him with November, also known a "Em", because Lily had complained that November was too long to say. November had obviously just said something funny, because the two girls were laughing hysterically. James smiled. Lily had a very contagious laugh. Her laughter sent ripples into his body and made him almost shiver involuntarily. It sent a pulsing trigger into his heart and made his veins pulsate fast all through his body. He was in love with her smile, he was in love with her laughter, he was in love with her eyes, he was in love with her hair...he was in love with _her._

                But then something happened that he hadn't been expecting. November looked over at the Marauders and pointed at them. James quickly averted his eyes to the chess game and tried to look as though he was deeply interested. Before he knew what was happening, November was coming over.

                James and November had never been the best of friends, but they got on quite well. They had just never bothered to get to know each other well. James did think the fact that November's best friend hated his guts had a lot to do with it. She came over and pulled a cushion up. "So, who are the odds on?" she asked Sirius. Out of the corner of his eye James could see Lily slowly and reluctantly make her way over to the group. It made his heart break.

                "Well, it's quite tight," said Sirius, looking as though he was sizing Remus and Peter up with a role of measuring tape. "But I think Remus looks fit enough to win tonight. He's got good bone structure and his lips are just adorable." Remus blushed furiously as November laughed.

                Lily pulled up a cushion as well and sat the other side of November, far away from James.

He tried to concentrate hard on the game, but he couldn't seem to ignore the fact that Lily Evans was sitting just a few feet away from him, with _his _group of friends. "Ah, Miss Evans," Sirius said, bowing at her feet. "I'm so glad you decided to join us." He held her hand and kissed it. "It has been too long since we conversed with words."

                Lily laughed. James gulped; his throat felt dry. "What else would we converse with, Sir Black?" she asked, and Sirius wiggled his eyebrows at her, making Lily laugh even more. James looked away furiously. What the hell did Sirius think he was doing? Ok, so if he wanted to flirt with Lily, he could, James wasn't going out with her after all, but did he really have to do it in front of him?

                He turned to November, determined not to think about Lily. "Hey Em," he said.

                She smiled. "Hey James. I haven't talked to you for a while. Are you alright?"

                "I'm fine," he lied pathetically. He was sure that if she looked into his eyes harder she would most certainly see into his mind.

                November smiled. "Good," she said. She looked at Sirius and Lily who were both talking and laughing together. She laughed. "Those two seem very happy." James made a noise that sounded vaguely like "hmm". "A little bit too happy if you ask me!" November said, smiling. James nodded and stared hard at the two.

                November bit on her lip and moved closer to James. "James, you don't still...I mean...do you still...do you still fancy Lily?"

                James looked at her and hesitated. "No," he answered. Then he laughed. "She hasn't talked to me for ages, how could I still fancy her!" November smiled, seeming satisfied with the answer, and James wondered for a moment whether Lily had asked her to find out if he did or not. "Em, does she still hate me?" James asked carefully.

                November looked away from him for a moment. When she looked back, she said, "I'm not sure. I mean, she never talks about you or anything..." James gulped. She never spoke about him? Never? Like he didn't exist... "I don't think she really hates you though," said November quickly, seeing the look on James' face. "I mean, she did used to, yeah..."

                "...And for good reason," James put in, smiling wryly.

                November grinned. "Yeah, you did used to be a bit..."

                "Selfish? Arrogant? Big-headed? Perverted? Over-confident?"

                November laughed. "I was going to say annoying, but your words will do fine!" She sighed. "I think that Lily used to hate you, and assumes you haven't changed. She hasn't bothered to find out that you have changed. A lot." James tried to search for a deeper meaning in November's eyes, but at that moment Remus yelled out in triumph. James turned his head to see some scattered and bashed up pieces on the chess board. Peter was sitting with his head in his hands.

                "Yes! I won!" yelled Remus, throwing his hand into the air. He turned to James and grinned at him evilly. "Next week, you get to play me."

                James sighed. "Lucky me," he said, his words dripping with sarcasm. Everyone laughed, and he sneaked a glance at Lily, amazed to find her smiling in amusement.

James took off his clothes and pulled a t-shirt on. He lay down on his bed and stared at the ceiling. Around him Remus, Sirius and Peter were all getting ready for bed. Remus and Peter were whispering about something, and James was sure he heard his name mentioned, but didn't say anything. At that moment in time, he didn't think he really cared too much.

                He was of course going to find out though.

                "Prongs," Remus said, sounding as though he were treading on think wire above a chasm of dementors.

                "Yes?" James continued to stair at the ceiling of his four-poster.

                A moment's silence. "Has Lily talked to you again?" James didn't answer. "I mean, since you bumped into her last week," Remus continued.

                James hesitated. "Yeah, she has," he said. "She said 'Get out of my way, Potter'," he said, recalling the exact words from playing the scene over and over again in his memory. "Not exactly a revolution in our 'friendship'."

                After another minute Remus spoke again. "I was talking to Priscilla earlier," he said.

                James sighed and propped himself up onto his elbows. "What's your point?" he asked. Priscilla, November and Lily were best friends.

                Remus grinned and so did Sirius and Peter. "She told me that Lily's been talking about you quite a bit recently."

                James raised an eyebrow. After a moment he said, "Yeah, sure, whatever."

                Remus' grin faded. "No, really, that's what she said.

                James frowned. "Really? 'Cause I was talking to November and she said Lily never mentions me at all."

                Remus looked at Sirius who shrugged. "Well, one of them is lying."

                "Yeah, one guess who," James said sarcastically. "Why would Lily ever talk about me? She hates me," he added sadly.

                Peter looked thoughtful. "No, I think November's lying," he said.

                "Why?" asked Sirius.

                "I think someone has a crush on James!"

                "What?" James said. "You mean November? Of course she doesn't don't be stupid."

                Remus cocked his head to one side. "No, that's not so stupid actually. For once Wormtail has made an intelligent suggestion." Peter threw a pillow at Remus and Remus continued. "Em would lie to you about Lily if she fancied you, because she wouldn't want you to think that Lily might be getting interested in you."

                James chewed on his lip. "That makes no sense," he said.

                "And denial is a river in Egypt," Peter muttered.

                "Shut up," James said. He sat up. "Ok, look; supposing Lily mentioned me once or twice in conversation, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. She could have been saying what an arrogant worthless arsehole I am."

                "She has a point," Sirius said. Another pillow was thrown.

                Remus smiled. "That's exactly what Prissy said Lily had said about you."

                James smiled triumphantly, even though he felt like all the snow from a tall mountain had just fallen on top of him, crushing his insides. "Well there you go then."

                "Prongs, sometimes you're so stupid you make me want to cry," said Remus. James pouted. "Lily hasn't talked about you, to you or at you for a year now, right?" James nodded slowly. "And suddenly she's talking about you. Even if it's saying bad things, she's acknowledging your existence. You've made her suddenly notice you, and she doesn't know why but to cover it up she's gone back to saying you're a bastard. I think you're not the only one with denial problems, Prongs."

                A moment of awed silence passed by. "You know too much about girls, Moony," said Sirius.

                "Shut up, Padfoot; at least the extent of my knowledge goes past how many dungbombs it takes to fill the Slytherin common room."

                "Three hundred and eight six," Sirius recited, "and that's not the point. We're guys; we're not supposed to know about the female race. They're a rare species; no one knows the power of their minds."

                "Well I'm just saying that's what I think it is. It doesn't take a genius to figure it out."

                "You saying I'm not a genius?" Sirius said, pretending to sound hurt. "And I thought you were going to get me a "Genius" shirt for my birthday. I'm all hurt and upset now."

                While the two boys commenced in a violent pillow fight, James was still sat on his bed, thinking. What Remus had said did kind of make sense, but in a way that really didn't. Why would Lily be thinking about him? What had he done differently that had made her acknowledge him again? How had he changed?

                "Those two have serious problems," Peter muttered. Sirius was lying on top of Remus trying to stuff a pillow in his mouth while laughing painfully and Remus was tickling him under the armpits with a rogue feather. James rolled his eyes.

James flew around the Quidditch pitch, warming up. The Gryffindor team were holding try-outs for a new chaser; last year's captain and chaser Danny Trill had just left Hogwarts. James felt really nervous. He'd only just been made Quidditch Captain, and immediately he had to find a new chaser. Danny, Anne Celm, a fourth year, and himself had been the chasers together for two years now, since Anne had joined in her second year. They made a great team, and now the team was broken. James used to look up to Danny, and now he was on his own. Sirius kept telling him he was brilliant anyway, but James' confidence without Danny wasn't quite what it usually was. Danny Trill had been just as big-headed as James had been. Sometimes James thought that maybe the prospect that Danny was leaving soon had made James become a bit more sensible, a bit more mature. But he was sure there were other reasons...

                Seeing people enter the pitch James flew to the ground and landed gracefully. His whole team was there: Arthur Weasley, a fifth year, as keeper; Anne Celm, his fellow chaser; Sirius and Priscilla, the team's beaters; and Julie Parks, a fourth year, was seeker. There were eight other people surrounding them, who James assumed were all there to try out for the place of chaser. He wondered if any of them could ever possibly top Danny. Probably not. Most were third, fourth or fifth years, but one was a seventh year, one who stood out above all the others, one who had gorgeous red bouncy hair and luscious green eyes... "Lily?" James said incredulously, forgetting for a moment that they didn't talk.

                Lily smiled weakly, looking embarrassed. "I thought I might as well have a go at trying out. It's our last year here after all, what have I got to lose?"

                James nodded, feeling unable to say anything. So far, they were having the longest conversation they'd had in years, and he didn't want it to stop, but when he opened his mouth to say something, he was interrupted by a cough from Sirius. James turned and looked at him enquiringly. Sirius nodded towards the other eleven in the group who were looking at James expectantly. He cleared his throat. "Right then," he said, trying to be official, but Lily's presence there made him nervous, and his first two words had come out in a bit of a croak. He coughed. His hands had started to sweat. His brain was going fuzzy. "Um, ok, well, first of all, you all know the team, right?" The eight people trying out nodded. James coughed again. "Ok, good, that's, um, good... Oh, I know, why don't we..." But out of the corner of his eyes Lily had just shifted her balance from one leg to the other and had flung her hair over her left shoulder. And James' concentration broke. He gulped and looked to Sirius for help. Sirius grinned. "Ok, why doesn't Anne take the others up for a warm up?" James nodded weakly and Anne flew off immediately, grinning enthusiastically to everyone else. Eleven people followed at her heels, but James and Sirius stayed on the ground, watching the blurs spin around the pitch in a multitude of colours.

                "What's wrong?" Sirius asked.

                "She's here," James said weakly.

                "Yeah, I noticed that." Sirius smiled.

                "I can't do this, Padfoot," said James almost pleadingly.

                Sirius clapped a hand on his back. "Yes you can. You're James Potter, best damn chaser this school has seen for years!"

                "Lily hates show off," James said. "And I thought she hated Quidditch," he muttered.

                Sirius grinned. "Only 'cause you play. Ok, so just ignore her then." Sirius climbed onto his broom. "Pretend she's not here." Sirius flew off and James sighed. He somehow didn't think that just ignoring Lily would be that easy. If only Remus was there. Sirius was his best friend, but his advice usually got James into worse situations than he'd been in in the first place. With a feeling of uneasy anticipation, James kicked off from the ground and flew up to join the others.

                "Ok," he said, getting himself into a position so that he couldn't see Lily. "So, um, let's just try some goals first. Everyone will pass the quaffle from this end of the pitch to the other end with Anne and myself and then you'll all try it with Anne and Julie while I watch. Ok? Arthur, you can go up to the hoops. And go easy on them," James added in an undertone. Arthur winked and flew off to the other side of the pitch. "Ok, shall we do this in alphabetical order or in order of who I think sucks the least?" A few people laughed but the rest looked uneasy. James smiled sympathetically. "Don't worry, you'll be great." When a few people still looked really nervous, James said, "Don't look like that! I'm not Snape!" Everyone laughed this time, and people flew over to the raised up seats to watch everyone have a go.

                First James and Anne played with Alex Carter, a fifth year. He was extremely confident. He passed the quaffle back and fourth with James and Anne before lazily scoring a perfect goal. He grinned as a few of the girls in the stands whooped loudly. James asked him to do it again and told Arthur Weasley to try his hardest at saving it. When they went across again James passed the quaffle to Alex at the last minute and he got it in passed Arthur's save. Even James had to admit the cocky bastard was good. "Great, another James Potter," Anne said with a grin as she flew past him.

                James immediately skipped Lily, pretending he'd forgotten about her, and called up Lisa Junes, a fourth year. She passed fine until at the last minute when Anne passed the quaffle to her and she dropped it. Lisa burst into tears, and James, feeling helpless, gave Anne a meaningful look. Anne rolled her eyes and muttered something about "men". She comforted Lisa and told her she was fine, flying them both to the stands. A fifth year called Helga Kim came racing up then, looking eager. Anne flew back and they passed up to the goals, Helga catching the ball neatly every time. When they reached the hoops Helga clumsily managed to sort of push the quaffle into the far right hoop.

                Another fifth year, Mildred Tormil, passed the quaffle straight into Arthur's hands without him even having to move, and Dag Troyd somehow managed to trip over his broomstick mid-flight and had to be carried away to the hospital wing by Priscilla. Molly Kingston didn't do too well either, but James thought that was largely due to the fact that she kept glancing at Arthur Weasley and when he smiled at her she dropped the quaffle. James had found it incredibly difficult not to laugh.

                Next up was Jason Wilbur. Jason was really good shooter, got the quaffle in the middle hoop fine, but didn't do too well with the passing. He almost dropped it twice and when he threw it to James, James had to fly quite a lot of feet back just to catch it. James was just about to call for a five minute break when Lily came flying up. She smiled at him. "Forget someone?" she asked, grinning.

                James gulped. He laughed feebly. "Oh, yeah, sorry...Lily," he said, liking the sound her name made on his tongue. Anne got in position and they flew up the pitch. Lily passed the quaffle with grace and caught it in a mid loop, as she was dodging a bird. She attempted to throw it into the middle hoop but missed by about a centimetre. "Ok, take a break for a few minutes while I talk to the team, ok?" James called, and everyone gathered in the stands started talking to each other excitedly. James flew down to the ground with Anne and Arthur and the team discussed who they thought was best.

                "Ok, we can't try everyone again," said James. "Who did you all like?"

                "I thought Carter was really good," said Julie.

                James wrinkled his nose. "He was a bit of a show off."

                "Not unlike you," Julie said amidst laughter, "and you're a great chaser."

                James smiled. "Ok, then, I'll admit it: Carter was quite good. But I think he'll get on my nerves."

                "What about Molly?" asked Arthur quietly. "I think she's alright."

                "Only 'cause you fancy her!" said Anne. Everyone laughed and Arthur turned bright red.

                "That hoop Wilbur scored was great," said Priscilla.

                Anne frowned. "Yeah it was, but he wasn't too good with the chaser communication, and that's too important to ignore. I think Lily Evans was really good with that."

                "Yeah, and she only missed the goal by a tiny bit," added Arthur.

                "What do you think, James?" Sirius asked pointedly, grinning at him.

                James frowned, not sure what to say. Yes, she had played well, but did he really want her in the team when he could barely concentrate around her? "Um, well, she...I guess she was quite good, but, well, wouldn't all her hair get in the way of her flying?" Everyone laughed and Sirius in particular looked thoroughly amused with James' feeble attempt at finding something wrong with Lily.

                Eventually, the team had decided on Alex Carter, Jason Wilbur, Helga Kim and Lily Evans. "The rest of you played really great," James said loudly as those whose names weren't called out walked away grumpily, Lisa Junes again in fits of tears. James sighed despairingly and turned to the rest who were still there. "Now the rest of you, I want you all to play chaser with Anne and Julie, but this time, we're going to add in Priscilla who will be aiming at you with tennis balls." James grinned at the looks on everyone's faces. "Hey, when I tried out they actually used bludgers and I ended up in the hospital wing for about a week."

                "And they still let you in?" Wilbur asked with a hint of awe.

                James held out his hands. "I am the best," he said cockily. Everyone laughed, even, amazingly, Lily. Sirius raised his eyebrows at James who shrugged back in wonderment. Starting with Alex Carter, the four raced up the pitch while James and Sirius stayed mid-air at the side, watching. Everyone was quite good apart from Helga who almost fell off her broom when she was hit softly with a tennis ball. Only Alex Carter got the hoop in, but only just. He'd been so over-confident it had nearly hit Arthur hard in the head, and he'd had to duck just to avoid concussion.

                "I'm going to talk to everyone and then we'll tell you our decision," James said. Jason started comforting Helga who kept going on about how wimpy she must have looked and Alex amusedly tried to start chatting up Lily who raised some amused eyebrows at James. James grinned back and flew to the ground, suddenly loving the fact that Lily was there.

                "Ok," said Sirius, "So it's obviously either going to be Evans or Carter, are we agreed?" Everyone nodded. "Should we vote or discuss?"

                "You mean vote democratically or argue until you get your own way?" Julie said.

                "Pretty much," Sirius grinned.

                "Let's vote on it," suggested James. Julie, Anne and Sirius voted for Lily and Arthur and Priscilla voted for Alex.

                Everyone looked at James. He knew that it was up to him. If he voted Lily, she was in; if he voted Alex, it was a tie. Sirius came up to him and whispered in his ear, "Forget all else. Was she better than Carter or not?"

                James didn't look at anyone for a moment and then slowly raised his head. "I vote for Lily."

That evening in the common room everyone was celebrating Lily getting in the Quidditch team. Helga and Lisa had said they felt ill and were going to bed early, and Alex had muttered something about "Not staying in the same room with people who vote for grace rather than talent," and had also stalked off. The rest who had tried out stayed and partied though, feeling spirited that at least Gryffindor had a great team. 

Spending practically the entire evening watching Lily from afar, James suddenly felt the happiest he had done in weeks. Lily looked ecstatic, and was talking to November and Priscilla, every now and then getting into hysterics with whatever joke they'd made. One thing that made James feel a bit annoyed at though was the fact that guys kept going up to Lily and congratulating her with a kiss on the cheek. James wished he could kiss her... Even Sirius went up at one point, and kissed her on the cheek longer than James thought was healthy for her skin. Remus sidled up to James just as Sirius was moving away from Lily to attack Peter with a dungbomb.

                "You know Prongs, if you keep staring at her like that your eyes will probably stick that way," Remus muttered with a smile.

                "I don't care," James said. "She's so beautiful, I could look at her for ever..."

                Remus suddenly looked uncomfortable. "Um, Prongs, can I ask you something?"

                "Sure." James tore his eyes away from Lily, took a sip from his drink (a butterbeer, one amongst the many Sirius and Remus had smuggled back from the secret passageway they had found that lead straight to Hogsmeade, along with a few dungbombs for their own personal amusement) and looked at Remus squarely in the eyes. "What is it?"

                "Well, you didn't...I mean... You're captain of the Quidditch team, right? You didn't...pick Lily because...you know...because you like her, did you?"

                James frowned. "Of course not! She was picked because four out of six people voted for her. Yes including me, but she was damn good, Remus! I didn't even want her in the team – I can barely concentrate on anything else when she's near me."

                Remus grinned. "Yeah, I can believe that," he said sincerely. "James, listen, just make sure she doesn't get in the way of your flying. I may not be much of a Quidditch fan but I really couldn't stand it if Slytherin won this year," he said, grinding his teeth together angrily.

                James was about to reply when out of the corner of his eye he could see Lily walking up to him. Remus had apparently noticed this too, muttered and quick good bye to James and had ran off before James could protest. "Hey James," Lily said, using his last name for the first time in what must have been years.

                Quickly getting over this shock, James said, "Hey. Look, congratulations."

                Lily smiled. "Thanks to you."

                "I wasn't the only one who voted for you," James said, grinning. "You played really well." What was happening? He was actually having a normal conversation with her! He wasn't rambling on about pointless things and she wasn't calling him an arrogant prick! "So..." said James, suddenly lost for words. After a moment, he felt he had to ask her, he couldn't just ignore the strange feeling down in the pit of his stomach that he was bound to have every time he talked to her, assuming there was going to be another time in which they talked.  "Lily, why..." But before he could get it out November had come rushing over, squealing like mad after Sirius had put a tickling spell (Rictusempra) on her. Remus, Peter and Sirius were laughing their heads off, and Priscilla was looking as though she was trying to be thoroughly annoyed, but was smirking all the same, and eventually burst out laughing with the boys. James couldn't help it. He grinned.

                "It's not funny, Potter!" November managed to get out. This just made James laugh even more, and he fell against Remus, the two of them struggling to breathe. Why he found it so hysterical he didn't know. The next thing he knew November had cast Tarantallegra on him, and his legs began running around wildly beneath him. Everyone was in fits of laughter, and when he fell over, he flung his wand out in any direction, in hope to get November with his spell, but when Remus had found the counter curse for Remus and James stood up, he saw he'd hit Lily with it instead. Everyone stared at her as moss began growing out of her fiery hair. James had no idea what spell he'd just cast but was suddenly feeling extremely worried. After an awkward silence, Lily burst out laughing and everyone followed suit, James laughing last. Man he loved that girl. He loved her with all his heart.

The next day James awoke with a smile on his face. Lily was in his head, as she usually was when he woke up, but this time she was smiling at him, and he grinned stupidly back. Throwing his covers off he yawned loudly and stood up, determined that everyone else should be up. Going over to their beds, he dragged each out in turn, Peter last. When he'd got Peter up, they stood together and watched Sirius and Remus lying on the floor. They'd fallen asleep again.

                Twenty minutes later when James and Peter had finally convinced Sirius that it was indeed daytime and he had to get up, and Remus that he wasn't in never-never land and did have to grow up one day, the four boys walked down to the common room, finding Priscilla, November and Lily sitting in the armchairs, chatting. "Hey girls," said Peter.

                "Morning," said Priscilla. "Hey, Sirius, what's up? You look like hell."

                "Thanks," said Sirius trying to sound insulted, but the yawn that escaped his mouth just made everyone laugh.

                James looked at Lily and caught her staring. She looked away quickly and he felt himself grinning madly. "You coming down to breakfast?" he asked her.

                She looked back at him and nodded with a noise that sounded vaguely like "mm-hmm". Sirius tried to nudge James with his elbow in a hinting way, but James just pushed Sirius back and he fell on the floor. Everyone was in hysterics for about thirty minutes until they'd realised they had missed breakfast.

"It's all your fault, Prongs," mumbled Peter an hour later.

                "What's my fault?" asked James, not looking up from his text book. 

                "You made me miss breakfast," Peter said, comforting his hungry tummy.

                James sighed. "It wasn't my fault you were laughing at Sirius."

                "You pushed him over though," mumbled Remus.

                James laughed. He was too happy to care about missing breakfast. Even though he'd tried to hide this (though not with much effort) the Marauders soon noticed he wasn't complaining about being hungry and got suspicious. "You're usually the one who's moaning most," Sirius said. "Why aren't you hungry? Why? Huh? Why?" Sirius sounded hysterical. "I mean, what if this isn't our Jamsie? What if they've replaced him with a puppy dog in love guy who always does his homework on time and doesn't care if he misses breakfast?" Sirius stood up. "Where's Jamie?!" he asked, slamming his hands down on the table.

                James gave Sirius an evil look. "Never call me Jamie," he said, shooting daggers at his best friend, who recoiled slowly and hid behind Remus. James laughed. "I'm just not hungry, that's all!"

                Professor Flitwick coughed lightly and the Marauders looked up. Noise from the class hushed down. "Class, now that you have read up some research on the curse, I want you to practice Lapidius with a partner, taking it in turns to turn each other into a stone."

                "Professor?" One hand had shot up in the air. "Isn't this more transfiguration than charms?" November asked. "We were learning about how to turn things into fire in that lesson the other day."

                "No, to be transfiguration the spell would have to be real," Flitwick explained in his squeaky voice. "This is just a cover-over that lasts as long as the person casting the spell is strong enough to keep it on for. Now, you may partner yourselves up. Oh, and remember the counter-curse: Lapidomus."

                James turned to Sirius. "So, can I turn you into an ugly creature of the earth first or would you like to take that shot?" he asked, grinning.

                "Sorry mate," said Sirius. "I'm going with Moony for this one. I don't think I trust you to return all my _more-important body parts to the surface." Sirius went over to sit by Remus. James looked around instead for Peter who he found sitting across the room with a Ravenclaw called Callum. _

                "James?" He looked up to see Lily standing by him. She smiled. "My so-called best friends seem to have partnered up without me," she said, sounding hurt. James laughed. "Can I go with you?" James stopped laughing.

                "You...you actually _want to go with me?" he asked astounded._

                She blushed. "Well, I kind of have to, we're the only ones left without a partner.

                James looked away. "Oh, yeah, of course..."

                "Oh, not that I don't of course, I mean, I would like to go with you, well, I wouldn't have unless...but, don't take it the..." James laughed at her nervousness.

                "Sit," he said kindly, motioning his hand at the free chair next to him.

                Smiling even more she sat down, putting her bag under the table as her hair swished over her back, baring her shoulders. James looked away. "So," he mumbled, forgetting what it felt like to be able to breathe. "What are we doing again?"

                Lily laughed. They'd spent a week or so preparing for this curse. "You go first," she offered.

                James took his wand out and pointed it at her, anxiety washing over him. "Lapidius," he said clearly, moving his wand in the correct swish. There was no pop like he'd expected. Immediately there was a stone the length of his forearm sitting where Lily's chair had been. He looked around the classroom. No one else had managed the spell yet. "Um...Lily?" he asked after a moment, wondering if she could hear him. Well, whether she could or not she certainly couldn't say anything back. He grinned for a moment, enjoying this momentary control.

                "Oh well done Mr Potter!" said Flitwick hobbling over. "Congratulations! You're the first one I've ever seen be able to do this on a first try! And your concentration must be excellent, you seem to be keeping Miss Evans in that form well!" He moved away.

                James grinned. After a few more moments when Lily hadn't turned back, he said, "Lapidomus."

                Suddenly Lily was sitting back in her chair. "I did hear you, you know," she said, sulky at not being able to talk through the stone-cover.

                "Oh, did you?" James gasped.

                Lily frowned. "Why?"

                "Oh shit, so you heard? You heard me admit to it...," he said in a whisper, so that Lily had to come close to him. "You heard me say that I'm..." he looked around. "A vampire!" he shouted, jumping forward. Lily screamed. James burst out laughing and so did a few people sitting around.

                Lily tried to look cross but after a while started laughing as well. When she'd calmed down, James heard her stomach grumble. "Hungry?" he asked with a grin.

                "Just a bit!" Lily laughed as her stomach growled again. "I hate missing breakfast."

                James had an idea. He looked around. Flitwick was at the other side of the classroom. "Come with me," James whispered, standing up.

                Lily half stood. "Where?" she asked curiously.

                "Just come with me," he said, and held out his hand. Electricity shot through his arm as she held her palm in his. He waited a moment to fully enjoy the feeling before crouching low and running out of the classroom, dragging her along with him. He shut the door behind him and they ran along the corridors laughing loudly.

                "Where are we going?" Lily said, giggling.

                "You'll see," he said. When they finally got there, he stopped and held her in front of him. They were still holding hands, and neither seemed to be complaining.

                Lily raised an eyebrow. "Uh...what is this?" she asked, suddenly sounding doubtful.

                "Just trust me," James said smiling. He walked up to a painting on the wall.

                "Uh, James? That's a painting. Of fruit."

                James hushed her impatiently and held his hand out. He tickled the pear on the painting and stood back. The painting swung open and he grinned at Lily's awed expression. Grabbing her hand he pulled her through the portrait hole and into the kitchen. He saw her raised eyebrow and laughed. "Fourth year, really really hungry, tried everything in the school, knew there had to be a kitchen, it was all thanks to Remus," he said, answering all her questions without Lily even having to open her mouth.

                "Wow," said Lily, sounding impressed. Several elves rushed up to the two immediately. "House elves?" she said.

                "We are here to serve you," one said joyfully, holding out a plate of ice cream.

                "Please, take Munchy's," said one house elf, who was apparently called Munchy. The little creature (neither James nor Lily could tell whether they were male or female) held out a bowl of spaghetti hoops on toast and Lily took it, smiling. "Thank you, Munchy," she said with glee.

                James helped himself to some ice cream and the two sat down on some nearby stools as eventually the house elves stopped offering them food and disappeared into a little door off the side of the kitchen.

                "Must be sleep time," James said with a yawn.

                Lily laughed. "Didn't get much sleep last night?" she asked.

                "Oh no, I got loads," James said, swallowing down huge lumps of ice cream and talking with his mouth open.

                "Eurgh, James, that's gross," complained Lily, looking disgusted.

                James took a huge gulp then grinned. "I know he said."

                "You're such a pig," Lily said, slurping down her spaghetti hoops gracefully.

                James laughed. "You're not much of a lady yourself."

                Lily grinned. "Are you saying you're a lady?" James opened his mouth, then such it again huffily. "No, no, I agree with you; you do tend to have lady like qualities."

                "Take that back," James said dangerously. Lily shook her head, a smile appearing on her straight mouth. "Take it back. Take it back – " James flicked his spoon at her and a speck of ice cream went flying onto her robes. She gasped, took a handful of spaghetti hoops and flung them at James. Within minutes the two were in the midst of an extremely violent food fight. James ducked behind a table as tomato ketchup almost landed on his glasses and crouching low he crawled around the table. Lily was looking around the other side of the table, wondering where he'd gone, when James came up and tackled her onto the ground from behind. After a few moments of scrawling, James lay still on the floor, Lily on top of him. The two were breathing heavily, each unable to move from what was either exhaustion or simply not wanting to. James felt his nerves going haywire as he gazed into Lily's sea green eyes, her red hair cascading all around him. "You, you've got ice cream, right..." Lily moved a finger to his lips. "Right, there..."

                James caught her finger before she touched him and pushed it back gently. Grabbing her whole hand he pulled her body even closer towards him. She gave out a small moan involuntarily, feeling the pressure of his body on hers. James couldn't talk; he seemed to have lost the ability. Lily and James looked at each other breathlessly, Lily with nervousness and a hint of fear in her eyes that James supposed might be reflected in his own. Slowly, James closed his eyes, and moved his lips closer to Lily's, feeling her do the same...

a/n: ooh, cliffhangers – gotta hate them, haven't you?! lol. iv written like, four pages to the next chapter, so review review review and hopefully it'll be up soon. I finished this chapter like, half a week ago, but fanfiction wouldn't let me put it up o_O how crap. Anyway, REVIEW! ~rowanx


	3. Anita

**"Everybody Hurts"**

**Rowan Arkenson**

**Summary: **Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems... 

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine. :) enjoy.

**A/N:** Hello once again. LAAA. Enjoy the chapter. Review. Blahh.

**Emma&Zoe** – I'm guessing I should thank you two for reading this even though you don't review o_O lol. Cheers for loving the story :D

**Brazen Angel** – oh my god your review was so nice! I was smiling for ages after reading it – thank you so much for liking my story so much!!

Hpfan20507 - by the way, i love the randomosity of the numbers at the end of your name! assuming they're random? and il try and make sure the cliffy at the end of this chapter isnt as CRUEL as i know the last one was, lol.

Wo Ai Ni16 - that bastard sirius. grr. i dont know WHAT he thinks hes doing. i tried to warn him that his best friend might me a LITTLE bit angry if he flirts with Lily, but NOOOO - he wouldnt listen. im losing control of my characters, help! argh!! that is an INTRIGUING idea you gave me, one of which you may just see pop up in some shape or form...lol. im not entirely sure whats gonna happen in this story tho, lol. i prefer to improvise!! i hope fanfiction sort themselves out, its getting really annoying now, not being able to upload chapters, having "sorry page busy/not found blah" cum up every few days. ITS ANNOYING. anyway, cheers for reviewing a LONGLONG review!! hope your wrists heal. :)

sailorsunandchildofthesun - is that two people or just one person with a really weird name?!?!?!? lol. well, i took your advice, and wrote more chapterness soonish assuming fanfiction actually lets me upload this one soon enough!!

fae - hee hee. i love it when fans hate me for cliffhangers. it just fills me with cruel satisfaction!!

fashiondiva - noo! i killed another one! im so sorry you died!!!!!!! if i update this quickly, will you come back to life and review it for me? ARGH IM GOING INSANELY CRAZY oooh wijimabong ... sorry bout that. so ANYWAY. since you wrote 8 pleases instead of the usual one, i will try to update this chapter for you ESPECIALLY for you, kind of soonish. :)

aLL aMeRIcAn gIRl 50 - nice name. you american by any chance?! ah yes, will they or won't they, the most cliched question that seems to get more annoying every time you ask it! well, your question is answered in the following text....enjoy......... MWAHAHAHAHA. ...i have NO idea where that came from.

mUd - dont insult the cliffhanger! its not its fault it suspences loads, or, whatever! lol.

Mrs. Katherine Maloney - intriguing name......your real name? i know what you mean about the writing chapters quickly thing. my friends at school are reading this and keep telling me to hurry up and write more - but im not exactly in control of it! i cant just sit down and write. it has to write itself. cheers for understanding!! the "dude" thing il explain in a/n. hope you enjoy the next chapter. :)

kimmi - please tell your table im ever so sorry i made you kick it. :( i feel so guilty...

**klb14345 – **cheers for reviewing. I quite like James in this story. He's not too much of a teacher's genius pet, and not a perverted bastard – which I really hate reading him as. I'm glad you like him here too. J enjoy the chapter.

A/N: the "dude" thing. many of you have commented on this, so im going to, like, talk about it and stuff! ok, first of all, im sure they did say dude quite a bit in the 70s (england) even if we say it more now (especially me!) and not everyone says it all the time anyway. its mostly with sirius, showing his immature character perhaps? or the rebel inside him or something like that, i dont know. anyway, hope everyone understood that, enjoy the chapter, and review!!!! ~rowanx

**Chapter Three – Anita**

****

James sat in the common room with a deep sense of confusion swimming over him. It was lunch time, he'd had only a spoonful of ice cream since yesterday, but he wasn't sure whether what he was feeling right now was hunger or a powerful sensation to throw up.

                The Marauders came into the common room and went over to James when they spotted him. "And where did you disappear off to?" Peter asked.

                "You missed lunch!" said Sirius. "Another meal, missed! I don't know how you can cope, Jamie." He sat down and petted his stomach lovingly.

                Remus pulled up a chair and sat on it. "Where did you and Lily go?" he asked with a small smirk. "One minute you were there in charms, the next you were gone! Flitwick didn't seem to notice..."

                "He's too worried his brain is frizzling up to make such horrified suggestions such to Lily and James ditching charms!" Peter said. Sirius laughed. "So, where did you go?" asked Peter, realising James hadn't said a word or even looked at them since they arrived.

                "Nowhere," James answered, still staring into the fire.

                Remus raised an eyebrow. "Uh, James, hate to break it to you, but that place doesn't exist."

                "Had to see McGonagall about something," James said, most unconvincingly correcting himself. And still he did not let his eyes meet his friends.

                Sirius smirked. "James, why would..."

                "I'll see you guys later, ok?" James said, cutting Sirius off, and walked from the common room and out of the portrait hole. Not caring about what his friends were thinking at that moment, he walked through the corridors, back and forth, always walking, forbidding himself to think about Lily, to think about those luscious lips, so close to his... He shook his head. Confusion was never a good thing, and at this rate he was going to land himself in St. Mungos for driving himself mad with it.

                Glancing at his watch, he realised with a sickening pang that his next lesson (his next lesson with the Marauders and Lily), potions, started in five minutes, and all the way down in the dungeons. James stopped and started running in the opposite direction. Running up to Gryffindor tower no one was there, so he speeded up to his dormitory and grabbed his bag, praying his things were in there. Running as fast as he could down to the dungeons he stopped at the stairs in the entrance hall, and paused, his hand on the railing. A grin slowly appeared on his face and he started laughing. He was five minutes late for potions – _five _minutes. Professor Kiel wasn't exactly going to expel him for being just five minutes late to his lesson! Chuckling at himself, James casually walked down to the dungeons. He didn't used to be like this. He used to be so laid back and uncaring. What had changed him? James knew it had probably been Lily, but he'd always liked her – it was only recently that he'd realised just how much.

                Opening the door into the dungeon, he walked in, "Sorry I'm late," he said not sounding as if he was sorry at all. He walked over to the Marauders at sat next to them getting his things out.

                Professor Kiel walked up to him. "Mr Potter, do you have a good reason for being late?"

                "Um, no, no not really," James said, looking as though he'd been deep in thought.

                Kiel narrowed his eyes. "Don't get smart with me, Mr Potter. I'll have five points from Gryffindor for your attitude." As he turned and walked back up to his desk he said, "Oh, and don't be late to my lesson again, Mr Potter."

                "Is it just me or did that sound like a threat?" James whispered sarcastically to Remus. Sirius stifled a laugh from behind them.

                "James, what's wrong with you?" asked Remus, his eyebrows creased.

                "Nothing, nothing at all," James said with a grin.

                Sirius leaned forward and clapped a hand on James' back. "Our Jamesie here seems to have remembered how to have fun."

                Remus frowned. "How unfortunate," he mumbled.

                "Oh come on guys there's nothing wrong or different with me," James said. The lights in the dungeon were very dim and were spotlighted on very small areas. As James shifted uncomfortably in his seat, he sat suddenly still as he saw the light bounce of off silky red hair... He shook his head and frowned down at his books. Forget her, he told himself, just forget it, forget it...

                But returning to the old James didn't seem to work. Even trying for just a few minutes to become the arse he used to be, the feeling of glorious unease still flittered in his stomach whenever he saw her. Before, she'd been like a challenge, and he was just so sure he could get her, but the feeling wasn't too strong, he knew he could go for any other girl if he wanted to. But perhaps years of chasing had actually meant more than James had realised. Maybe he had always loved Lily, and had just been too immature to admit it...

                "Prongs, staring into the sun blinds you, did you know that?"

                Startled out of his thoughts, James blinked at Remus. "...What?" he asked after a few seconds.

                "Staring at Lily's hair," Remus said with a nod in her direction. "I'm sure it can't be good for you."

                "Shut up Moony," James said, as Remus leaned back in his chair grinning.

                When Kiel had finally talked them through the potion he'd written the instructions for on the blackboard he coughed loudly, pretending he couldn't hear the noise around him. Telling them to make the potion as best they could "or else", he lay back in his chair and closed his eyes. No one was ever sure whether he fell asleep during these times or whether he did it just to try and catch them out when they thought he was sleeping. So far no one had dared test this theory.

                "So James, what did happen when you and Lily sneaked off?" asked Sirius, crowding round him and Remus. Behind there was a small explosion as Peter's potion blew up. No one even turned their heads. Peter blowing things up in potions wasn't exactly a rare thing.

                "Nothing much," James muttered, hating the way this conversation had started.

                "You do realise," said Sirius, "that you will say nothing happened, we will ask you again what happened, you will say nothing, we will call you a liar, you'll get angry at us and probably not talk to us for a few days, and then we'll apologise and ask you again and you'll tell us needing to get whatever it was off your chest – don't you? Well, why don't we just skip all that and you can tell us now."

                James narrowed his eyes. "I hate you."

                Sirius grinned. "Hey, if you can't hate your best friend, who can you hate?"

                "Fine," James said with a small sigh. "I took her to the kitchens, because she said she was hungry..."

                "And you didn't ask us to come!" Sirius said, insulted. "I was hungry too, you know!"

                "Padfoot, your hunger was hardly a life and death situation now stop complaining and let Prongs finish!" Remus said exasperatedly. Sirius pouted and James continued.

                "Well, we kind of got into a food fight and somehow ended up on the floor, lying together..." Sirius opened his mouth but Remus quickly silenced him with a spell. "We were moving closer to kiss each other, and at the last second, she slapped me and jumped off, shouting at me for taking advantage of her!" James finished angrily.

                Remus frowned. "That doesn't make sense."

                "Really?" James said sarcastically.

                "Why would she lean in to kiss you and then tell you off for nearly kissing her?" James shrugged, but Remus merely looked triumphant. "I knew it! She's just as much in denial about loving you as you are about her HA I was right I love being right..." Remus leaned back in his chair looking superiorly smug.

                James frowned. He wanted to believe Remus, wanted to believe he might be right...but he couldn't shake off the terrified and disgusted look on Lily's face as she had jumped up off of him earlier. She hated him... James shook his head. "No, you're not right," he said. "She hates me. She's always hated me, why would that suddenly just change?"

                Remus and Sirius looked at each other significantly. "Well, Prongs, you have changed a lot, you know that?" Remus said.

                "Yeah," agreed Sirius. "You used to be a complete arse, like me. Unfortunately, you grew up," he said with a sad shake of the head.

                James slowly unfolded his arms. "You think that's it? She just happened to notice me grow more mature from her not paying any attention to me?" Sirius opened his mouth to speak but James stood up before he could say anything and walked off to the front desk to collect some ingredients he didn't have. Reaching his hand out towards a jar of something, he saw one got there quicker than his. He saw the beautifully curved and slender hand grasp itself around a jar and pause there, its owner he knew staring at him in anticipation. Expecting him to say something. James didn't say anything. After being transfixed on her hand for almost a minute, he looked up at her. Deep into her eyes he stared, trying to see what his friends seemed to see. What he saw there wasn't love, and he certainly didn't see happiness; he saw a great sorrow in those deep pools of green, in the tingling eyelashes, he saw fear, and it scared him.

                Knowing she was still expecting him to say something, from the way her eyes pleaded with him not to make her speak first, he tried hard to think of what to say. But there were no words. She must know how he felt about her by now, and he sure as hell knew how she felt. Suddenly feeling angry at this unrequited feeling he had, he frowned at her, challenging her, daring her to say the first words. He was always the first one to say anything, and he was bored of that. Lily opened her mouth to speak but James left her there, mouth hanging open, feeling sick of it all; feeling angry that he had to love her when she clearly didn't love him; feeling angry that she'd pretended she had wanted to kiss him, and then had shouted at him instead; feeling angry she had to be on the quidditch team, so now they were around each other all the time; feeling angry that he lost control of all of his senses whenever she was near him; feeling angry that Remus had been wrong about her; feeling angry that she had no words for him.

                Sitting back down at his chair he slammed his hand down on the table. After a few seconds: "Uh, James? Where's are the toads' feet?" asked Remus cautiously.

                "None left," James mumbled, ignoring the numbing pain in his hand.

                "Ok," Remus said slowly. "I'll just go ask Lily to borrow her jar of them, in which there seem to be many toads' feet left," he said, and got up, walking over to Lily. James kept his head down but his eyes followed his friend's every move. Remus said hi to Lily, who smiled at him. He pointed to her jar and said a few words, at which Lily quickly glanced at James, and James turned away. He kept his eyes focused harshly on the table, and when Remus returned, he didn't even notice his friend standing there, slowly making the potion without him, and without complaining.

That evening in the common room, James and Remus were playing chess. James said he needed to warm up for their match on Sunday, but really he couldn't give a toss about chess. He just wanted something to take his mind off of things. Sirius had complained about not having pranked the Slytherins for a while, and so he and Peter had borrowed James' invisibility cloak, taking the Marauders map and had gone to cause mischief. James was quite pleased really. Those two were getting a bit loud for him, and he felt he could use some peace, which was where Remus came in handy.

                But as they were playing chess, Remus didn't seem to hold quite the enthusiasm he usually did when playing his favourite game. James watched as Remus put a knight forward and across one jump and then turned his head to stare out the window. After a moment of watching him, James cocked his head and said, "You alright, mate?"

                Remus didn't look at James. "Fine," he said unconvincingly.

                "You really expect me to believe you?"

                Remus turned to look at James. "Not really. Just thought it might show you that I don't want to talk about it. I thought even someone as stupid as you might get that obvious message."

                James frowned. "Fine, we won't talk about whatever's screwing you over. Sorry for caring."

                The two endured a five minute silence with many chess moves before Remus sighed and said, "Sorry James. I didn't mean to take it out on you."

                James paused. "That's ok," was all he said, before moving his queen forward and saying, "checkmate."

                Remus smiled softly. "Good move," he mumbled. He looked up at James and looked away again. "You really want to know...?"

                "Only if you want to tell me," James answered kindly.

                "Well..." Remus took a deep breath. "I'm worried about Padfoot." James raised an eyebrow, inviting Remus to go on. "The other day, I was walking up to the dormitory, and standing outside the door I could hear Sirius talking to someone. He was swearing and cursing his family and all the Blacks who ever lived and...really harsh stuff," Remus said uncomfortably. When I opened the door, no one else was in there. Sirius looked at me as though he didn't care I'd heard but wanted to kill me all the same and then stormed past me and out of the room." Remus carefully pulled out a crumpled piece of parchment. "When I walked into the room, I found this on the floor." He handed it to James who skimmed through it.

                "It's a letter from his parents," James said quietly. He gasped and looked up at Remus. "Disowning him??"

                "I know," Remus said, matching James' disbelief. "Sirius always pretends he doesn't care. In fact I think he's put on a bloody good face so far. But that's got to be crap. Running away from home and then having your parents disown you for god's sake."

                James glared at the parchment angrily and then stuffed it back into Remus' hands. "I hate his family. I hate the whole lot of them. They're no worse than the Malfoys."

                Remus was looking past him and James turned round to see Sirius walking towards them with a small frown on his face. "I agree with you, Prongs," he said quietly. "But they're not all worse than the Malfoys. I'm a Black, remember?"

                The colour flooded from James' face quickly. "Sirius, I didn't mean all the...I was just..."

                Sirius dismissed his apology with the wave of a hand. "Whatever, it doesn't matter," he said, even though it obviously did. At that moment Peter came tumbling through the portrait hole, laughing so hysterically hard it was blatantly hard for him to breathe. He had white bunny ears. James gave Remus a curious look and then looked up at Sirius to see that he had the bunny ears as well. Sirius looked at Peter and back again, smiling. James raised an eyebrow. "It was worth it," Sirius replied, grinning evilly.

"James!" James flinched at the sound of the voice and didn't turn round.

                Sirius looked for him. "Hey, it's your girlfriend!"

                "She is _not _my girlfriend," James said angrily. Sirius laughed.

                Anita Wilkins came rushing up and threw her arms around James' neck. Remus and Peter hugged. "They make such a cute couple," said Peter, pretending to wipe a tear away from his eyes. James glared at them over Anita's shoulder. 

Anita drew away. "James, when are you going to take me out?"

James smiled pleasantly. "Never," he said with a smile.

Anita whined impatiently, her shoulder-length brown hair staying stock-still with all the gel that she had used. James winced. "You always say that," she moaned, sounding like a six year old.

"Sorry, baby, but I...well...there's no nice way to say this..." James sighed and put a hand on her shoulder. "But I can't stand you. The very thought of you freezes my blood and makes me want to throw up. I would never go out with you if you were the last person alive, and not just because my parents want me to go out with you, but because I HATE YOU!"

Anita giggled. "Oh James," she said playfully, patting his shoulder. "You're such a tease. You forget, I like it when you play hard to get." She stroked his shoulder gently and James pretended to shoot himself in the head.

"Look," he said, "I don't date fifth years, ok? So leave me alone."

He walked off with the Marauders as body guards, and seeing that she wouldn't be able to get to him, Anita called, "Ok, well I'll see you later then!"

James groaned in agony. "I don't think she's quite getting the point," he said.

"Yeah," said Sirius. "I mean, you certainly spelled it out clearly enough for her. Is she deaf?"

"I think she must just blot out the things she doesn't want to hear," James mumbled.

Remus laughed. "James, why don't you just go out with her? She's not that bad! It's not like you already have a girlfriend – "

"And you're hurting all those lovely young girls out there!" Sirius put in. "All those young women lining up to go out with you and you say no to every single one of them. WHY?" James opened his mouth but Sirius continued on. "Yes, I know I know, _Lily, _right? But she doesn't want to go out with you. _They_ do," he said, pointing to a particular crowd of girls standing by the lake. They giggled as James and Sirius looked over and James rolled his eyes.

"Look, I don't want to just go out with anyone," he explained. "I'm not like that anymore. I don't want some stupid prissy girly-girl who'll go out with any guy who asks her."

Sirius held up his hands. "Why not?"

"Because James has seen the light and has been sucked into it," Peter said quietly. The Marauders stopped and looked at him curiously. "Oh," he said, "I mean, he's fallen in love."

"Well, why didn't you just say that?" asked Sirius.

"I wanted it to sound pretty," mumbled Peter.

"'James has been sucked into the light'?" Sirius echoed. "In what way is that pretty?"

"Shut up," Remus said. "Prongs, if you don't want to go out with her, why don't you tell your parents? That should get her off your back if your parents and her parents talk or whatever."

James sighed. "You don't understand. My parents can be extremely persuasive when they want to be..."

"Prongs, I don't think you give your parents enough credit," Sirius said. "I'm sure if you tell them you don't like her, they'll understand."

James glared at Sirius. "Padfoot, you've been living with my parents for one summer. I've been living with them for seventeen years. Trust me. They won't understand."

Sirius munched on his cake. "They're always nice to me."

James rolled his eyes. "That's because you're a poor little boy been thrown out of your house to wonder the lonely desolate streets without any help in the cold blackened nights," he said mimicking his mother's high-pitched voice. Remus laughed.

"I wasn't thrown out, I ran away," Sirius pointed out with a huge chunk of cake rolling around in his mouth.

James made a disgusted face and went on. "Well anyway, not the point. The point is, I don't exactly have a choice here. While I'm single, I kind of _have _to go out with her." Remus looked thoughtful and stopped walking. He looked up at the sky, then looked at the ground, and then grinned at James. "What?" James asked cautiously.

"You say you don't want to go out with anyone, because you're in love with Lily, right?" Remus asked. James nodded. "But unless you're dating, you have to go out with Anita, right?" James nodded again. "So why don't you ask someone to _pretend _that they're going out with you!"

                James looked doubtful but Sirius grinned. "Yeah, that's perfect! You can get your parents to meet them and everything!"

                "Who would want to come and meet my parents?" James asked.

                "You could ask Priscilla," Peter suggested. "She's a friend, right?"

                James shook his head. "Wouldn't work. My parents know Priscilla's parents. It would be too risky."

                "So ask November," Sirius put in.

                "But if we're right and she does fancy him...that might get too complicated," Remus pointed out. There was a moment's silence whilst everyone tried to think of someone else. Suddenly a smile lit up Remus' face. "Ask Lily."

                "What?" James asked, not believing that Remus could possibly suggest that.

                "It would be perfect!" Remus insisted. "You two are kind of friends now, right? Well, in between the borderline anyway," he added at the look on James' face. "Your parents have never met her or her family, and you're in love with her anyway, so you wouldn't have to _act _as though you are!" James still looked doubtful, so Remus added, "It's the 16th of October, right? She could go home with you for the Hallowe'en break and meet your parents then."

                "Perfect," said Peter grinning. He clapped James on the back. "Right?"

                James smiled weakly. "Right," he said quietly. The four walked on. James' insides churned at the thought of asking Lily to pretend to be in love with him... After all, that would be really hard for her. She hated him...right?

James paced around the changing rooms, worried, nervous as hell, and feeling a deep sensation to throw up. The sensation was in fact so deep, that he actually did throw up. Keeling over just outside the changing rooms by a bush, James clutched a hand to his shaking chest. Why the hell was he so nervous? He'd asked girls out before. Hell, he'd even asked Lily herself out before. But he'd never had to ask someone to pretend to go out with him. And that someone had never been Lily. James hadn't spoken to her for days, since they had nearly kissed. They had passed once or twice in the corridors, but all that had been exchanged was a nod or a small or just an awkward fleeting look. James knew that Lily was just as nervous around him as he was around her. He knew it didn't mean anything though. She was just nervous he might try to kiss her again.

                Standing up and breathing in deeply, James ignored the fact that Lily had leaned in to kiss him as well. _Great, the denial's back, thought James. __No, wait, it's not denial, because there's nothing to deny, because it's the truth. Yes. That's right. Yeah... Having this strange conversation inside his head, James walked back into the common room to find most of his team standing waiting for him. He cleared his throat. "Hey." James looked around. "Where's Lily?" he asked Priscilla._

"She'll be along soon," she answered quietly, looking a bit pale.

"You all alright?" asked James.

                "First Quidditch Match soon," said Priscilla, biting her lip. "Against the Slytherins."

                "Yeah, I do know," said James, "But all our first matches come up eventually and they are against the Slytherins. Always. So why so nervous this time?"

                "Because we haven't had a match without Danny before, and we've barely practiced with Evans," cut in Anne.

                James looked around at the team. Everyone nodded their heads, and most looked just as queasy as Anne. He looked away. She was right. He'd never had a match without Danny. Never. The old captain had never missed a match once, he was so loyal to it. James almost smiled. They were acting as though Danny was dead; but he had made such an impact on the team, James doubted he would ever play a match without thinking of him. "True," said James, looking up again. "I don't even think we have what it takes to beat the Slytherins without him. He was such a great chaser." James looked away and shook his head. "I just don't think you're all good enough..."

                "Now, wait just a second," said Arthur. James looked up. "We may not be great but I'd say we were pretty damn good."

                James sighed. "I just don't know..."

                "Look, you have no right to talk to us like inferiors," said Julie, holding the snitch delicately in her hand. "We've put in loads of effort and I think we've improved so much." There were murmurs of agreement.

                "We don't need Danny, or you!" said Priscilla, folding her arms smugly. We'll show you just how great we can be." With a nod of her head, she stalked out of the changing rooms. Everyone else followed her apart from Sirius and James.

                Sirius clapped a hand on James' shoulder. "Well done," he said.

                "You don't play quidditch for five years with Danny Trill and not learn a trick or two about reverse psychology," said James, laughing.

                "So that's who you got it from." James wheeled round. Lily smiled. "I always just thought you liked lying," she said with a grin.

                James nodded weakly. "Come on," said Sirius. "The team's waiting." He walked out to the quidditch pitch leaving James and Lily on their own.

                "You sounded really convincing," said Lily. "I was feeling so nervous before your little speech."

                "...And now?" James asked.

                "Now I just want to prove you wrong and fly." Lily smiled and walked up to James. She raised herself up onto her tiptoes and kissed him gently on the cheek. James gave her a questioning look. "Thank you," she said quietly, before walking towards the door. "You coming?"

                James stared at her for a moment before coming back to life. "What? Oh, yeah, sorry." He followed behind, touching a hand to his cheek, and grinning widely.

Quidditch practice went surprisingly well, taking into account it was their first practice without Danny, they had a new chaser they'd never flown with before, and that chaser happened to be Lily. James was quite proud of himself; he'd only been knocked by a bludger once when he'd lost concentration after seeing Lily grin at him after a particularly great session of passing before James had thrown the quaffle into a hoop.

                James felt the familiar crunch of pain at the pit of his stomach as he landed afterwards, knowing he soon had to talk to Lily, not even knowing why he was going to ask when he knew she was bound to say no and detest the idea. But Sirius had threatened to ask Lily himself if James hadn't by the end of the practice, so James didn't exactly have a choice.

                Setting his broom carefully on the ground he grinned shakily at his team. "That was a great practice, everyone. You certainly proved me wrong!" Everyone smiled smugly but it just made James laugh. "We'll be fine next week, Slytherin have nothing compared to us, right?" Everyone cheered and roared and then went off to the changing rooms. James followed. Taking his quidditch robes off, he waited until Lily had finished before going over to her. "Hey, Lily, can I talk to you for a moment?" Shrugging, she set her broomstick down and followed James back on to the pitch. James ignored the wink of support from Sirius and concentrated on not throwing up.

                "So, what is it?" Lily asked, turning to James. She looked worried. "Was I really bad? I mean, I know I can't play as well as Danny could and this is my first match and everything..."

                "No, no, stop." James grinned lightly. "Lily, you're a brilliant flyer, and chaser, and I think we're bound to win on Saturday with your help." Lily grinned as James' smile vanished. "I just wanted to, to ask you something...strictly non-quidditch related..."

                "Well, what is it?" asked Lily kindly, throwing her hair over her left shoulder.

                James hesitated, praying for air, then said in a quick mumble, "I need you to help me my parents really want me to go out with this girl Anita and I don't really have a choice but I don't want to go out with her because...well...and Remus thinks that if my parents think I have a different girlfriend who I really love then they won't force Anita on me so I need someone to come home with me for a weekend at Halloween to meet my parents and I know it's a really stupid idea and that you probably hate the idea but Remus said..."

                "James, stop." Lily held out a hand, and looked at James softly. "Are you asking me to be your girlfriend?" she said quietly.

                "No, oh, no no," James said quickly, "Just, just to pretend, you know, for my parents."

                Lily looked away thoughtfully. "At Halloween?" she repeated.

                "Yeah..."

                Lily chewed on her lip for a while before looking back at James and smiling faintly. "Sure," she said. "Why not?"

                James heart swelled up and a huge grin erupted on his face. "Oh, thank you, thank you so much Lily, I know this is such a stupid idea..."

                "It's not so stupid," Lily said. "I think it sounds like fun, deceiving your parents!" she laughed and James followed suit, feeling beyond happy that Lily hadn't just said no.

a/n: I managed not to put a cliffy in, aren't you proud of me?! lol. review pleeeeeeaze ~rowanx


	4. Let The Games Begin

**"Everybody Hurts"**

**Rowan Arkenson**

**Summary: **Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems... 

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine. :) enjoy.

**A/N:** I have returned! Holland was excellent, and I only got back a few hours ago – I got up at 5am this morning cus we had to catch the ferry – HOW RIDICULOUS. Anyway, I wrote this chapter on holiday and half a page of the next one, and I've been sitting here typing it all up for you from my notebook so I hope you appreciate how long it's taken me!!!! lol. Apologies for any typos – I couldn't really be bothered to check when typing it up and for some reason my notebook doesn't have spell check...

Oh, by the way, this chapter's in three parts – don't ask why, it just felt right! The second part changes to Sirius' POV, and the little lines in bold italics that spring up everywhere make up the chorus of a song called "Breathe" by a rock band called Taproot.

Cheers again to everyone who reviewed:

**Fashiondiva**** – That's so sweet! I'm privileged that you came back to life for my story! So, what's death like??! lol. hehehe – parents are deceived a helluva lot more than they think...MWAHAHA!!!**

**Nina – **I know we all love cliffhangers really, but isn't it just lovely to have a break from them occasionally!!!!

**Brazen Angel –** ...pretty woman? Seriously?! How does this remind you of pretty women?!?!?!?!?! (Don't take this the wrong way – I love all romatic classics (sigh) I just fail to see how this is like that, lmao.) Hopefully, fanfiction won't be a bugger and will let me put this up before I go on holiday, otherwise you're looking at a long bout of non-storyness from my side! Wow I'm on your author alert? I'm honoured – truly honoured!!

**aLL**** aMeRIcAn gIRl 50 – :) hope this is soon enough for you. glad you think my story's "cute" lol.**

**Orion ****Phoenix**** – wow, greater than great??! you don't know how much your review made me smile :D thank you so much! And from one who comes from the more, shall we say, "intellectual" side of writing that is fpcom! HONOURED, HONOURED I TELL YOU! wanna read any of my shitty poems? My name's rowan arkenson on there as well if you wanna do me a favour and tell me what you think of them, lol.**

**sailorsunandchildofthesun**** – glad you liked it. Leave me a review and tell me what you think of this next chapter! Cheers for reviewing! :)**

**me**** – oh, I wonder who, since I was there when you read and reviewed!!!! lol. cheers for reading this. Hope you're liking it!! And no, you're not going to find out what Remus is wanting to tell James for a while yet – no one else seems to have caught on to the few hints I've put about this. Not that I've put many, but still!! lol. Read on my friend, read on...**

**Edolie**** – lol, glad you think I put enough humour in to balance with the angst – I was beginning to think it was too depressing, myself!! Glad someone thinks I'm funny :D Yeah, I really hate fics where Lily really hates James one chapter and then the next is found kissing him in the common room. It would never happen like that. These things take time!!! Ah, and there may be more reasons why Remus seems to know a lot about girls...hehehe...but maybe not, lol. Ahh, poor Sirius...I will put some lovely angst in for him. Who says James is the only one with problems? As it says in my summary! lol. But yeh, you'll find out more about stuff going on with Sirius and his family problems later. And you know you said about Lily suddenly being nice to James at the end of the last chapter? I just think she's confused!! There's this boy I know who I really really love but he can be a real dick sometimes so sometimes I'm lovely with him but sometimes I just blow up at him. I guess Lily's feeling along the same lines – she just isn't as extreme as I am!! I'm so glad you're liking this story, and thanks for your long reviews, they're really helpful! Cheers! :D**

**Saquoia**** – first of all, I like corny! Corny is great! lol. and yes, something is bound to go wrong...of course it is...I would know, I'm the author! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Thanks for coming back to review. It means a lot to me. :) glad you like the story.**

**Brazen Angel – **ooh, I did have muchly fun in Holland, cheers! I'm back now though! :D hope I've put this story up in time for you to read, if not, it'll be sitting here waiting for you along with this little personal message: _Come read me!_

**Marie4 – **lol, sorry I disappointed you with the author's note, but I didn't want to lose readers just because I didn't update for ages. Here, dedicated to you, Marie, for making you wait, is chapter four – so you better enjoy it!!!! lol.

**Starborn**** – glad you're liking it. I was really unsure of how to get around the canon, I think I've handled it ok! lol, glad you think my story's funny and "hilarious in parts"! :D**

**To various friends of Starborn – **well, if you are reading this, then I hope you're enjoying the story, and please review so I know what you think! :)

**Leigh –** hope you like the chapter! Ooh, you read Secret Love? Cool! Which story do you like better? I think I prefer this one, I didn't much like Secret Love, but everyone else seemed to!!

**A/N:** By the way, to "get pissed" means to get drunk. Dunno if everyone knows that or not. I assumed they did but then wasn't sure if this was said in America at all, and since I'll assume most of my reviewers are American since it's about a hundred times as big as Britain, I'd thought I'd better let you know!! Review pleeazee. ~rowanx 

(ps, that a/n was over a page long! WOW! Thank you all so much for reviewing!!!!!!)

**Chapter Four – Let The Games Begin**

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**PART ONE:**

**_Confusing Friendships_**

James soared through the sky on his Firebolt 1000, almost forgetting that he was in the middle of a game as the wind rushed past him, chilling his skin and making his whole body shudder at the touch, reminding him of how he had felt down in the kitchen with Lily's body pressed against his own...

                "James, left!" James immediately obeyed to this order commanded from Sirius' voice from far away. Dodging sharply to the left he saw a bludger streak past him. With no time to thank his friend for the warning he flew quickly away from the other bludger, making it crash straight into a chaser from Slytherin. He watched as his love then had the opportunity to plummet through the sky to the hoops. She attempted to score and failed but Anne quickly caught it from the Slytherin keeper who had at the last moment dropped it. Gryffindor were now up 10-0. James pretended he hadn't seen Lily's sad face that held both disappointment and apology directed towards him. Instead he held the quaffle he had tackled from a Slytherin chaser and passed back and fourth with her all the way back up the pitch. At the last minute when it looked as though he was about to throw it in the far left hoop he quickly passed it to Lily who recovered from this shock after a split second and scored it in the far right hoop.

                "And Gryffindor's new team member, Lily Evans, has just scored herself her first hoop for the team!" roared Callum, a Ravenclaw, as he commentated the match. "And it's Gryffindor 20, Slytherins 0."

                James flew up to Lily and grinned at her before the two raced along through the game, scoring at every possible moment, every possible hoop they could get, they got it. Anne helped with the passing but it was James and Lily really who got the points in. After thirty minutes it was Gryffindor 90, Slytherin 30, and James had never felt happier with a start of term game. He signalled up to Julie to start looking for the snitch; so far she had just been stopping the Slytherin seeker from finding it – James had said he wanted to give Lily a real chance to show herself off on her first game and had therefore told Julie not to look for it until he told her to. Now through she was dodging and sprinted around in the air, looking for the tiny golden ball. Within minutes James heard the whistle blow and the score was called out "Slytherin 30, Gryffindor 240! Gryffindor win!" shouted a maybe over-enthusiastic _mutual_ commentator as Callum jumped up and down along with everyone else for his favoured team.

                "You guys played great out there today," James said loudly once they'd escaped Gryffindors and had managed to claw their way through into the changing rooms. He punched the air with happiness.

                "Yeah, especially Lily," Anne said good-heartedly. Lily blushed. "Three cheers for our new chaser! Hip hip – "

                "Hooray!"

                "Hip hip – "

                "Hooray!"

                "Hip hip – "           

                "HOORAY!"

                Lily blushed even more furiously as Sirius kissed her on the cheek. She giggled though when he whispered something in her ear before moving away. James frowned, plotting Sirius' early and so not gruesome enough death in his head as his so called best friend approached him. "So, great match, huh?" Sirius said with a huge grin plastered on his face.

                "Yeah," said James absently as he took his boots off.

                "Want to go down to Hogsmeade to celebrate?"

                "Sure."

                "You alright?" Sirius looked at James with concern. "You seem a bit down for someone who just won a quidditch match."

                "There are more important things, you know," James mumbled.

                "What was that?"

                "I said I'm fine," James said through gritted teeth. Sirius nodded tightly, and gave James a weird look before he wandered off towards someone else. James' eyes followed him all the way. "Git," he mumbled.

"To Gryffindor!" Sirius yelled, holding up his butterbeer.

                "To Gryffindor!" yelled James, Remus, Peter, Lily, November and the rest of the quidditch team. Everyone gulped down their butterbeers in celebration. Gryffindor did usually win their first matches, but it was still nice to have a reason for drinking. 

                "So, you talked to Lily any more about her going home with you at Halloween?"

                James frowned. "No," he said quietly. "I don't know what to say."

                Remus sighed, as if it was obvious. "Well you have to make sure you two really are – look, in love, in front of your parents."

                James narrowed his eyes. "This isn't supposed to be some sort of fix-up thing your setting up between me and Lily, is it? Because knowing Lily Evans she isn't going to fall in love with me over some clichéd romantic meet the parents thing."

                 "No, it's not necessary for Lily to fall in love with you," Remus said smiling, "Because she already is in love with you!"

                "No she isn't, Remus! I think it's pretty clear to me that she isn't," James insisted. "Now shut up, drink your butterbeer and get pissed like normal seventeen year olds."

James rolled his eyes as he tried to help Remus walk up the dormitory stairs. It was kind of hard as his friend was singing, rather loudly, some song about wanting to visit a French bread factory in his underpants. James thought that Remus had kind of taken his advice a little too far. Kicking the door open, the two walked in and James dumped Remus onto his bed. Remus had just finished singing what James had hoped was the last verse of his song and began to clap wildly. "Yes, Remus," said James in a very patronising voice. "That was a very good song." Remus said nothing and stared at James wide-eyed. "Did you make it up yourself?" continued James, talking as he would to a six year old.

                Peter came in, dragging Sirius behind him. Sirius was laughing hysterically and Peter gave James a pleading look. But before James could move over to help, Sirius struggled out of Peter's hands, took a few very determinedly placed steps and fell over. Remus laughed as Sirius turned into a dog and barked loudly. 

                Sirius changed back into his human form and Peter quickly threw him into the bathroom, locking them both in, in attempts to calm their friend down. James could hear some very unpleasant vomiting sounds and gave Peter his deepest sympathies.

                "Come on Remus, we have to get you in bed," James said, throwing a very disgruntled Remus onto his bed.

                "Do you want to know something?" Remus said. "Do you?" He pulled James closer and whispered in his ear. "Do you want to know?"

                James pulled away. "No, I don't, because whatever you want to tell me probably has something to do with French Bread Factories, and I don't really care to be honest, so night night Remus, it's sleep time now."

                Trying to move away, he couldn't shut Remus up. "I don't have any Brench Fread Bactories," Remus commented, looking like a lost little puppy. "I do have one thing though." 

                "And what's that?" James asked with a sigh. He yawned, feeling tired.

                "I have the greatest friends in the whole whole world," Remus said with a defiant nod, getting out of bed again and hugging James as tightly as he could. "Friends who don't care how wolfey I am," he murmured into James' shoulder. "Friends who don't judge me or my French bread, friends who love my alcoholic ways."

                James patted his back and tried to pull away, but Remus' grip was very strong, and he held on for a while. When Remus finally did release James, he had tears in his eyes, and said, "You'd love me no matter what, right?"

                "Well, that depends on how much you're going to go on about French bread factories," James said jokingly.

                Remus nodded. "Good. Good good. So, no matter what – re_mem_ber that, Jamesie boy, you love me." He grinned happily and then allowed James to throw him back onto his bed. James heard Remus breathing heavily and knew his friend had fallen fast asleep.

                James got changed and lay on his own bed, wondering what had made Remus say all that. Was there something he hadn't been telling the Marauders? James slept lightly, hearing Peter and Sirius come in and fall onto their own beds, sleeping quickly. Thoughts of Lily overtook James' worries over Remus in his mind, and he felt uneasy as he slept that night, anxious of the coming weekend, and with what the hell his parents were going to say.

"So?" asked Remus on Monday morning. He sat down next to Peter opposite James and leaned forward eagerly. "What did the parents say?"

                James shrugged. He had to admit, he'd kind of ignored the buzzing in his mind over the past weekend that his parents weren't exactly going to just say, "Lovely darling, we're so glad you've found someone, who cares about Anita, what do we know?!"

                James tried to blot out his ears as Remus quoted different parts of the crumpled up half torn letter from the Potters that he'd obviously found on the floor behind him. "Very disappointed...I hope you didn't think...this is very serious...how dare you..." Remus stopped at the pale look on James' face. He took a turn in ripping the paper and throwing it back to the floor. "Yeah, well, not exactly what we were hoping they would say is it?"

                Before James had a chance to say a sarcastic remark, Sirius came bouncing into the hall and sat down next to James looking happy happy _happy. __Eurgh__, thought James. "So, what's up with my little purple plum fairies today?" Remus took the letter off of the floor without a word and tossed it at Sirius forcefully. James watched Sirius read the letter through. His expression didn't change much; he simply read it like he would a Daily Prophet article about flobberworms becoming extinct; except he'd probably be a little sadder about the flobberworms – "_Now_ what are we going to do in care of magical creatures for a skive lesson??"_

                Sirius put the letter down on the table and shrugged. James' mouth dropped open. "You have nothing to _say?"_

                "Well, what did you expect Prongs?" he said, eating his cereal. 

                James wasn't the only one angry. It was Remus' turn to pounce. "You're on their side? How can you be? You were as much into this idea as I was!"

                "Well, yeah, but you did sort of lie to them and everything...and they only want what's best –"

                James frowned. "Since when do you take my parent's side instead of mine? I'm your best friend!" Sirius opened his mouth to explain, but James carried on. "Oh, no, sorry I forgot, my parents must be _perfect _compared to yours, right? They treat you like a poor little angel and you suddenly turn against me just because you think I'm ungrateful, just because you think _your family's so fucked up?"_

                Everyone on the Gryffindor table was staring at James and the few who were nearest shrunk back slightly as Sirius rose to his feet dangerously, his white fists clenched at his side. He looked as though he wanted to beat James to death – yet he didn't bother to try to hold back the sad tears that filled his eyes. A few fell softly down his flushed cheeks and James' heart nearly stopped beating at the look his best friend was giving him.

                "You think you've got it bad, because your parents _don't like your girlfriend_?" Sirius said quietly, with the kind of spite in his voice James had thought was only possible coming from a Slytherin. "You don't know _anything_ about having fucked up parents. Imagine parents loathing the sight of you. Imagine parents who remind you every single day that your younger brother is everything they had hoped you would be. Imagine parents who tell you at every possible moment that you're worthless, that you'll amount to _nothing." The tears were now falling freely from Sirius' face. James stood up slowly. "Imagine parents who either snap and sneer at you, or ignore you, pretending you don't exist." James put a hand onto his friends' shaking shoulder, but Sirius shrugged it off. "Imagine parents who force you to go to stupid dinner parties with their horrible, disgusting, 'pure-blood' friends, and then afterwards – _beat _you, if you said one-word-wrong..." Sirius' voice had broken on the last sentence, and he turned, hand to his forehead and walked out of the hall. All the eyes in the Great Hall were on Remus, Peter and James as they hurried after their friend._

                James caught up with Sirius in the entrance hall. He reached a hand out and touched Sirius' shoulder. Sirius spun round and pushed James, hard, to the floor. Remus rushed to help James and Peter backed away looking terrified. James simply stared up at his best friend in shock – and in shame.

                "Parents who hate you, James!" Sirius shouted at him. "You don't know anything about how that feels. Your parents love you – that's why they say they're so angry because you didn't tell them about Lily sooner...they just want the best for you! I don't think my parents could care less." Sirius paused, breathing heavily. "Your mum and dad are saints. They took me in without question or judgement. So don't you fucking dare even _try _to compare our parents, James! Don't you fucking dare."

                Sirius turned and walked up the stairs and out of sight. Remus and Peter tried to steady a shaking James as they helped him to his feet. After an awkward silence, Remus said, "You really shouldn't have said anything about the Blacks, Prongs." James felt the sarcasm he wanted to say obvious without him having to speak, so he didn't reply.

                "I've never seen Padfoot so angry before," said Peter in disbelief.

                "Or so upset..." added Remus.

                James couldn't tear his gaze away from the stairs; he felt crushed and shameful, as he willed his brain to believe that the last five minutes hadn't really just happened.

**PART TWO:**

**_Breathe_**

****

****

**_~ I'm trying to scream but I can't breathe..._**

**_Can anybody hear me? ~_**

****

****

Sirius scrunched himself up in the corner of the dormitory, trembling. The tears were flowing and he felt like he couldn't breathe. He held his hands to his ears, pressing hard, trying to block out the voices, but they were trapped in his head and he couldn't shut them up. "Shut up," whispered Sirius Sirius quietly, as his mother told him that the best job he'd ever be able to get at the ministry would be a cleaner. "Shut up," he said, as his father sneered at him that Regulus had already been offered the job of Minister of Magic by Mr Black's powerful friends. "Shut up," Sirius said loudly, as his brother got offered everything he'd ever wanted, while Sirius sat in the corner, on his own, playing with a bauble on the Christmas Tree. "Leave me alone!" he screamed as he felt the raw, blistering pain of his mother slapping him hard across the cheek because she said she didn't like the look of him.

**_~ I'm trying to dream but I can't sleep..._**

**_Can anyone shield me? ~_**

****

****

The voices droned down a bit; Sirius shivered and wrapped his arms around himself. _Damn them all to hell, he thought, but it only seemed to feed the anger flooding through his veins. Sirius slammed his hand against the wall and didn't even feel the pain._

                He dragged himself up and swayed a bit as a moment of dizziness took over. Blinking a few times, he walked over to his mirror and winced as he saw the bags under his eyes. He hadn't slept for five days straight. Why hadn't anyone noticed? Did no one care for him other than for the guy who can give you a few good laughs?

**_~ I shut my eyes and hold my cries to myself ~_**

****

****

He knew he shouldn't have lost his temper with James, he knew that. But he'd had to hold it all inside for so long...and he was tired of having to just pretend his anger wasn't there. He was sick of having to play the funny arse who charms all the girls. That really wasn't who Sirius was...

                Looking at himself in the mirror, he knew he was seeing the real Sirius Black. Slightly scruffy hair because he hadn't bothered to brush it that morning. Bloodshot eyes from a lifetime of tears. A pale face, hungry and tired, wanting only rest and peace...

                But his family had well and truly fucked him up into making a protective shell around himself. He would never let anyone in. He'd never give anyone the change to see who Sirius Black really was, just so they could laugh at him, tell him they hated him, rip up his soul and break his heart – just like his parents had...

**_~ My pride's in the shitter ~_**

****

****

Moving away from the mirror, Sirius leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. He had to get a grip. He didn't know how many people had heard him arguing with James but he was sure he must have caught people's attention; it's not everyday that the immature player Sirius Black cries openly in front of everyone.

                Sirius had never shouted at James so harshly before. He mentally kicked himself as the image of James' face after he'd pushed him over flew across his eyes.

                But he couldn't be worrying about that yet.

                Eyes still shut, Sirius reached into his pocket and drew out his most beloved object – a penknife...

**_~ But I... ~_**

Sirius clicked out the knife and touched it to his finger before opening his eyes to the gleaming tip. He didn't want to pretend anymore – he just wanted the pain to stop...Sirius began to dig the knife in... He stopped as the first drop of blood oozed out. Gazing at the small red liquid as it gently glazed over his finger, he pushed the tip in further, amazed at how great it felt. Taking the knife down to his arm, he cut in, slicing down...

                Feeling weak, Sirius slid to the floor, grinning crazily. He hadn't done this since he'd moved in to the Potters'. James had found out and had made him promise to stop. So he had. But Sirius didn't care about promises anymore. His parents were supposed to have promised to love him forever when he was born. No one had kept a promise to him – so why should he keep promises?

                Sirius dug the knife in, cutting deeper, tears brimming his eyes. He wondered then whether he could end it all. He'd thought about it dozens of times before; just a little more pressure on the knife, and... 

Pausing, he thought about what his friends would say. They'd probably cry a tear or two and then move on to find another clown. The Potters' would be sad about the wasted life of a poor, sad boy, but then just feel glad that they got their house back, free from unwanted visitors. His parents would most definitely be ecstatic – they could carry on pretending they only had one son, just like they'd always wanted...

**_~ Won't quit ~_**

****

****

Sirius threw the knife across the room with such a force that it hit the wall opposite, leaving a dent, and then fell clattering down. Sirius would _never give his parents the satisfaction of his own suicide. They would know that they were the ones who broke him, leaving smiles on their faces – and the last thing Sirius wanted was their happiness._

                Standing up unsteadily, he looked at the blood still leaking through the long, ragged and very deep cut on his arm. He felt weak, and wondered how much blood he had lost. Still feeling high and strangely happy from the stinging pain he felt, Sirius looked around him spotting an old muggle t-shirt lying on his bed that he;d been using to slepp in. Picking it up, he mopped the blood gently, grinning in pleasure as each time the shirt touched his cut he felt a new buzzing, releasing pain. When he had soaked up most of the dark blood on his arm, he spread the shirt out and, with some difficulty, wrapped it tightly around his cut. Sirius pulled his robes back on and glanced in the mirror, hoping his eyes weren't too bloodshot. Examining his arm and face in the mirror, he decided that no one would notice anything was up.

                As Sirius walked down to his second lesson after realising that he'd somehow missed his first, he promised himself that he'd never let himself get so close to ending it all again. He wasn't going to give in just because his mum and dad were arseholes. He wasn't going to give in; he wasn't going to just _quit_...

**_~ Never quit. ~_**

****

****

**PART THREE:**

**_Notes and Hidden Meanings_**

****

James stared at the wall, expressionless. Sirius hadn't turned up to Care of Magical Creatures, and James had spent the whole lesson worrying over his best friend's reaction to a few angry, in-the-heat-of-the-moment words that James hadn't even really meant. He had met Sirius' parents before, when the friends were but seven years old and not yet friends. He seemed to remember a distinct air of feeling unwanted and unsafe the moment he had stepped through the doorway of the large house that had belonged to the Blacks for centuries, clasping his mother's hand and feeling a comforting feeling from her own sweaty hand; James supposed she had felt that same was as he did about entering the dark and dreary home they were supposed to be making friend with.

                The Potters lived just outside London in a cosy little cottage on a small, almost empty lane called Godric's Hollow. They had moved in there when the house's previous occupants, James' grandparents, had passed away almost simultaneously, leaving the home to their son, Mr Darrel Potter, in their will.

                Why in a personal letter addressed to James' parents had his grandfather suggested becoming friends with the Blacks was a question James was still unsure of the answer to even after finding and reading this letter himself. But when his grandparents passed away, Mr Potter had sworn to give up all that "evil dark arts stuff" his parents had believed in, and James supposed that the Blacks had the dark arts in common with the late Mr and Mrs Potter seeing as how they all schemed and planned their lives through it. But why want their son and his family to be friends with them?

                After Mrs Potter had persuaded Mr Potter into just meeting the Blacks (purely for social interests), they went to the house never wanting to return ever again. James could recall the unpleasant scent of dark magic you received when going into each room, and didn't blame his parents for not wanting to go back, but the two seven year old boys, Black and Potter, once met were _not _easily separated.

                James smiled as memories of his and Sirius' seven year old selves playing together, so easily satisfied, flittered through his mind, and saddened him as he thought of the troubles they had just ten years later, not even finished as school boys.

                Looking up as Sirius walked in, face pale and weak, James felt a surge of guilt as he thought of how stupid he'd been that morning. His parents were great really – they were always there for him, even if sometimes the tried to control his life a bit too harshly. James doubted that the Blacks had ever been there to care for Sirius.

                Professor Kilwoed gave Sirius a sharp look as he walked through the door and stopped at her desk. "Why are you ten minutes late to my lesson, Mr Black? What is your excuse?"

                "I...I didn't feel too well, professor," Sirius said, performing the little routine of a pained face and a hand to his stomach that he and the Marauders had practice to perfection.

                Kirlwoed's face softened slightly. "Did you go to the hospital wing?" she asked sweetly.

                "I was just on my way there when I realised I would miss my favourite lesson of the week. I'm really sorry I'm late, miss." Sirius gave Kilwoed the pained smile of an invalid trying to be brave.

                Kilwoed gave Sirius a sympathetic look in return. "You go and take your seat, Black. And take it easy," she added before Sirius walked away. James hadn't even realised he'd been grinning at the excellence of Sirius' performance until Sirius' own fake smile vanished and he walked to the only seat left in the classroom, next to Peter, three seats away from James. James remembered then with a pang that Sirius probably wasn't talking to him – and why should he? James had been an arse and had reminded his friend of feelings that Sirius obviously didn't want to think on.

                Deciding to do what he hadn't done for a while, James found a scrap of parchment in his bag and wrote Sirius a quick note:

                                **Padfoot**** – **

**                                       You alright?**

**– Prongs **

James flicked the note across Remus and Peter so that it landed on Sirius' desk. James watched as Sirius took a while in contemplating the note in front of him before opening it and slowly reading the words in front of him. Sirius frowned before taking time in scribbling something and flicking it back without a glance in James' direction. James opened the note:

                                **_Why shouldn't I be alright?_**

****

****                **Well, ok then. Good.**

**                                _So, any ideas on how to annoy the Slytherins_**

**_                                today? It's been too long since I late saw _**

**_them_****_ mad at us!_**

                James sighed. Sirius was hiding again; like he always did when he wanted to shut people out. Changing the subject to playing jokes on Slytherins was always a clear sign to James that Sirius didn't want to talk about something. But maybe they _should _talk about it this time.

                                **Look, it's obvious you're _not fine in any way._**

**                                I'm really sorry about what I said this**

**                                morning, it was really out of order – but I **

**                                feel like you're only pretending you're not**

**                                mad at me.**

                                **_Prongs, if you don't stop acting like a girl this_**

**_                                instant I'm going to act my evil wrath out on _**

**_you_****_ instead of Snape!_**

                Realising Sirius was properly hidden under his shell and that there wasn't much he could do about it, James gave up and began plotting evil schemes against all Slytherins, and by the end of the lesson, the two had a long and devious plan for their amusement that was sure to get them expelled at least eighteen times if they were caught...

The fireworks that exploded out of Snape's soup that evening bounced all across the Slytherin table. Each time it entered someone's soup, pink sticky fairy dust flew out and covered all the Slytherins nearby, and somehow produced more fireworks so that within ten seconds there were hundreds of these tiny fairy dust soup-exploding fireworks splattering all over the table. There seemed to be some sort of force field around the Slytherins, because none of the other houses were getting hit with the dust, and all were screeching with laughter as the teachers rushed around trying to catch the fireworks and to break the protective spell around that was doing more harm than it was protecting.

                James only managed a meek smile as friends around him were having to make an effort not to fall off their chairs with the force of the laughter that escaped their throats.

                "H-h-_how?" was all Remus managed to get out as he wiped a tear from his eye._

                Sirius' grin broadened. "Well, I sneaked down to Hogsmeade to get the fireworks, and James here," Sirius clapped a hand on his friend's shoulder, "worked on the fireworks to get them all to fit into one and to explode out with the pink dust I found in Zonkos – this boy's so clever and wonderful I could _kiss _him." Much to James' misfortune Sirius actually _did _kiss him, and left a slobbery mark on his cheek in doing so. "It's been too long," Sirius said with a contented sigh as James tried to wipe his cheek with his robes.

                As he turned his head in order for the material to meet his saliva-covered skin, James caught the disgusted look Lily was sending his way and his heart fell. She turned away looking almost hurt, and James saw her mutter something to November and Priscilla before exiting the hall leaving her friends to exchange confused glances.

                James stood up.

                "Where are you going?" asked Sirius. "You haven't witnessed the main event yet!"

                "Don't feel well," muttered James. Leaving his friends to hear from Sirius how he and James had managed to bribe the house elves in the kitchen with tea cosies to put their firework into Snape's soup, James ran out of the hall just missing the second round of fireworks he and Sirius had planted, this time in every Slytherins' soups.

                Leaving behind the booms of laughter, James ran up the stairs in the entrance hall to find Lily a little ahead of him, walking slowly in the direction of Gryffindor Tower.

                James caught up with her. "Hey Lil. You ok?"

                Lily gave him a sideways look before she decided to stare at her feet. "Of course I am, Potter."

                _Ouch. Lily hadn't called him Potter for a while now._

"I know you know that it was me and Sirius who planted those fireworks..."

                "Why should I care?" Lily interrupted angrily. "I thought perhaps you'd changed from the childish, immature little boy you used to be, but I was wrong. My mistake. My problem, my fault, not yours."

                James bit his lip, ignoring the surging pain he felt at the pit of his stomach. "I know you don't care but you have to understand I didn't do that for my own personal amusement. I did it for Sirius..."

                "Oh yeah," Lily retorted sarcastically. "You made all that effort to annoy the Slytherins because...what this time? Sirius' birthday today? An early Halloween gift?" James shook his head. "Well what then?"

                Despite the promise James had made about Sirius' home life staying within the Marauders, he ended up telling Lily _everything_: from everything about Sirius' awful parents, about him running away to live with James, right up to explaining why Sirius had been so upset that morning at breakfast.

                "He just keeps it all to himself, all the time," James explained. He and Lily were sitting on the floor of the common room, leaning against a wall. "Never lets anyone in. That's why he tries to be the fool all the time. I think it gives him attention, makes him feel wanted."

                As Lily edged forward her face caught light from the flicker of flames in the warm fire and James saw she was looking slightly apologetic towards him. "I can't believe it," she said. "Poor Sirius. I had no idea..." She turned to look at James properly. "Sorry I had a go at you."

                "Forget it..."

                "No. No, you didn't deserve what I said about you still being stupid and immature. You really have changed, James. I just – didn't fully see it before..."

                James wanted to smile all his pains and all his joys out, but as Lily moved closer and closer to James all he could do was try to push back his anxiety and close his eyes...

                At that moment the portrait hole was filled with people as Gryffindors returned from dinner. Lily and James sprang apart and glanced around before catching each other's eye and laughing nervously.

                "We're acting like a guilty couple!" Lily said weakly.

                Sirius rushed up. "James James James James you should have seen it it was fan_tastic..."___

"Padfoot why don't you go upstairs I'll meet you up there in a second." James gave Sirius a long, meaningful stare before his friend finally understood, grinned, and ran away to share his fireworks explanation with various fans who crowded around him.

                James looked at Lily and smiled nervously.

                "So, Halloween in a few days. Were your parents really that angry at you?" Lily asked sounding worried. James had told her what the letter he had received back from his parents had said.

                "Yeah... But they are good people really," James added quickly. "They won't be mad at _you, just at me. Don't worry, they'll love you, why wouldn't they..."_

                Lily smiled at James. "Thank you," she said softly, touching James' arm lightly.

                James moved away suddenly and laughed to get rid of the tension. "Look at us, we're already acting like we're going out!"

                Lily bit her lip. "But we're not," she said, laughing weakly. "It's just pretend. For your parents, right?"

                "Right," said James quietly, not sounding as sure as he would have liked in front of Lily.

                The two walked away with short goodbyes and as James headed towards his dormitory he felt more confused about Lily's feelings towards him than he would have liked just a few days before they were supposed to be putting on a show together in front of his parents... 


	5. A Warm Welcome

**"Everybody Hurts"**

**Rowan Arkenson**

**Summary: **Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems... 

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine. :) enjoy.

**A/N:** ok not many people reviewed chapter four. I guess that might have been because I only put the chapter over the author's note so it didn't come up as being updated. Ah well. Cheers to the people who did anyway:

**Edolie**** – wow I love you so much that was one helluva long+lovely review!!! :D Well, to answer things you said in your review: Yeah I really love writing and I love my reviewers, and I know how annoying it is when someone doesn't update for ages, like I'm doing on my other stories – I feel so guilty! – so I'm trying to write this as much as possible. Ah, the Remus thing – there was something I was going to do with that but I'm still not sure about it, so…yeah. Lol. Not very enlightening I know, but oh well. In most fics it's all about Lily and James and that really annoys me, because I LOVE Sirius and the others, and I know they must have crap going on in their lives, but no one really focuses on them much. So mine is more of an  L/J / MWPP / EVERYONE ELSE  fic, lol. On the Lily thing, there is this one scene I might put in near the end that will let you into her mind a bit, but if not, then definitely the very last bit of this story which I've already written let's you see into her more. And you will learn a helluva lot more about her in the sequel. Oh, BY THE WAY, there's going to be a sequel! What do you think it should be called? Not that it matters yet I guess 'cause this still has a LONG way to go. I like Lily being hidden because I think it shows you exactly how James feels. I'm glad you feel that too! Ah, poor Sirius and James. They have rather a complex relationship don't they? Love each other to bits but things keep going wrong. I guess it's just hormones. But stuff's going to happen soon that you are SOOOOOOO not going to like. It's so horrible, but sometimes your best friend can be the person you hate the most, because they're the ones who know you best, and so can hurt you the most. Oh wow I'm so glad you think this story's realistic – I never really think about it in terms of realism because a lot of the fics on here are so UNrealistic, so you saying that to me is a huge compliment, thank you. I think I usually put too much of myself into these things though, lol. Oh well. I guess it helps, right?! Yeah, onto the Sirius thing, I felt so sorry for the younger version of himself when reading OotP, I couldn't believe that JK portrayed him as being such a "funny", charming dickhead in the pensieve. So I thought maybe it was just a shell; my life is nowhere near as bad as his was, but we all have our problems, right? And I don't tend to enjoy sharing mine, so most of the time I just smile and laugh and hope no one will notice. So I guess if I had to pick a character that was most like me in this story, it would definitely be Sirius. And don't worry; "light-hearted teasing" will hopefully be back at the start of this chapter, I don't wanna make this too depressing for everyone! Oh, and by the way, I sincerely hope that you _are a wacko who's obsessed with my stories!! I loved reading your review; I'd had a seriously crappy day, and reading your review put a HUGE smile on my face for like, an hour! Heehee. Right, so I'll let you go now, enjoy the chapter!! :D_**

**Leigh – **yeah I prefer this one to secret love (that's the story you were talking about, right?) well here's your new chapter, thanks for reviewing J

**A/N: **sorry about that everyone but Edolie put up such a huge review I had to answer all her (?) questions. Anyway, I hope you like the chapter, should be angsty – poor James :( anyway, review pleeeeeeeease and ARGH BACK TO SCHOOL SOON grr hate school. I'm back on the 5th of September, SUCKYASS. Oh well. So, yeah, I'll defs still write as much while at school, because, well, fuck school basically, but I'm going into Year 10, and I don't know how the American system works AT ALL but people living in England will know that I probably have a huge amount of coursework coming up, so I might be a little stressed at first, but I'll still try and find time for this story I promise! This chapter's a bit shorter than the others, but when I finished writing the last paragraph, I couldn't write anymore, and decided to end the chapter. Hopefully the next one will be along soon! :) ~rowanx (by the way, I haven't gone over this chapter at all, so I apologise now for all the typos there's bound to be!)

~ Dedicated to Edolie for giving me the longest review I've ever had for this story :D ~

**Chapter Five – A Warm Welcome**

****

James breathed in deeply. He held his breath for a moment and then let it out again, slowly.

                "And again," said Remus soothingly, in hope to aid his friend in not having a heart attack.

                "Lucky buggar," said Sirius miserably while James continued to breathe. "I didn't actually think Dumbledore would let you go. It's not even a proper break!"

                "Should be though," mumbled Remus.

                "Yeah but if we went home we'd miss the Halloween feast," pointed out Peter. "Nothing could make me want to miss _that_."

                "Mrs Potter's cooking could," said Sirius dreamily, licking his lips.

                James frowned. "Yeah, well you're welcome to take my place." He groaned. "I really don't think I can do this."

                "What, because…you don't like your mother's cooking?" Peter asked slowly, a confused look on his face."

                "Um, actually I think he was referring more to the 'Lily' situation," said Remus quietly.

                "Ohhh." Peter took a moment and then his face brightened up. "Oh, right." He gave James a sympathetic look. "It'll be ok, Prongs."

                 James put his head in his hands and groaned again. Remus, who was sitting nearest to him, nudged James in the ribs. He looked up into Remus' face inquisitively, but his eyes strayed almost immediately to the stairs, and it took all of his body's strength just to keep from gasping.

                Lily stood at the top of the stairs, radiating beauty from just smiling down into the common room, where James managed to smile shakily back. _Even in the plainest of clothes, she looks gorgeous... Wearing tight, light blue, flared jeans with a cute butterfly patch sewn onto a pocket, Lily descended the stairs, her plain white trainers uncovering occasionally as her knees worked the steps. A crinkly beige jacket lightly covered her arms and shoulders, and a small tight t-shirt, blue in colour, let way for Lily's cascading red hair to spill over her shoulders and curve by her breasts. James wondered with a smile if Lily would ever tie those gorgeous waves of hair away from everyone's sight. He hoped she wouldn't. As Lily approached with a small, "Hi," James saw she was wearing soft pinky-purple eye shadow and a red lipstick that James realised made her lips even harder to resist._

                "How do I look?" Lily asked nervously, looking up at a now standing James. 

"You… Incredible," James breathed. Lily's already pink cheeks flushed a dark red as she stuttered a thanks.

"What's with the casual look, Lils?" asked Sirius, standing up.

Lily shrugged. "Didn't really want to dress up. This shows more what I'm really like, right?" She smiled at James who nodded in agreement.

"Well, you look really beautiful," Sirius said, making Lily smile brightly. "You sure you don't want to pretend to be _my _girlfriend?"

She pushed him away playfully. "Maybe," she teased. "When I've finished with James."

"Well, good luck with him," said Sirius in a sympathetic voice. Lily laughed.

James' already dark face creased into a frown as his pursed lips managed to force a cough. "Shall we go then?"

"See?" said Sirius quietly. "Bit of an impatient one, he is. Well, don't say I didn't try to warn you."

Lily's laugh could be heard following behind James and he waved absent-mindedly to his friends, wondering if Sirius even knew what he was doing, and that if he did, James was going to kill him first chance he got.

"James? Is that you, dear?" James coughed and stood up, pulling his bag out of the fireplace. He brushed himself down as Mrs Potter came rushing into the living room, her flowery dress making her looking very much like a housewife; which she was, plain and simply. "No _no_ dear, you'll get all the dust on the floor. Oh for goodness sake." She pulled out her wand and said, "Frillicus." James was immediately cleaned up and he stepped back, waiting for Lily to appear. "Aren't you even going to greet your own mother?" asked Mrs Potter.

                "I'm just waiting for Lily, mum," said James patiently. A few moments later a tumble of red landed in the fireplace. James held out his hand, and Lily took it gratefully, pulling herself up as she said the cleaning spell on herself so that she wouldn't ruin the floor of a home she had never been in before.

                "Well, it's a good thing Lily knows her magic!" Mrs Potter said. She smiled. "Hello, dear. I'm James' mother."

                "Nice to meet you," Lily said, holding out a hand. "I'm Lily, James' girlfriend." James grinned. He never thought he would hear Lily say that sentence.

                "Well of course you are, dear," said Mrs Potter kindly, but with the kind of straight face that lead James to believe she was only being polite. "I'll just go and fetch your father, James."

                As Mrs Potter left the room, Lily turned to James and said quietly, "It's going ok, right?"

                "Of course it is," James lied, waiting with dread for his dad to arrive. "When you're talking to my dad, just make sure…"

                At that moment Mr Potter entered the room, wearing black robes over his blue shirt and black shoes. He looked from Lily to James and said, "So this is your girlfriend?"

                "Hello to you too dad," said James with a smile. "Yes I have had a great time at Hogwarts so far, thanks for asking."

                "How come we've never heard of her before?"

                James could feel Lily's eyes on him but tried his hardest to ignore this. "Well we only really got to know each other at the start of this year, dad…"

                His dad shook his head disapprovingly. "And she's already your girlfriend? In my day we took the girl out far longer than that before we became inclusive."

                "Dad…" James sighed despairingly.

                "I mean I see no reason you can't date Anita as well as this girl, no offence love," Mr Potter said in Lily's direction. Lily simply shook her head tightly, but Mr Potter went on before she had a chance to say anything. _So it starts, thought James miserably, glancing painfully at Lily's uncomfortable expression._

                James motioned Lily to sit down and she did so, despite looks of scorn from his mother. "Dad," said James interrupting. "Dad, listen." Mr Potter stopped talking mid-sentence. "Dad, how many times do we have to go over this. I don't like Anita. So can we just drop it?" Mr Potter frowned and the two men stared at each other for a while.

                Mrs Potter coughed and said, "Well, James, why don't you show Lily your room? No doubt you'll want to share." James didn't have time to blush because his mum rushed him and Lily out of the room with their bags and shut the door. Soon enough you could hear some quiet but obviously 'heated' discussion coming from inside.

                James sighed. "God Lily I'm so sorry…"

                "It's ok!" Lily said with a smile. "Everyone has parents to deal with, right?"

                "Right," James said, feeling comforted slightly as the two made their way upstairs. James led Lily past his parents' room, past the small bathroom he quickly introduced her too, and stood by his bedroom. Pushing open the dark oak handle, Lily walked in and James closed the door behind them.

                James took Lily's bag and put it on his bed. "Sorry, looks like we'll have to bunk up tonight," he said apologetically.

                "Don't worry, I don't mind," Lily said quickly, and then blushed as she turned away. "Love your room," she said with a small cough. James' room was quite small with wooden walls, ceiling and floor. There was a fire that didn't look as though it had been used in centuries, and above it on the mantel piece pictures. Lily picked one up and James came round beside her to see her smile down at the eight year old selves of James and Sirius fighting over a small toy on the floor of the very bedroom she was in. "He hasn't changed much has he?" Lily said quietly.

                James smiled. "No, not really. The will to have sex with every girl he meets is a new development though…I think."

                Lily laughed. "I'll tell him you said that!"

                "And what do you expect him to say? He'll be flattered I've noticed."

                Lily laughed again and continued on her tour of the room. She stopped after a few seconds. There wasn't much else in the room, except for a cosy-looking beanbag stuffed in the corner by the slanted wall. She moved to sit on it and settled herself down comfortably. James looked around him and decided on the floor by his dresser which held absolutely nothing seeing as how he had all of his clothes with him at Hogwarts.

                "So…happy Halloween, I guess," Lily said with a wry smile.

                James smiled. "Thank you so much for coming, I know this can't be much fun…"

                "No, it is. I'm happy," said Lily quietly.

                There was an awkward silence in which James thought of a thousand things to say but deflected them all from coming out of his mouth on the impulsive feeling that they all sounded lame. "So," he said eventually, "You're parents…are they any better than mine?"

                Lily smiled. "Uh, yeah, I guess. They treat me well enough."

                "How did they take it when you got your letter to Hogwarts?" James asked, knowing she was a muggle-born.

                "Pretty well. Ecstatic, actually," Lily said with a small laugh. The light in her face quickly faded as she added, "My sister didn't take it quite so well."

                "Why not?"

                "Well, she always hated me anyway, and she's older than me so when I was born I think she got a little jealous of all the attention Baby Lily was getting." James smiled. "So then when I found out I was a witch but she wasn't, I got even more attention, and Petunia – that's my sister – she just got even more jealous and hates me even more."

                James frowned. "How can she still hate you? She must be…19?"

                "20," Lily corrected.

                "Ok then, 20 years old. How can she still hate you? Isn't she supposed to be an adult?"

                Lily shrugged. "I don't know. She's always managed to make me feel inferior to her though. Like, she's so much prettier than me, and more intelligent, and she's getting _married _soon for God's sake and I…" Lily stopped abruptly, looking embarrassed. She turned her head away from James who felt intrigued and stood up. He walked over and sat by the bean bag Lily was sat on.

                "You what?" he asked gently.

                Lily sighed and spoke quietly, still turned away from James so that he could barely see her. "I've never…you know…never…well, I mean, I'm still…"

                James grinned knowingly. "Still a virgin?"

                "Shush! We don't want your parents to hear!" Lily insisted, glowing bright red.

                "You want to know a secret?" James asked, playing with Lily's hair. She nodded enthusiastically and he laughed, bent his head close to her ears, and whispered, "So am I."

                Lily gaped and pulled away, smiling broadly. "Are you being serious?" James laughed, trying to push down the flush he felt creeping into his cheeks. "James Potter, the guy who's been out with any and every girl in the school?!"

                "Well, not quite _every_…"

                "You don't expect me to believe you didn't sleep with any of them!"

                "Yes I do," James said quite seriously. "I mean, a lot of them wanted to, but…" Lily grinned. "I just didn't feel ready, or something. I don't know. … Stop grinning at me like that! You're one too!"

                Lily shrugged. "Yeah, but I never pretended I wasn't. I bet Sirius doesn't know."

                James smiled. "Of course he knows, he's my best friend. So do Remus and Peter. But it's only you four, and I want it keeping that way."

                "What's in it for me?" asked Lily teasingly.

                "It's more what I'll do to you if you tell than what I'll do for you if you don't," James threatened.

                "Like…what?"

                "Well," James said dangerously as he leaned in closer again. "I happen to know from talking to a very reliable source that you…are…ticklish…"

                James began tickling Lily furiously who, sure enough, began howling in fits of laughter. "James! James, no…no, stop!"

                There was a tap at the door. Lily and James stopped and stared at the door, alarmed. "James I don't know what you two are doing in there but will you please keep it down. Dinner's in an hour."

                As soon as the two heard Mrs Potters' footsteps patter away down the stairs, James and Lily laughed hysterically. Over the next hour they fooled around and talked, James learning more about Lily than he thought was imaginable. He found out she was in love with recent music and tried to make him listen to something on her tape player that blasted into his ears and made his nerves drum. _I really have to listen to music more, he thought, feeling apart from the muggle world Lily obviously loved. He discovered she had a cute male dog called Mountain, or "Tin" for short, that she showed him a picture of: he was small, fluffy and black. James had to admit the little fur ball did look rather adorable. He learned all about her passion for art; particularly for sketching self-portraits which James gradually and sadly understood from her melancholy accidental hints about ugliness and imperfection that they were not sketches in vain, but sketches to make her understand herself more; James thought this was both brave and strong-minded in not hating herself, which he knew she must have done in the past with an apparently perfect-looking sister. To show that he understood and that he thought she _was _perfect, James leaned over and kissed her softly on the cheek._

                "What was that for?" Lily asked, taken back.

                James, surprising himself, said, "If I could have a million paintings of your beautiful face, I would pin them up all over my life, so that I would never have to go without looking at you."

                Lily looked into James' eyes. Brown meeting green, James watched the colours blur before he leaned in and almost kissed those lips he'd been longing to touch…

                "James? James I've been calling you for ages! Dinner's on the table!" Mrs Potter's sharp voice came, ruining the moment, and making both Lily and James' eyes snap wide open. The two looked at each other from the same position they had gradually moved into over the last hour lying on James' bed, before slowly moving apart and over to the door, trying to think only of the Halloween dinner Mrs Potter had made them, and not of what would have happened if she hadn't interrupted them.

James sat down without making eye contact with Lily. She was sitting next to him, their arms brushing, so it was hard to simply ignore her. His parents sat opposite, politely passing potatoes and carrots and peas and chicken dressing, of which Lily politely declined.

                "What's the matter dear?" asked Mrs Potter stiffly. "Do you not like my chicken?"

                "No, no I'm sure it's great," Lily said awkwardly. "It's just that…I'm a vegetarian."

                James looked at her for the first time in the last ten minutes and raised an eyebrow. "Since when?"

                Mr Potter made a grunt of disapproval. "You don't even know what your own girlfriend eats, son?" James ignored him.

                "Well, you should have told us darling, I would have made you something else," said Mrs Potter. "Or perhaps James should have been looking out for you better."

                James opened his mouth angrily, all ready with a comeback, but Lily cut in, "No, really Mrs Potter, it's ok. I wouldn't want you to go through the hassle. I'm fine with just vegetables. I'm not really that hungry anyway, thank you though."

                Mrs Potter frowned slightly before nodding and digging in to her own food. "Happy Halloween," James said, his pulse beating a thousand beats as he wondered whether the dinner could get any worse.

                "Happy Halloween," echoed Lily, smiling around the table. James' parents eventually said the cheery phrase and soon the four of them were tucking into their food, Lily most enthusiastically eating away at her measly pile of vegetables. James gave her hand a small squeeze of thanks that she was putting up with so much, and it stayed there for a long time as Lily made no sign of wanting it to move.

                After ten minutes of the usual boring, polite conversations that wafted through the meal (including how school was going, how work at the ministry was (where Mr Potter worked), that yes the whether did indeed look good that evening, and how great it was that they hadn't had any trick or treaters yet ("Annoying little buggars, don't know the true meaning of Halloween; well it isn't going around with a bucket stealing other people's chocolate," motioned a grumpy Mr Potter)), Mrs Potter made the mistake of asking James how his friends were.

                James hoped this wasn't going to go where he thought it would. "They're fine mum why do you ask?"

                "I'm just interested," Mrs Potter said, sounding defensive. "Am I not allowed to be interested in my son's life?" She looked at Lily who smiled in fake amusement.

                James frowned. "Ok," he said slowly. But before he could take in another mouthful, she hit him again.

                "Anita one of your friends?"

                "Mum…"

                "I was just asking. There's no reason you can't be friends with the girl."

                "Yes there is," James said angrily. "The fact that generally you're supposed to actually like your friends."

                "Now that's not fair son, you hardly know her," argued Mr Potter fairly.

                James (with the hand that wasn't holding Lily's) counted on his fingers. He held up one finger. "She's rude." He held up a second finger. "She's two years younger than me." He held up another finger. "She never leaves me alone." He held up a fourth finger. "She doesn't quite understand the difference between playing hard to get, and ignoring someone because you don't like them, don't want to be their friend, and most definitely do not want to go out with them!"

                Mrs Potter sighed as though James were being difficult but his dad got their first. "James, I will not have you talk about one of my colleague's daughters like that. Anita is a lovely girl, beautiful, well brought up, and I will not have you speaking of her like she was stupid."

                "I agree," added Mrs Potter. "You are being a bit picky, darling. I'm sure it's not as though _Lily_ here is all that intelligent and perfect."

                James slammed his fork down. "You have no right to say that you've only known Lily for two hours and you've barely giving her a chance! Lily is the brightest girl in our year, she tops me and your darling Sirius at a lot of things! She is perfect because I have not found one thing yet that I don't want to be with her because! She's generous, she's kind, she's beautiful, sometimes she makes me laugh and sometimes she makes me feel sad because I know that sometimes I won't be without her. I love her. Ok? So could you two at least make the effort to be even just a little courteous to her because she has shown nothing but politeness since the moment she got here and all you two can go on about is Anita which is a waste of time because I will never go out with Anita! Are you finally getting this message?"

                There was a long silence. James felt the heat rise up in his face. He could feel Lily's astonished gaze on him and stood up, holding her hand, and turned away from her so she couldn't see how embarrassed he looked. He stormed out of the dining room and out of the house, taking Lily with him. After walking a few streets he began slowing down and tried to breathe in deeply, letting all his anger flow out before he had to talk to Lily. But it seemed she had thinking of her own to do, so the two walked around hand in hand, each lost in their own thoughts.

                They reached a small park and entered, Lily sitting on a swing and James climbing to sit up on top of the monkey bars. After a few moments Lily said, "Thank you for defending me; even though I'm not really yours to defend."

                James had the feeling that she had taken a long time choosing those words and wondered if they had any hidden meaning in them. Eventually he answered, "Your welcome," in a low voice.

                "I'm sure your parents aren't all bad. They – they just want what's best for you…"

                "That's exactly what Sirius said," James mumbled. Lily laughed and James smiled. "I'm sorry about all that. I know you were expecting just to have to pretend to like me for two days and then that would be it." Lily nodded but didn't say anything. "I guess we'll go back tomorrow. The plan was to stay tomorrow night as well, but I don't think I can take anymore of them." James sounded weary and turned so he could lie uncomfortably across the tops of the bars.

                Hesitating, Lily said, "James, before, when, well, you know before when you were telling your parents how much you, liked me?" James was glad she couldn't see his face glowing a darker red by the second. He grunted in reply. "Well, I was just, you know, wondering, I mean, it was such great acting…"

                "But it was just acting," James said quickly. "I happen to be pretty good at lying."

                After a moment Lily answered, "Oh. Ok then. Good. So, so you don't like me…"

                James turned his head. "Of course I like you. Just not in the way _they think." All tension broke as Lily's laughter filled the park and moanings about parents lead onto moaning about friends, school, and life in general._

                It started to get dark as the two walked back home; eerie shadows were thrown out of the way as their own thoughts tried to push to the surface. When James opened the door with his key and looked about the ground floor, he found to his delight that his parents had either gone out or had gone to bed.

                Without a word Lily and James walked up to his bedroom, exhausted from thought and movement. James shut his oak door behind them and immediately found a blanket in his drawers. He moved to the corner of his room and snuggled up on his bean bag. After a few moments, he heard Lily climb into his bed and pull his quilt around herself. Neither had bothered to change. Neither felt the energy to. As the depression of teenage hormones crept in to James' restless sleep, he wondered miserably if he would ever feel anything else. 


	6. Boys Are So Immature

**"Everybody Hurts"**

**Rowan Arkenson**

**Summary: **Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems... 

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine. :) enjoy.

**A/N:** LMAO!!! *laughs hard and falls over* … yes, so, it's been about 10 years since I last updated, but for some reason I got this URRRGE to start writing it again. Bearing in mind I usually tend to write another chapter and then give up again. But what the hell, you never know I might actually keep writing this, since my 6-month-long writer's block is slowly buggering off. :D (Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter and the author's note. Your support means everything to me.) ~rowanx

**Written after end of chapter:** This chapter's a bit shorter than the others, but I have my reasons: 1) It's 2am. I'm tired. Leave me alone. 2) I like where I ended it. I'm sure you won't and will soon be throwing bananas at me, but hey, I like bananas. Hope you like this chappy anyways. LOVE YOU ALL. (Also, I'm really tired so haven't spellchecked this or read over it. Apologies for mistakes or general badness. Will go over it when I have the time, or if I can be bothered.)

**Chapter Six – Boys Are So Immature**

The next day James awoke feeling like hell. He had remembered briefly feeling a few tears enter his disturbed sleep, but couldn't think of much else. Trying to move a pain shot across his back and through his neck. He blinked his eyes awake to remember he had slept on his beanbag the night before. Glancing over at his bed, he saw his bed empty – and _tidied_ _up._

_Where's Lily?? _he thought frantically. Falling to his feet he stumbled across the room and ran downstairs, crashing into his father at the bottom. "Well, aren't we in a rush to go back to Hogwarts?" Mr Potter joked heartily.

James managed a weak smile. It seemed they were trying to pretend last night hadn't changed. Fine by James, but it wasn't going to change how mad he was at his parents. "Have you seen Lily?" James asked calmly. Mr Potter nodded significantly towards the front room and smiled at James before continuing up the stairs. Glancing after his father, James walked to the living room and glanced inside through the open door. He gasped in shock. Lily and his mother were sat on the couch – together – _talking. _They began laughing and James walked in.

"Good morning sleepyhead," Lily said grinning to him. He raised an eyebrow and she just gave him a look. Standing up she turned to Mrs Potter. "Well, I'd better go and get my things packed up. Thank you ever so much for having us." Smiling at each other, Lily left the room winking at James, leaving him to stare in shock at his mother.

Mrs Potter stood up looking awkward. "Well, I was thinking about what you said last night; it really isn't fair to take anything out on Lily. Just because things didn't quite go as your father and I had hoped…" she said tightly. James could tell that this was hard for her to say, and he folded his arms, enjoying every second of it. "And it didn't feel right to let the poor young girl go thinking I was a harsh old woman."

James smiled and moved forward to hug his mother. "You're not old. And you're not harsh. Thank you," he said into her hair, and kissed her on the cheek.

Mrs Potter was smiling in joy and relief as James pulled away. 

Lily came back with her suitcase and James'. "Ready?"

James nodded as his father came into the room. "See you next year, then," James said. Mr Potter nodded sharply and his mother simply smiled. Lily stepped into the fireplace with her handful of floo powder and said "Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry", James quickly following suit.

***

James stumbled out of the fireplace in the common room with Lily somehow managing to walk through gracefully behind him. Lily took a look around while James brushed himself down. "Wow, nothing's been blown up this year," said Lily, raising her eyebrows.

"Makes a change from last year's Halloween," James said, smiling. "And the year before. No wait, and the year before that. And I think the year before that too…" 

Lily laughed. "Trust YOU guys to be all manly and think you have to blow things up to make it a Halloween fest."

James grinned. He was just about to answer when a loud "JAMSIE!!" yell came from the stairs. He looked up to see Sirius running down them. The next thing he knew he was laying on the floor with a big dog licking him.

"Down boy," came Remus' voice. Someone tug Padfoot off James and held out a hand to help James up.

"I missed you too Padfoot," said James laughing.

Sirius grinned and turned to Lily as Remus patted James on the back. "Welcome back," Sirius said. "James a total nightmare?"

"I'm RIGHT over here ya'know."

"I meant James' parents. Your parents, love." Sirius sighed and looked at Lily. "Sensitive one isn't he?"

Lily laughed. "Yeah, the Potters were ok…"

James frowned. "Sure, apart from that moment when there was yelling and meat and soot and beanbags and I seem to recall a certain Daddy-kins saying 'Anita Anita Anita Anita'. But yes apart from that the whole weekend was totally spiffing."

James had managed to get this out in one breath, and a very loud angry breath at that, and there was quite a long silence after, broken only by Sirius who, in a very quiet and shocked voice said, "…Did you just say 'spiffing'?"

Remus punched him. "What's this about beanbags?"

James shrugged, throwing his bags down and slumping in a chair. He vaguely heard Lily say she was going to go unpack, and then Remus and Sirius sat down on two chairs beside him. "So tell us what happened," Remus offered kindly.

"Nothing happened," James said sulkily. "My parents were dicks at dinner so I stormed out of the house with Lily and we went to the park."

"…And?" said and impatient Sirius, obviously waiting for the better parts of the story.

"And that was it," James said angrily. "I know you're all expecting some great romance out of me and Lily, but I told you, she hates me, ok? Nothing happened, get over it."

James stood up and grabbed his bags.

Remus grinned, despite James' sulky annoyance. "Ok fine, don't tell us what happened, tell us what_ almost_ happened."

Sirius smiled gleefully and pushed James back down into his chair, leaning forward and wiggling his eyebrows at Prongs. James sighed. "Fine, well I think we almost kissed on my bed, but it was just one of those "in the moment" things and my mum was outside the bedroom and yelled that dinner was ready before anything had a chance to happen, but nothing would have happened anyway ok?"

"That is _so_ denialist of you, girlfriend!" Sirius giggled. "I mean, seriously, get over yourself girl. This guy is so obvious, and you're just not facing facts!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "As much as I hate to say it, girl's got a point. I agree, Prongs. Except maybe in a less girly voice..."

James stood up. "This is getting stupid now. Are we just going to argue every day over whether Lily likes me or not until you two remember how much you _don't _care?"

"No, it'll end the day you get the guts to ask Lily out," said Remus, standing and folding his arms.

Sirius stood up and looked between the two. Their eyes were both narrowed and were staring straight into the other's. Sirius found this incredibly amusing. He yelled, "BOO!" into Remus' face, but his friend didn't move. Then he conjured up some orange juice and threw it at James' trousers. And there was much giggling from Remus.

"HA I win," grinned James triumphantly.

"Yes," Remus managed to get out, "But at least I'm toilet trained."

James looked down at his trousers and blushed. He picked up his bags and made his way to the boy's dorm staircase. "Honestly, boys are _so_ immature."

***

James watched as Lily soared into the air with the rest of his team. He couldn't get over how much more beautiful she was in air, especially seeing her from below. She never tied her hair back, and her luscious red curls were flowing around her, and yet never seemed to get in front of her eyes. She could always see the quaffle, and always caught it with perfect accuracy, zooming up the field as it hit her slender hands. Everyone knew she wasn't brilliant at getting in the points, but they had James and Anne to do that, and both had hardly ever missed a hoop. Besides, James had been watching Lily fly, and she was improving more and more each day.

A week ago, the day after they got back from Mr and Mrs Potter's house, James had woken up at 6am. It was barely light and no one was even around but he couldn't get back to sleep. He'd gotten up and walked down to the common room with his books to try and finish some Potions work. When he went to the window to open the curtains he could see down into the quidditch pitch, and could see someone take flight with such familiarity he knew it had to be Lily. The next day James woke up early again and saw Lily down there. He put a short invisibility spell on himself and went down to watch her. Not for long, as the spell wasn't very good, but just that ten minutes each morning since was enough to keep James in ecstasy for an entire week.

And now, watching her again, James was filled with that same feeling of belonging. A sense of _right_ness that Lily was meant to fly; and that he was meant to watch her. 

"Are we going or what?" James, a bit startled, jumped at the loud voice to his left. He stared at Sirius for a long time.

"How long have you been standing there?"

Sirius grinned. "Only a second." James breathed out inaudibly. So Sirius hadn't seen him staring at Lily. "So how come you have the attention span of a two year old and yet you can manage to stare transfixed at Lily for ten minutes without moving?"

James pouted. "I thought you said you were only there for a second," he mumbled, frowning.

"I was. I was watching you watch Lily from over _there_," Sirius pointed out gleefully, pointing a finger about ten metres away on the field. "You never asked me how long I'd been standing over there for."

James pushed Sirius over and jumped on his broomstick, racing away. Soon enough though he could hear his friend quickly behind him, and the two chased each other through the air, until Sirius finally caught his friend and they both fell with their broomsticks to the ground. Their team mates rushed around quickly, but James and Sirius were just laughing and tickling each other like cute little six year olds.

Just apart from the laughing crowd Lily stood with Priscilla, watching intently. Priscilla shook her head. "Boys are so immature," she said disapprovingly.

"Yeah. They are." Lily saw James laughing with Sirius. And smiled.

***

The room was silver. Cloaked in rubies and drapes of gold, it was the most beautiful room James had ever seen. Even more beautiful for Lily's presence.

"How come it took you so long?" she whimpered, rushing towards him.

James took her in his arms and hugged her close, never wanting to let go. "I got lost. I couldn't find you."

Lily pulled apart. She smiled and started singing. The words sounded Gaelic, probably Irish, but James knew nothing of the tune. Except that it was the most beautiful sound coming from her lips that he had ever heard. Running his hand down her cheek he silenced her with a kiss, pressing his lips against hers, feeling the warmth from her embrace as he felt her heart beat quickly against his chest…

***

James' eyes snapped open. He was sweating, and pushed the covers off himself. _Bugger,_ he thought. _Just a dream._James swung his legs out of the bed and sat there for a very long time, waiting for the sun to rise.

***

"You alright Prongs?" A very unenthusiastic James nodded. "It's just…your head's in your toast."

                James lifted his head off his plate and yawned. "Tired," he mumbled, picking a crumb from his hair.

                Remus grinned. "I wonder why…" he muttered. "Ooh, Lily, that's right Lily, do me on the haystack… Ouch!" Remus rubbed his leg angrily where James had kicked him.

                James rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. "Morning," came a cheery voice from above him. James looked up to see November standing next to him.

                "Mornin' Em," James mumbled.

                November sat down next to him, taking her bag off. "Ooh, what's wrong with you this morning? Mr. Moody?"

                "He's just moody because he isn't getting any OW Prongs stop kicking me! Bastard." Remus mumbled into his porridge looking highly peeved.

                November grinned. James frowned and said, "I'm just tired, mmkay?"

                November held up her hands in defence and said, "I am saying nothing. Just know I'm here for you baby, if you don't think you can last much longer." She laughed, and James grinned at her.

                "Nice to know," he said with a wink.

                "Gooooooood morning." James looked up sharply and his smile melted with Lily's presence. Was she talking to him? Should he answer? Moving his mouth like a fish, he watched as Lily walked up to the table and sat opposite.

                "Hi Lily," he said, smiling. "Y- How are you?"

                "I'm well thank you," Lily said grinning.

                Why was he so nervous all of a sudden? Panicking at the silence, James said, stuttering, "How was flying practice this morning?"

                Lily raised an eyebrow. "How did you know I was out flying this morning?"

                James opened his mouth and shut it again. Quickly deciding to use his back up plan he elbowed Remus in the ribs when Lily was looking down at her goblet to pick it up. Remus looked at James and sighed quietly.

                "I told him because I stalked you and saw you were practicing and then I laughed to James about how bad you were because, well, I'm a jerk," Remus said, smiling.

                Lily pouted. "Remus! James, slap him."

                "With pleasure."

                "OW!" Remus rubbed his cheek. Remus stood up with his bowl and moved to sit the other side of November. "I am never sitting by you again, you evil violent…_thing, _you."

                Lily laughed and James watched her happily.

                November slammed her goblet down obviously. "I'm going. I don't need to watch everyone flirting like immature little boys." She stood and stalked out of the hall quickly.

                Lily frowned. "Um, I think I better go see if she's ok."

                James nodded and watched her leave.

                After a moment's silence Remus said, "You think I'm immature?"

                James threw an orange at him.

***

The rest of that morning November was acting weird around everyone. When James tried to say "Hello" in Charms class she completely ignored him and stalked past to sit on her own. When James looked inquisitively at Priscilla and Lily they both shrugged, looking just as lost as everyone else.

                Despite November's coldness and sudden mood swing James had a surprisingly good morning. He wasn't really good friends with November anyway, and stopped pondering over what was wrong. He decided to just put it down to "that time of the month". Charms lesson was really good; they had to go in partners and James went with Remus since Sirius was nowhere to be seen (he was probably still asleep, lazy bugger) and Peter was in the medical room for damaging his bum in Potions. No one knew how. James had to levitate Remus into the air, but couldn't control it. Moody went flying across the classroom and fell into Priscilla, both of them knocking to the floor. Lily seemed to find it hysterical, and James decided he was going to carry a camera around just so that he could record every time Lily laughed and keep it to watch forever. This thought made him happy pretty much for the rest of the day, and he soon forgot that he'd only had two hours sleep the previous night.

                That evening everyone was sitting around in the common room. The conversation mainly consisted of making fun of Peter's sore bum. Which was amusing for a while, but then James felt he should go check on Sirius, since he hadn't seen him all day. He assumed his friend was just lazy, but thought he'd better check on him anyway. 

                "Sirius…?" James slowly opened the door to his dormitory and walked in. Sirius wasn't there. "Sirius, you here mate?" James walked to the bathroom door and knocked on it. There was no answer. James tried opening the door but it was locked. James started to panic. "Sirius you in there?" he asked, worried.

                He heard a faint mumble from inside. "Sirius, you locked in or what?"

                "I'm fine, go away…" came a very weak croak.

                "I – I'll get you out of there," James said. He put his hand into his pocket – his wand wasn't there. He'd left it down in the common room.

                "Sirius, I haven't got my wand on me so I'm going to knock the door down. Get away from the door mate."

                "No, James don't come in here…"

                James took a few steps away from the oak door and ran, slamming into it heavily. He did this again. And again. Fourth time the lock broke, surprising James at his own strength, and swung the door open to reveal Sirius crouched against the side of the bath tub, holding his arm. He stood up wobbling, and grinned weakly. "Got you there. Ha ha you should have heard your voice…"

                "Sirius you been here all day?" asked James incredulously.

                Sirius shook himself and let go of him arm, standing up straight. He smiled. "I'm fine. Let's go, I want to know about everything that happened today…"

                James gripped his friends shoulders in the doorway and looked him in the eye levelly. "Tell me what's wrong." Sirius looked away. "I'm not letting you go until you do."

                Sirius sighed. "Look, I just had a bad tummy ache, ok? Felt like skiving off for it."

                James frowned. "You don't seriously expect me to believe that?"

                "Yes, now leave me alone." Sirius pushed past James, pulling his arm out of James' grip. He yelled aloud and stumbled to the floor.

                James went pale. "Sirius what the fuck is wrong?"

                Sirius curled himself into a heap, cradling his arm, and stayed silent, his face in twisted pain.

                James fell onto his knees and grabbed Sirius' arm. "James, no, don't stop," Sirius said trying to pull himself free from James, but being too weak to do so James pulled back Sirius' sleeve…and froze.

                Cut into Sirius' arm in deep traces of dark red was one single word: Black. A million cuts around it held blood everywhere, and James thought he was going to throw up.

                Sirius pulled his arm away and drew his knees up to his chest, wrapping his good arm around them and lying his head down.

                James sat back and stared at Padfoot. The two sat there for about five minutes until James broke the silence. "Sirius…what the fuck are you doing?"

                Sirius pulled his head up angrily. "Whatever Potter." He stood up but James stopped him.

                "Why didn't you tell me?"

                "Oh yeah and what good would that have done? We could have had a man to man talk, get all the hidden emotions out, make it all go away? You tell Moony and Wormtail and we all have a big discussion about how to 'fix' this? You tell your fucking parents and they go all worried about me?"

                James frowned. "No, but we could have got you help…"

                "Oh yeah, from fucking muggles? From Dumbledore telling me how much everyone can 'help' me if I just let them try. Sure."

                "Why the hell did you even start again anyway?" James asked. "How long have you been doing this to yourself?"

                "Like you care," Sirius said spitefully. "You and the others, your heads in clouds, worried about your own little shitty problems, 'Oh dear, Lily doesn't fancy me', 'How can we fix that?'. You don't know shit about real life James. And you don't give a shit about me. None of you do. As long as you have good old Padfoot to have a laugh with you don't care what's wrong with me, as long as we can fix it up quickly so that you won't have to bother with it."

                James was stunned into silence. He gaped a while but no words came out. He soon realised he was crying, and quickly wiped a tear away before Sirius saw.

                "Look, James, there's nothing you can do to 'save' me, ok?" Sirius said in a softer tone, but one just as melancholy. He looked away and walked over to his bed, grabbing a t-shirt and pressing it against his arm. James sunk to the floor and sat there for a very long time.


	7. Dark Light : Poison of SelfAbsorbed : Su...

**"Everybody Hurts"**

**Rowan Arkenson**

**Summary: **Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems... 

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine. :) enjoy.

**A/N:** Hello. THANKEE TO EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED!! * :) *

**Brazen Angel – **She came back!! *hugs* I love you, I seem to remember you reviewing most of my previous chapters, you've stuck with me and I am so grateful for that. It's muchly appreciated :) Good luck with your story, I'm sure it'll all come to you eventually.

**Kat – **Your good luck charm worked :D Thank you very much!!

**miss**** taken – **Well aren't you just lovely! *hugs* Your review brightened my evening, thank you SO much!! I'm one of five?? SERIOUSLY? Well yeah most of the LJ stories on here are bollocks now, but thank you so much for thinking mine isn't! If you're like me and only go for the well written actually-has-a-point stuff, you should read "The Parents Who Died" by Someone The First (which unfortunately isn't finished, and I haven't read it for a while, but I seem to remember it being amazing) and if you go for the slash stuff (and even if you don't to be honest) read "And I, Blindly Looking, Fall", by ShinigamiForever – this one is a trilogy, if you like it read the next two, they're my favourite stories of all fanfiction.net stories. All are in my favourite stories list, near the bottom. (-Ok sorry for going on about stories and shit when I should be editing my chapter, but I need to spread the love!! xx)

**oAngel85o: **(Love your name by the way – very unique!) Thanks for understanding. A lot of people on here just go "oh, you haven't updated, you're a shit writer, you're lazy, I hate you, you're poo" which may be true but it's nice to get people who like my story enough to have patience with it.

**franseca****:** Thanks for reviewing :D

**Nestle: **Yay, you thought it was brilliant! *shines* Well, I've done this next chapter, ENJOY.

**Mythology:** Well cheers for coming back :) It means a lot to me that you came back and STILL like my writing! 

**Holly: **Love you pikey. Thanks for reading *amazement that you could stick it*. Means a lot to me. xx

I was going to write to the people who reviewed chapter five as well, but WAY too many people. And sorry if I missed anyone out who reviewed chapter six, you know I'm grateful for your reviews anyway :)

*cookies*

Oh yeah, I almost forgot:

**Em&Zo****: **You rock my world.

Hehe.

There's a bit of this chapter that goes a little weird. Um, yeah. Just thought I'd mention it. Warn you in advance. It goes a little metaphorical, a little poetic even, you might even say.

Also, this chapter's ALSO shorter than usual, but bugger you all, I didn't want it longer. It was good ending where I ended it. So there. :p

lol. Enjoy.

(ps, chapter = un-edited and uncared for. I apologise for suckyness.)

DEDICATED TO EM&ZO FOR ROCKING AND STUFF. xx

-rowanx

**Chapter Seven – Dark Light : Poison of Self-Absorbed : Surprise, Love**

****

James wasn't sure how long he'd been lying on the floor for. He knew the brown circular patterns on the ceiling had blurred before him. He wasn't sure where the ceiling was. He knew his left arm was feeling cold and sore. He couldn't remember why. He knew Sirius had stood up and left, but he didn't know how long ago that had been. He knew the sun had set and dark light was pouring through the windows, but he couldn't remember where the windows _were_. He knew he was feeling the worst he had in a long time, but he knew he wasn't feeling half as bad as his best friend was.

                Going through this list made James feel queasy and dizzy, so he stood up, feeling the ache in his leg, and looked around the room, recalling facts: where the ceiling was, where the windows were, listening to the echoes of a door slamming. He crossed the room and shut the curtains. The room fell dark. James wished it would swallow him away from worry and guilt. He wished he could stop thinking for just two seconds, but electricity was buzzing around his brain, and his head hurt to the point of near explosion.

                James picked up an unfortunately-placed practice quaffle from his table and threw it hard against the wall. The red smashed into pieces and fell sadly to the floor, just reminding James even further of Sirius' blood… James gripped his head, ordering it to stop thinking. He had to stop _thinking_. He had to talk to Sirius.

                Opening the door he walked calmly down the stairs and into the common room. Everyone was there, bar November. Sirius was there, tickling Lily with his right arm.

                _Shut up. _James forced himself not to dwell on Lily. Just on Sirius. Look past it all.

                Sirius looked up and saw James coming down the stairs. His grin faded and he said nothing.

                Instead it was Remus who broke the impending silence. He looked at James and said, "And where have you been?"

                "Probably doing things he shouldn't have been," grinned Peter. "You better not have been doing that on my bed again!"

                James ignored them both and sat down on an armchair, purposely looking straight at Sirius. He could feel that no one sensed the tension apart from Lily, who also had her eyes intently on James' target. Before anyone else realised James was taking longer than usual to defend himself, Sirius' face lit up out of worry and he grinned believably at Peter.

                "He'll never admit to that, especially not with a lady around." Lily blushed and laughed good-naturedly. Sirius looked squarely at James. "He'd never tell us, even though we all know it's true, would you Jamesie?"

                Resistance pulled at James' soul, forcing confliction through his brain. He got the hint. He didn't want to, but he had to get into Sirius' good books again. He wasn't sure how angry Sirius really was at him, or how angry or depressed he was about other things, but talking to him about it all in front of everyone definitely wasn't a good plan either way.

                So James just grinned like his friends would have expected and joked, "You're a one to talk Sirius. Remember when you were caught doing it in Potions lesson?"

                Everyone made a "eurghhhwww!!" noise, and Lily said, "In Potions? Seriously? Oh that's just wrong."

                Sirius said nothing but smiled wryly, faintly, at James. His eyes looked small and bloodshot, his hair looked uncared for and James thought he could see Sirius' left arm even shaking slightly. When James closed his eyes he could even swear he felt Sirius' heart racing, and tears echoing through the screams in his mind. James opened his eyes and looked to his friends, talking and laughing again.

                Why had no one noticed?

                                **

                James

                Lily

                Sirius

                Rose into the air like eagles destined to soar above everyone else.

                Each in a world of their own, their destinies linked in such a way they cannot know of it.

                In a battle between hearts, nothing else matters.

                They search deep within, but all they can do is fly.

**_                James' eyes didn't immediately click to the other chasers, but to his friend. Sirius caught his eye and James looked away, shamed. He hadn't spoken to Sirius since last night. He didn't know what to say. And he wasn't even sure if Sirius even wanted him to say anything. But no, James knew this was just him making excuses. He had to talk to him and to make him listen to what he wanted to say. Even if he had to use force._**

**_                His friend was depressed, and so far he had done nothing to try and help._**

**_                James looked at Lily. His heart yearned for her, and he laughed. How could he even be thinking of her at a time like this? How could he think of her at all? If she liked him, why would she have pulled away when he tried to kiss her… Shut up. Concentrate on the quaffle, concentrate._**

****

**Lily saw James look at her and laugh. She turned her back. Turn your back and walk away. That's all she'd ever had to do. James mocked her too? Along with everyone else. Lily was once again worthless. Alone in her little bubble. No one could get through to the Marauders. They were inseparable. But recently they had seemed more separate than ever before…**

**                So then Priscilla was wrong. James didn't like her. He'd barely spoken to her since yesterday, and him and Sirius were acting really weird the previous night. She thought she was probably the only one to notice, and desperately hoped it wasn't about her…**

**                Shut up Lily, she thought. You are too self-absorbed. You're not exactly anything special to be absorbed over. Shut up shut up shut up. Catch the quaffle, pass, fly.**

****

****_Sirius ran his hand down his broom adoringly. Firebolt 900, it was sleek and brown. The Marauders had bought it for him for his birthday the previous year. Sirius jolted up his head as 'Cilla yelled to him. Hitting a rogue bludger he sent it flying towards a Slytherin. But never saw if it hit her or not. He didn't care too much about winning. All he cared about was trying to make a bludger hitting him look like an accident._

They flew.

                That's all they had to do.

                No one even saw it coming.

                Screams of a whisper through their blind minds,

The poison of self-absorbed,  
                no one even heard the screams until Priscilla hit the ground.

                The poison of a self-absorbed Self.

                                **

Irrational thoughts whizzed through James' mind as he walked up and down impatiently outside the hospital wing. The Quidditch match had been a blur for him. He even thought he might have completely blanked out for a lot of it. His mind had been on other things. The most recent thing he remembered was Priscilla falling to the ground. And, of course, seeing the scoreboard that hosted the embarrassing "Hufflepuff 130-0 Gryffindor". James guessed Lily and Priscilla were feeling distracted that game too. But losing badly to Hufflepuff and then having to forfeit was not good.

                James kicked the wall with his foot, welcoming the well-deserved pain through his leg for thinking about anything other than his failure as captain.

                "I know you're angry at the wall right now James but kicking it really isn't going to solve anything," said Sirius, who sitting on the floor against the corridor wall, rubbing his face in his hands. He looked up at James. "Is she going to be ok?"

                "Of course she is." James slid down the wall opposite Sirius. "Of course she is…" he said quieter. "But that isn't the point. I can't believe I wasn't watching out for her…"

                Sirius shook his head. "No. That's my job. I'm the beater, not you. If a bludger gets near anyone it's my fault."

                "Julie has the same job, you know. You can't try and blame it all on yourself…"

                "Julie has been on the team for a year. I've been on it for four. It was my fault." Sirius set his head back against the wall and turned away from James, looking despaired. James decided now was not the best time to argue with him. … No, that was just another excuse.

                "I'm sorry Sirius."

                Sirius didn't say anything for a moment. When he did he spoke very quietly, sounding like a lost child. "Why? It's nothing to do with you."

                "Yes it does. Maybe not why you did it, but… I know I haven't been there much lately, and I've been a moron, just thinking about Lily all the time. I should have talked to you more. I should have seen something was wrong…I'm sorry."

                Sirius looked across at James. "And that makes it all ok, does it?" he said in the same lost voice. 

                Before James had a chance to answer (fortunately, as he had no idea what to say to his friend in the shame he felt) Lily came out smiling. "Pris is gonna be fine." There were several sighs of relief. "She's broken a few bones in her leg, but will be out and about in less than a week."

                James nodded. He stood up and put his hands in his pockets. "That was a weird match. I don't think I was quite…with it."

                Sirius stood as well. "I know what you mean. I should have been helping Julie with the bludgers, but I was just…it was like I was somewhere else.

                "I know, me too," Lily said. "I can't even remember being there. Maybe our minds were just on other things…" The three looked uncomfortable. Each locked in their own little world. "Did we even win?" she asked.

                After a moment James and Sirius both started laughing. "Yeah Lily, sure."

                "The end score was 130-0 to them," Sirius said with a grin.

                Lily laughed. "James, you better come up with some good tactics for the next match. That's the kind of score Ravenclaw get!"

                Sirius grinned. "Well, I better go. There's lots of last-minute homework to be done."

                "Uh, Padfoot? It's a Saturday."

                Sirius looked amazed. "So it is. Well then hooray for no homework!!"

                Lily rolled her eyes. "You know, you could just do it anyway."

                "I _could… _Or I could just sleep and eat like a pig, laughing at people all day." Sirius grinned. Then he turned to Lily. "Actually, I need to talk to you about something Lils... Meet me outside by the lake in – ten minutes?"

                Lily smiled. "Sure. See you then." James frowned. He was almost certain he had to spy on Sirius meeting Lily on his own, but then his rational mind came back to life. It was probably just something about homework and knowing Sirius he was too embarrassed to admit to it.

James realised Lily was looking at him and stared back. Suddenly he felt angry. Angry that she'd made him so distant from his best friend.

                "I just saw Sirius…is Priscilla ok?" James turned to see November looking straight past him to Lily. She looked really worried and for the first time James noticed the lines creased beside her eyes, and the way she bit her lip over and over again, pulling at it. He assumed this was how she looked when she was truly worried about someone. James realised he'd never seen November look this upset before.

                Lily smiled. "She's fine. Of course she is. All she did was fall from her broom – you've been through worse, right James?"

                James tore himself away to Lily and for a second was silent. "Yes, yes, right of course. Much worse." Lily raised an eyebrow at James, then turned to November and the two girls hugged.

                "Thank God," murmured November. She pulled away from Lily and smiled. "I knew she would be really. But I just wanted to…you know…check."

                Lily laughed. "Sure, Em. So did the rest of us." She smiled at James. "You coming?" James looked blank. "You know, to our common room…are you alright Potter? You look a bit fazed out…"

                "I'm fine. I just…you know, worried about Priscilla." Lily nodded, unsure.

                "Actually, James, there's something I wanted to talk to you about," said November, looking a little shifty. "I'll meet you back in the common room Lils?"

                "Sure. " Lily looked between the two of them and for a slight second James could have sworn she had frowned at them, but then the Lily smile reappeared and she flounced off, same old happy self.

                James turned to November. "So…what did you want to talk to me about, Em?"

                "Um..." November turned around. James wasn't sure what or who she was looking for, but when she turned back to him he saw she had been pleased with the result of only themselves being in the corridor. She smiled at him strangely. James opened his mouth to speak but she traced a delicate finger over his lips which made him shiver and lose all sense of words.

                November walked towards him and James stood stock still. "James…"

                "What did you want to talk to me about, Em?" James said a bit shakily, cutting her off.

                Em pressed her hands onto his shoulders and ran them down his arms. "I've been thinking about you a lot recently." James was silent. November went on. "About you, me, us…"

                "You realise that 'us' would be the same as 'you, me', right?" James added quietly.

                "So you admit it…that there's been something between us lately…"

                "What? I never-"

                November laughed. She was acting so completely out of character that James had to wonder what she was taking. He nearly asked her when she grabbed his arms and shoved him against the wall forcefully.

                James raised his eyebrows. "…Are we playing a game?" he asked slowly, swallowing hard.

                "If that's what turns you on," November teased. James opened his mouth to speak but November shook her head. "James, do me a favour? Shut up." And she kissed him.

                At first James felt shock, and froze. He let Em's hands run through his hair before he relaxed and let his hands wander over her back as he melted into her. All anxieties and worries he ever even imagined having melted away in this one kiss…

                He could feel November smile beneath his lips and he pressed himself into her even more. Suddenly he found himself thinking about Lily but dismissing her. November was beautiful, just as Lily was. Except November at least knew what she wanted.

                "James, I need your…"

                James broke away from November and looked up, terrified. There was Lily, standing but five feet away, looking absolutely horrified.

                November turned around and giggled a little. "Oh, how embarrassing," she said casually, not sounding at all shamed. "Well, I guess you had to find out about us sooner or later."

                Lily looked at James with her mouth open, and just before she spun away James caught a glimpse of a tear running down her cheek.

                James grabbed November's shoulders angrily and shook her hard. " _'Us'_??" he said , and ran away from her and after Lily.

                She had slowed to a quick walk, a few paces ahead of him. James caught her shoulder. "Lily, wait, you have to understand…"

                Lily turned round and slapped him hard.

                James creaked his jaw in pain and rubbed his cheek. He could feel a bruise and stared at Lily in shock. "Ok, I'm sorry for making out with your best friend but did you have to slap me?" Lily made to stalk away again but James grabbed her arm. She shook him off.

                "How could you? What about me??" she asked, tears running down her face.

                James' mouth dropped open. "What about you?!" he asked angrily. "You hate me! You didn't speak to me for a year!"

                "That doesn't mean…" Lily stopped abruptly, fear in her eyes. She changed pace. "Look, fine, you're right I have no reason to be mad. I hope you're happy with that whore."

                James stared after his love as she walked away from him, looking as lost as he felt.

The castle seemed completely empty, as James walked through it, oblivious to everyone who passed him in the crowded corridors. He walked outside and stood freezing in the cold for a while before he realised it was cold and sat down, shivering against himself in hope of warmth. It was early November, and the sky was starting to cloud over in grey shifts, sending an icy breeze against James' barely-covered arms. Ice poured into his mind, making thoughts about Lily and November become even sharper focused at the front of his brain; pain made him close his eyes.

                He couldn't even remember now what had possessed him to kiss November back. Maybe it was the way she smelled, or the way her hair fell around her, enticing James to run his hands through it, or perhaps the comfort and happiness he just felt, knowing someone wanted him, the way he wanted Lily…

                Lily.

                Oh, Lily…

                James could spend several eternities following Lily Evans around, studying her, caring for her, loving her…but he didn't think he would ever _understand _her.

                So maybe instead he would have to make her understand him. A step closer at least to finding out what was really going on in his love's mind.

                James stood up, hugging himself tightly. He walked back inside and slammed the large doors shut. He leaned against them for a moment, eyes shut, arms wrapped protectively around himself. James set his jaw straight and physically shook himself, as if the action would throw away any thoughts of November or of nervousness of a teenager ready to pour his heart out.

                It was the only thing he could do.

                If he wanted Lily to talk to him ever again…

                He had to tell Lily he loved her.

***

A/N: MWAHAHAHAHAHA. …I say that, and you don't know why, BUT YOU WILL. And this was *so* not where I was going to end the chapter, but I got bored, and I daresay you got bored of waiting as well, so you'll have to make do. Review if you love me, and review if you don't – I'm desperate for any kind of feedback here; I feel like I've lost what this story is. So if you could tell me TRUTHFULLY if you like it or not, THAT'D BE GREAT. Love you all –RowanX

(PS, Matrix lovers! I HAVE A STORY FOR YOU. In my favourite authors, Dudette2004 has a great story and I love her to bits and go read cause it really is good, and its short but it will get longer as she writes it I'm sure :P lol. 

Next:

Pirates of the Carribean(sp?) lovers! (Aren't I a great advertiser, lol.) My darling friend Zoe (shes so lovely) who on here is like zigzag, again in my favourite authors, her potc story is the only one I read, and it is really good, so GO READ IT. The next chapter's gonna be up soon, she just has to send it to me so I can put it up (her computer's crud.)

Anyway, you don't wanna know any of this. You just want to review to tell me how wonderful I am. But after you've done that, if you love me, go and read these stories because because BECAUSE – because of the wonderful things he does!!

xx


	8. Part 1: To Cry For Love

**"Everybody Hurts"**

**Rowan Arkenson**

**Summary: **Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems...

**Disclaimers:** I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine. And the bold in three sections comes from an Avril Lavigne song called "Take Me Away".

**A/N: **Not going to reply to reviews from now on because, well, I'm lazy. But if there's anything you want me to answer to, say so in your review and I will. Also, you may have noticed the chapters getting shorter. This isn't just necessarily because I'm lazy and shit, but because I like short chapters when they're necessary, and I didn't really want to put the next bit into this chapter. Maybe the next chapter will be longer, but now that my computer's fixed, I'll try and start the next one as soon as I can. –rowanx

**Chapter Eight – To cry for love**

---

****

****

_Setting off down the corridor by the hospital wing was easy. He just put one foot in front of the other, and walked; simple. He was just returning to his own common room. Perfectly normal: easy. _

Crying to and for himself. It felt like a hurt that had lasted for eternities. It felt alone, it felt scary, and he felt completely lost. How had he let this happen?

_He reached the portrait and said the password clearly and confidently. He could feel the heat of a thousand suns shining down on him, and grinned stupidly, feeling drunk. He was going to tell Lily Evans that he loved her. Finally. It would all be over._

Rocking back and forth, the only thing he knew to do when nothing else came to him, he was in the cold, and shivering, but he didn't notice. He squeezed his eyes shut, thinking it would stop the pain, or at least the tears – but even more came pouring out, screaming about his broken heart.

---

**_All the pain I thought I knew  
_****All**** my thoughts lead back to you**

---

_Walking into the common room, James immediately set his eyes towards his friends. Remus and Peter were stood close together, talking with worried expressions. James would tell them later that Priscilla was ok. First he had to find Lily. He could see a crowd gathered over by the fireplace._

James could recall the scent of November coming close to him as he'd stood in Gryffindor common room. He could remember the quiet yelling, the tears in her eyes that made him feel weak with guilt. He could remember trying to comfort her, apologising for kissing her back when he shouldn't have. Shivering in the dark, he could remember seeing Lily across the room.

_"I love you James," November said despairingly, as she followed James' gaze across the room. "She doesn't! When are you going to realise this and move on?! Everyone knows she likes that other idiot now anyway. But fine, if you want to be in pain and love someone who's never ever going to love you back, just carry on pretending I don't exist!"_

_November stalked off up to her dormitory, and James furrowed his eyebrows. Other idiot?_

_He looked across the common room again and saw the crowd. He saw Remus and Peter walking quickly towards him. He saw Lily emerge from the crowd. He saw Sirius do the same. He saw Sirius kiss Lily on the lips and hold her hand. He saw Lily grin._

---

**_Back to what was never said  
_****Back and forth inside my head**

---

Sitting out in the cold, James leaned back against a tree. The tears had stopped. None had come for a while now. Not since the moon had risen. Clear and bright.

James felt stupid. She was only a girl. There were worse things. She wasn't his to cry over.

But he knew she was his to die for. And Sirius had taken that from him…

Why?

_---_

_**I can't handle this confusion**_

******I'm unable; come and take me away**

****

******---**


	9. Part 2: To Fight For Love

**"Everybody Hurts"**

**Rowan Arkenson**

**Summary: **Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems...

**Disclaimers:** I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine.

**A/N: **Well look at me with my quickness. But only cause chapters 8, 9 and 10 are kinda just three parts of one chapter, but I wanted to split it into three. See? And I love you all so much! Why are you so nice to me? I don't deserve such great reviews, I really don't. But hey, it's fun to be loved, I'm not gonna complain! :D And I better get cookies for updating this quicker than usual! Love and huggles, -rowanx

**Chapter Nine – Part Two: To Fight For Love**

****

"James?" Remus shook his friend's shoulder, hard. "James, wake up."

                James opened his eyes, shivering. He could feel the cold deep inside him, and curled up to himself for warmth.

                "Have you been out here all night?" James didn't say anything.

Remus helped James up delicately and walked with him to the castle. As soon as the pair got inside the front doors, James stumbled into the warmth, a prick of shock jolting into his body. He hadn't realised how cold he was until he felt how warm he could feel.

"Are you sure you don't want me to take you to the hospital wing?" said Remus with a frown.

"No, I'm – fine," mumbled James hoarsely. He glanced sideways at his friend as they walked up the stairs. Remus was looking straight ahead; a closed expression James couldn't read. "So I suppose you know then," James said quietly, concentrating all his efforts on walking up the steps without tripping.

Remus was quiet for a moment. "It wasn't me who – "

"I know."

Another pause. "I don't know why he would…"

"I hadn't thought you would."

The awkward conversation between the two obliterated as they reached the portrait hole. James' insides crumbled. He couldn't face them. Lily was still angry with him, of course she was, though he still didn't fully understand why. Maybe this was just her way of getting back at him. So then what was Sirius' excuse? They'd been best friends for years. Longer than James had been friends with Moony or Wormtail for. Then James had a sickening thought. Maybe Sirius was just trying to get back at him too…for not noticing, not being there to…to notice.

"Prongs?" James looked up. Remus was standing at the open portrait hole, waiting for him. "Maybe we should just go down to breakfast, or to the library, or…"

James smiled. "Just because…things have happened, it doesn't mean I'm gonna want to go to the library anymore Moony." His smile vanished. "I'm fine. Why should this effect me in anyway. If he wants her, he can have her. I'm done."

James stalked passed Remus, almost convincing himself by the words. He wouldn't be effected. He wouldn't let either of them think they'd hurt him in anyway.

The common room was alive with the buzz of Gryffindors just woken up and too early for breakfast. Sirius and Lily were sitting together in the corner of the room. James stopped. She was sitting on his lap. Hands locked. Faces laughing. Lips, so close…

Tears pricking at James' eyes, he walked in the opposite direction towards a table. He sat down, breathing heavily; he could feel Remus standing close behind. They were all just waiting for James to break down. He could sense everyone in the common room staring at him, whispering, laughing, could see Lily and Sirius in his head, being intimate together, mocking him, could picture Remus and Peter standing, laughing at James' own stupidity…

"Moony, how about a game of chess?" James reached out his hand and conjured his chess board towards him, without opening his eyes. He could hear gasps and ducks as the board soared through the air from his luckily open dormitory. It smacked into his hands, and he ignored the pain, setting it down in front of hm.

When James opened his eyes, and Remus was sitting in front of his obediently, staring intently at the chess board, same as James, as if he too was longing to stare at the couple in wonder. And anger.

James looked around. No one was laughing at him. No one was whispering. No one was even looking. _It's good to be loved_, James thought with a smile.

"I'm black, you're white?" James said.

"Hmm?" Remus looked up. "Oh, yes, yes, same as usual."

They started playing. Just a quick game. Breakfast was soon. James knew Remus was letting him win. He didn't care. They were kissing now. Slowly, gently, carelessly. They were kissing, and James wanted to scream.

Suddenly James stood up, knocking the table and bringing some chess pieces down. Remus stood up too. "Breakfast?"

"Sure." James walked out of the common room hurriedly, ignoring them. He would just have to ignore them. Ignore everything – block it out.

"Where's Peter?" James asked casually but quietly and they headed towards the Great Hall.

"Prongs, maybe we should talk about this with him…"

"Did he go down to breakfast?"

"I could talk to him for you…"

"Shut up." James could feel anger rising inside. "Shut, up, Remus. Just, just shut up. Ok?"

Remus looked shocked, but nodded slowly and walked inside the hall. James saw Peter sitting by himself, reading the Daily Prophet. He looked up as the two walked towards him and smiled nervously.

                Prongs and Moony sat down opposite Peter. There was a small silence. Peter said, "So, um, have you seen Padfoot this mor…" Peter stopped and winced as Remus kicked him under the table. James stared hard at the plate of toast. He didn't eat anything, but waited patiently as the others ate, noisily, hungrily.

                Finally Sirius came into the hall, grinning loudly. James squeezed his eyes tight shut, and when he opened them stared only at his plate. Sirius sat down next to Peter. "Gooood morning, and what a beautiful one it is I might add."

                No one said anything. "Well what's up with you three this morning? You should all be haaaaaaaaappy – "

                "Sirius what the fuck do you think you're playing at?" Moony said suddenly, using his best friend's real name and surprising James.

                Sirius frowned. "What?" he said with a voice covered in such sickly innocence, James wanted to throw up.

                "Um, I think he's talking about Lily, Padfoot," Peter said quietly.

                "What? I haven't done anything wrong?" Sirius frowned. "What you mean the James thing? Prongs, look mate, you weren't going for her, and you never said anyone else could –"

                "He shouldn't have to _say_ that Lily's off limits Sirius!" Remus yelled. A few people looked up so he lowered his voice. "You don't even like her."

                "How do you know that? How do you know anything about me anymore? It's all about James and Lily James and Lily – no one else gets a say in anymore."

                Peter looked up from his shyness. "That's not fair."

                Sirius stopped, "Ok, so maybe that's not exactly the truth, but he doesn't care anyway right? All this time he's been going on about needing to get over her –"

                "And that gives you the right to her?" said Remus angrily.

                "Well she didn't want him at any rate!"

                James was still staring at the table intensely, ignoring the raging battle above him as he collected his thoughts together and tried really hard to concentrate on not punching Sirius.

                Sirius turned towards James. "Look, mate, you don't mind right? I mean, I like her too you know…and you weren't going for – "

                James stood up and walked out of the hall.

Staring intensely into the fires, James was sat at an armchair, looking as though he were half asleep, but refused to be. Sirius walked over to James slowly. By now, a whole ten hours after that morning's conflict, the totality of the common room had heard of the best friends' existing tension, but no one knew why it was there, and everyone fell unnoticeably quiet, trying to sneakily eavesdrop on the pair.

                "Prongs? Mate? Can we talk?"

                "…Where's Lily?" James said spitefully, without looking up.

"She's seeing Priscilla. Who's getting a lot better by the way." There was no spite or bitterness in Sirius' voice. "Can we talk?" he said again.

James didn't answer. His hands gripped the armchair, hard. Sirius saw this, and sunk backwards into a chair. "Listen, I'm not going to apologise for going out with Lily. This is stupid. We like each other Prongs. Can't you just accept this? You're being childish."

                "You don't like her," James said quietly, rage and hurt all entwining inside him. Confusion was bottling his brain, smashing glass inside an eternity of friendship.

                "What? How do you know? Yes I do, James. I…"

                "Why are you doing this to me?"

                Sirius looked as if James had just slapped him. "Bloody hell, Prongs. I'm not doing this deliberately. Not everything's about you, surprisingly."

                James closed his eyes, breathing in and out. Always remembering to just breathe. "Why…" he repeated, but failed to get the rest out.

                "James – I want her same reason you do…"

                A laugh. "No you didn't." James turned towards Sirius. "You want her because you've already had everyone else. I want her because – because there _is _no one else you fucking son of a bitch." James lost concentration, and forgot to try anymore. He punched Sirius, hard in the chest.

                Padfoot went flying off the small chair, and landed on his back. He didn't have time to look confused, because James knelt on top of him, punching him once in the face. Sirius managed to reach his wand, and James fell back a little. But after the moment's hesitation, James grabbed Sirius' hand and the two scrappled for it, finally knocking it a few metres away. Sirius turned James over and stood, kicking him in the ribs. But from below Sirius' feet were pulled under him and James managed to scramble to the advantage again, repeatedly hitting Sirius in the face.

                Eventually, someone yelled at them to stop. A fifth year called for Remus and Peter to come down. Remus hurried down the stairs, and lunged forward, pulling James up and off of Sirius. Peter gasped as he stumbled down into the common room besides his friends. He'd never seen Prongs and Padfoot looking so murderous before. James shrugged Remus off and glared at Padfoot, down on the floor.

                Sirius slowly stood up, looking bruised and weak, and started walking towards James. Remus stood by helplessly, but ready for another fight. Sirius looked deadly: eyes glaring, head down. "You fucking little shit," he said, talking as he might to a Slytherin, but never to a best friend. Everyone was stood as if in a trance, watching this horrific life-changing piece of still life exist, just for a moment, the heat and anger drifting dangerously between the best friends.

                James lunged for Sirius again, so quick even a bolt of lightning couldn't have struck between the fight. Remus didn't have time to react, as James pushed Sirius up against a wall, punching him again and again.

                Suddenly James stopped. He couldn't have said at the time what made him stop just then, but afterwards he knew it was the Deja Vue that made him hesitate. Pricks at the back of his mind, which warned him of the stillness in the room. Stepping back, he knew Lily was standing behind him before he even turned round.

                Sirius dropped to his knees, coughing bitterly, hand to his throat. Lily flew to his side, touching and caressing his shoulders so gently it made James feel weaker than Sirius did.

                And then Lily looked up, black eyes never to match his own, disgust never to match his desperate love. And then she said, "You haven't changed," with what sounded like hurt from her own voice. And then she gently helped Sirius to his feet, walking him out of the common room. And then he was walked into his dormitory, away from accusing eyes. And then he fell against the door, and broke into a thousand sharp pieces. To fight for love, to cry for death.


	10. Part 3: To Die, In Love

**"Everybody Hurts"**

**Rowan Arkenson**

**Summary: **Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems...

**Disclaimers:** I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine.

**A/N: **Hopefully this will be a long chapter, lol, because I have lots of stuffs happening. Yay. By the way, people who are still reviewing, thank you for still reviewing! Just because I'm not writing this quickly doesn't mean I'm not writing it at all!! Oh, and by the way, if you're worried about this chapter's title, then, well, you should be. :P -rowanx

**Chapter Ten – Part Three: To Die, In Love**

****

"Are you sure you're alright?" Remus said, leaning forward.

                Priscilla laughed. "Yes! I'm fine ok? Pomfrey said I'll be fine and back to lessons tomorrow. Other than that my legs ache a little, but I'm fine." She smiled. "It was nice of you all to come and see me though! I'm so _bored _and I've only been in here a few days. Have I missed anything?!" James gulped and looked away. Peter shifted uneasily in his chair with a little squeak and Remus smiled heavily.

                "Well, we got a huge essay from Kiel out the misuse of the Dragon's Potion we learned about last month," Remus said with a grin.

                Priscilla groaned. "Oh great. I'm so glad to be getting better then." Peter and Remus laughed. James dropped to his feet from the side table and stood with his hands in his pockets, leaning against it.

                "Sirius and Lily are going out," he said calmly.

                Priscilla's face lit up. "Oh that's fantastic! Sirius and…" she stopped. The light from her face emptied as she said "…Lily… _Oh_," she added quietly. She stared at James. "Oh…" she said again.

                "Yep, lucky them," Remus said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

                As Priscilla stared at James he knew that she had guessed he liked Lily ages ago, just like the Marauders had said she had. Just like they had told him everyone had known; apart from him and her, that is.

                "And…you're ok with that, James?" Priscilla asked him with an eyebrow raised.

                "Nope," said Remus, leaning back in his chair and looking at James with a small smirk, a hint of both admiration _and _worry in his face. "He beat the crap out of Sirius."

                Priscilla gasped. "Oh James you didn't!"

                James shrugged. "No teachers found out if that's what you're worried about."

                "Sirius hit you too, James," said Peter, pointedly. "'Cept you have a spell that cleared that up and he doesn't. I think he told the teachers he walked into several doors in quick succession," Peter added to Priscilla.

                James sat back on the table, staring at the wall next to him.

                There was a short silence. Then Priscilla groaned again and turned to Remus. "So how long is this essay?" she whined.

                He grinned. "…Lonnnnnng."

                Peter laughed and James just sat in silence, willing away the hours; wondering how long he would have to ignore it for…

Going to class was fun. Over the next week James was lucky enough to see Sirius in every single lesson he went to because, funnily enough, as best friends for 17 years they were very alike, and had chosen all of the same subjects. Each time they saw each other James wanted to kill himself. Or kill Sirius. He didn't know anymore. They met outside a History of Magic lesson, Sirius with Remus, and James with Peter. The two had just stared at each other, and then had lunged forward quickly and Remus had stepped between them, pushing James back and Peter dragging Sirius into the classroom.  James had felt shaky. He didn't want to start on Sirius again. He just thought that if he didn't feel angry, he would feel miserable instead; and he didn't want to feel like that anymore. At least with his anger he had someone to take it out on. But wallowing in his own misery was his own fault. He wished he could explain this to Sirius, but then remembered that it was Sirius' fault in the first place. He hated missing his best friend.

                Now not only was James without his Lily, he was without Sirius as well. And _they_ were with each other. It was horrible. Every time James saw them together, and they were together for half his lessons and most of the evenings in his presence, she was on his lap, or they were hugging into each other, kissing, right in front of him, as if on purpose. James even wondered occasionally if they were in this together and were intentionally seeking out to get back at him. This thought of course only lead to more hatred – his own…

                "Maybe if I hadn't just been ignoring them both loads this wouldn't have happened," James was saying aloud to Remus.

                "No way, this can't be your fault mate," Remus replied angrily, standing up and walking over to the fireplace. "I just can't believe Sirius. He never even said anything about…" At that moment Padfoot himself and his lovely lady walked into the common room. James turned away, refusing to look, refusing to watch them like he had forced himself to watch them, almost obsessively, for one week now. How much longer would he be forced to watch them for…

                "Night Sirius," said Lily. James could practically feel her turn away from Padfoot, her breathing moving from behind his chair across the room to her dorm. "Goodnight Remus," she said pointedly.

                "Huh! How mature…" James muttered, standing to face Remus.

                There was a stillness in the air as James prepared himself not to attack Sirius, Remus prepared himself to _stop _the attack, and Sirius stood looking purposeful.

                "Prongs, can we…"

                "I think I'm gonna go to bed," James said loudly. "Lots of homework to do tomorrow, I still haven't finished that Potions essay yet…"

                Remus laughed uneasily, shortly. "Even with that extensions Kiel gave you that was almost a week's worth of detention?"

                Sirius frowned and walked forward. "Look you can't just ignore me forever Pr…"

                "No, I haven't. Can't think why but I've just felt too distracted lately. Can't seem to do anything," James said, feeling immature himself now. He walked towards the dormitory stairs, but Sirius was there, blocking his path. James looked away. "Get out of my way," he said, avoiding Sirius' gaze.

                "James at least fucking look at me!" Sirius said suddenly, surprising James and Remus. James walked a bit away. "Ok, fine," said Sirius angrily. "Moony then, maybe_ you _can talk to this drama queen for me?"

                But Remus shook his head. "No, Sirius, I'm not getting involved here."

                "What do you mean you're not getting involved, you've already chosen sides!" yelled a furious Sirius. "Any time you even _speak _to me anymore it's about how you want me to think about what I've done, asking me why I did it. Yeah, thanks for hearing me out, both of you."

                James paused. "Fine," he said, "Then explain. Fucking try to explain this." He still wouldn't meet his best friend's eyes.

                Sirius hesitated. "Ok," he said. "Ok…well, what do you want to know?"

                "I don't know! You're the one who wants a chance to redeem himself! Why don't you tell me what I want to hear!"

                "Ok then. Lily loves you, not me, I never had any feelings for her and I love you James, I'll never do anything ever to annoy _you _because it's always _you _we have to look after and protect!" Sirius shouted, moving closer to James and sitting down in a wooden chair.

                Remus was standing nearby, looking anxious, but James simply replied, "Since when have I ever said it all had to be about me, Sirius?" Padfoot opened his mouth, but James cut across him. "No, just because you've been having a shit time at home and refusing to let us even talk to you about it, and just because I don't ignore my friends trying to help me, not entirely anyway, does _not _make me want it to 'all be about me'."

                "Yeah? What about as soon as that…stuff," Sirius said simply, painfully, "happened with me, you had to start going on about your own heaven-sent parents. You can't stand someone else being in the lime light."

                "Is this why you're going out with her?!" James said incredulously, staring at the wall and kicking it. "To pay me back for all these things you're accusing me of? 'Cause if you are then that's just really shit of you, Black."

                Sirius fell silent at the change of his name, but tried not to falter. "No, of course it isn't." He paused, watching James intently for any sign of recognition that James noted Sirius even existed. James refused to change the expression on his face. "I really like Lily, she's really nice. She's beautiful. She's…she's perfect, James."

                "You're telling_ me _this now?" James said, rubbing his head for want of a better thing to do, feeling helpless.

                "Yes! I am! I like her as well as you! You'll just have to deal with this! If it had been someone else going out with her now, you wouldn't hate them all of a sudden would you?"

                "But you're my _friend…_" James said, breaking half-way through the sentence with such anguish that he couldn't stop a tear from escaping his eyes. He turned away as they filled up. He breathed in and then turned around, sharply, staring for the first time straight at Sirius. Sirius stood up in shock, almost defensively. "If she liked me, and had asked me out, I would have said yes," said James heavily. "But if I had known you liked her too, I would have backed off. You know I would have," he added at the look of protest from Sirius' face. "Just because you like her too, doesn't justify… You don't even know what love feels like, you have a new one every week!"

                Sirius sighed, and moved forward cautiously. Remus moved with him. "James, I know what this must seem like, but out of everyone I've ever gone out with, she's the first one I've felt this way about..."

                James shook his head. "No, no she isn't. The only reason you want her is because you've already had everyone else. I want her because for me, there is no one else, you son of a bitch. Whatever you imagine I've done to you, you were still always my best friend. I would never do this to you. Why the hell… Why are you even going out…" he asked for the thousandth time, still not understanding any of it. He stared at Sirius intensely, wanting nothing more than to hurt him.

                "James, I asked her out, but I wouldn't have if…"

                "Maybe I don't care why you fucking asked her out!" James erupted suddenly, making Sirius jump. "Maybe I don't care why she said yes! Maybe I don't even care that she _said _yes! Maybe I don't care that we're no longer friends!" Sirius melted backwards. "Maybe I don't care about fucking you, or fucking her!" he turned to walk out of the common room but as he reached his stairs he saw Lily at the foot of them, shock and confusion filling her face.

James stepped backwards quickly, and looked away from her. He ran his hands through his hair.

"Lily…" Sirius said, fake-happy, looking awkward.

"Why are you two fighting about this?" Lily said desperately. "I don't understand…" James knew she was talking directly at him, even though she was looking to Sirius, but he didn't answer. He couldn't answer. What would he say?

"I'm sorry Sirius," Lily said quietly. "But I can't stand this. I don't want to be with you when you're fighting with James all the time."

Sirius looked panicky. "But, Lily…"

Lily walked over to him and kissed him on the cheek. There were tears on her cheeks. "I really like you Sirius, but I can't take it. I'm too confused about…about everything..." She backed away, "I'm really sorry…" and ran out of the common room. James stared at Sirius, then looked away and walked out of the common room to his dormitory, letting the door shut softly behind him.

James didn't sleep that night. Sirius hadn't come to the dormitory, so James had assumed that he wasn't sleeping either. Neither was Remus, tossing and turning and eventually staring up at his bed top. Peter was sleeping occasionally, after having heard the story whispered from Remus' bed, and not having the full experience of hearing so many hearts breaking in the same room.

                All awake, but none of them spoke; nothing worth saying.

                Feeling his throat raspy and sore after his argument with Sirius, James put a hand to his throat and rubbed it, as though that would help at all. He had never before shouted so much at his best friend. It broke his soul to hate and yet miss Sirius more than he ever thought possible.

                Of course James wondered that night if Lily breaking up with Sirius had anything to do with him; and he couldn't ignore the fact that _of course _it did. She clearly said so. She couldn't stand them fighting. What wasn't said that really, she couldn't stand them fighting over _her_. James crinkled his eyebrows. So what did that mean? Did she like him? No, she told Sirius she was confused, not in love with someone else…unless she was confused about how she _felt_ for someone else – James?

                Thoughts blowing a tornado around his head, James stayed awake watching the sun rise, and he gently arose, seeing Peter already up and Remus rubbing his forehead. It was early, but none of them were going to get more sleep.

                The Marauders had never been more divided and less aware of how to solve a division before. James sighed heavily as he put on his robes.

During the next day no one saw Sirius at all. Remus said he was probably out in the grounds, thinking or working on homework. But James knew that if Sirius was anything like himself, he'd have way too much to think about without remembering or calculating anything.

                On Monday during lessons James watched Sirius more intently than he ever had done, and if he was staring in a kind and worried nature, he may have noticed the creases under Sirius' eyes, the set resolve in those eyes that barely moved from their position staring straight forward, the words that didn't come out of his mouth, not to one person, and that one, repetitive, slow movement of Sirius' monotonous day: a scratching movement, back and fourth, over the sleeves of his arm, as he didn't listen to the teachings given to him. James didn't notice; he didn't care enough to notice, didn't care enough to realise that he did still care, didn't notice enough to realise he wanted to notice, wanted to help and care and act.

                Stuck in a loop, he couldn't have stopped the inevitable even if he _had_ noticed enough to act.

                James stuck to Remus most of the day as his shelter; Remus and Peter sitting between the two during double Potions, James and Sirius sitting at opposite ends of the greenhouse during Herbology, manging to work without talking when they were unfortunately paired up in DADA, purposefully chosing completely different animals to study in Care of Magical Creatures, and managing not to work in Transfiguration while they were forced to sit by the other but turned in the opposite direction for the entirety of the lesson.

                James wondered if Sirius had been right with what he had said on Saturday night. With Remus immediately taking James' side? James looked at Remus as they headed back to the common room to do some catch-up homework before dinner. Remus looked worse than James felt. He had never thought before that catching Moony up in all this was really bad. Someone needed to be over with Sirius; _at least, to tell him how wrong he was,_ James thought quickly.

                "Moony, you alright?"

                Remus looked up. He grinned. "Sure why not," he said in a happy, Remus-like way.

                James frowned. "Yeah right." Remus' grin faded. "You always get it out of _me_ when I'm down; tell me. What's wrong?"

                "Well, I just…it's just, Padfoot is…I don't know. Everything all seems so shitty that's all."

                James nodded. "Yeah. I know…"

                "No, it's not just that." Remus stop walking, and James followed suit. "Everything all seems so shit, and… When was the last time you looked at your calendar Prongs?" James frowned for a moment, and then remembered.

                "Full moon," he said, understanding. Remus looked glum. "Don't worry; I promise me and Sirius won't kill each other while you're off. In fact, I could come with you? Be Prongs for a few nights." James grinned, but Remus shook his head.

                "No. Hopefully with me gone you and Sirius might decide to be a little more mature!" Remus grinned and walked ahead, leaving James to trail behind him, deep in thought.

Sirius wasn't at dinner that night, nor was he at the emergency quidditch practice that evening. Not that James could blame him. He didn't want to go either; not just because Lily was going to be there, but he also had so much homework to get through he couldn't imagine ever having time to sleep_ ever_ again.

                The practice went ok, despite the loss of one beater, the lack of concentration from two chasers, and the overshadowing ever-present reminder that they had a quidditch match in two Saturdays' time, and, due to James' hectic life and forgetfulness, they had barely practiced for ages.

                So James was proud of his team as they dove down from the cold wind and landed on the sharp grass, walking in towards warmth and comfort.

                "Remember, Ravenclaw have two new chasers this year, two 5th years called Grace and Penelope. They're sisters, and I've seen them – they look healthy and confident, so we better watch out for them in the match. Arthur and Priscilla especially – watch out to keep those goals covered and Priscilla, you and Sirius have my permission to be as brutal as you can towards these cute little 5th years!" Everyone grinned confidently and Anne laughed, the whole team feeling inspired and confident about the coming match; everyone feeling a thousand times more so than James, who waited until everyone had changed and left, before going back outside to the now raining dark grey skies above him.

                On his broom, James realised that there was once a time when in the cooling breeze, all he could think about was Lily. Now all he was thinking about was Sirius… Maybe he _should _talk to him…

                James nearly fell off his broom in anger as he cried pathetically for the hatred he held to himself. Hating Sirius and not even trying to let go of the hatred. Wanting to forgive Sirius and be his friend again, but never wanting to see the traitor again.

                _All he's fucking done is _love _someone. Where's the harm in that?_

**The harm was to you. He didn't care about that did he?**

James' inner voices argued all the way up to the castle until he thought he would faint with exhaustion. James decided he had to talk to Sirius; whether it was to yell more or to apologise and forgive – he just couldn't stand thinking about this all the time. It was getting ridiculous.

                Peter was in the common room talking to Priscilla.

                James smiled. "How was practice tonight for you?" he asked kindly, kissing her on the cheek.

                "Fine," she said grinning. "My leg doesn't hurt at all now." Suddenly she looked worried. "Did _you _think we were ok? I mean, with all the missed practices lately, and…well…with you and Sirius being all – not talking – do you think we'll be ready??"

                James managed a laugh. "Of course we will be! We're Gryffindor, the unbeatables!!"

                "Apart from, of course, when you get beaten," Peter said, and Priscilla laughed. James walked away and they returned to their previous conversation; something to do with plants that James held no interest in whatsoever.

                From the otherwise empty common room James had concluded Sirius may be in the dormitory. He opened the door and looked around at the darkened room. No one was around. James felt almost disappointed. But no, why should _he _make the extra effort to find Sirius? He'd talk to him in the morning.

                James walked in, closed the door behind him, and froze. After a moment of racing heartbeats he turned slowly back around to stare at the space between Sirius and Remus' beds. There was no bedside table, as both bed's tables were round the other side of them. James stared hard in the tricking half-light from the open-windowed moonshine. There was a shadow slumped against the wall, looking as though curled into itself. James jumped, but then realised that whoever it was, they weren't going to move.

                After standing there for ten minutes, becoming more and more afraid of turning the light on, becoming more and more aware of who was sitting there, James turned the light on, and ran to Sirius' side.

                "Sirius? Sirius! Wake up Sirius, that isn't even _funny_," James said desperately, shaking his friend's shoulders. James stared shaking at the knife in Sirius' hands, the deep, long cuts on both his arms, the cuts on his leg, a trouser-leg rolled up for the specific purpose, the blood leaking through every inch of Sirius' hacked-at body, the blood seeping onto James' hands as he shook harder and harder, barely even aware of falling right down and clutching Sirius to him, hugging him hard and yelling his name, being covered with blood of the Blacks, not even aware of saying, "I'm sorry Sirius, I'm sorry! It's all my fault, I didn't notice, you were right, I didn't notice, just don't go, don't die…", crying his friend's name over and over again until he heard a door open, and felt Sirius being prized from his arms as he fell into unconsciousness, hearing an empty scream yell inside his broken soul…


	11. Embrace The Discomfort of Being Alone

**"Everybody Hurts"**

**Rowan Arkenson**

**Summary: **Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems...

**Disclaimers:** I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine.

**More Disclaimers: **One part of this was taken from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the title is in a song by a band called Will Haven. I won't say what part of the chapter is Buffy-stolen though, just don't sue me if it comes up, you see.

**A/N: **I have but a few important things to say. 1.) Yes this chapter _is _short but for good reason. It's not a staller, I have plenty more to say as day by day my writer's block is slowly vanishing. (ps, after writing the chapter it isn't actually that long, but it's still not a staller, SO THERE.) 2.) Yes this chapter _is _meant to be confusing. Enjoy working each bit out. I did. 3.) Read. And I apologise now if the first bit is painful. I haven't written it yet, but I should imagine it will be. 4.) YYYeah there's a quite horrible bit in here but I think it's ok. Made me cringe and hate myself for writing it and it made Emma cry, but you'll live through it I feel. 5.) I PROMISE THAT CHAPTERS WILL TRY AND LIGHTEN THEMSELVES UP A BIT. It's been a bit heavy recently, I know…and I apologise. But hey, you knew this was angst getting into it.

Please review, and don't hate me for what you read. I love you all. And I love Sirius. Bloody hell it sucks. WHAT AM I DOING TO THEM ALL?!?!?!?! :'( I really did almost start crying writing this chapter, and I think I did cry in the last one! Harsh, it's harsh…anyway, I'm going to stop trying to excuse myself for my actions right now and let you go ahead and REEAD. -rowanx

**Chapter Eleven – Embrace The Discomfort of Being Alone**

****

**--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

_Sirius looked down at his arm, feeling the hunger to scratch into it, to cause the pain that made every other pain feel so much better._

_It was almost light. He stood up with his aching hands in his pockets, and gazed up at the sky, taking in every slow and deep breath he could of the first airs of Monday morning. He stared at the faraway hills in awe until the sun finally crept over them, creeping back behind clouds on the cold November morning._

_It was now November the 19th. A Monday morning, the most beautiful of Sirius' life. But he didn't think on it. He didn't acknowledge anything more as he flew away from the forest-covered hill top he had been sitting on, where he'd thought about far too much for far too long._

_Flying through the breeze, he gulped in more deep breaths, letting himself appreciate the peaceful, still setting around him. He flew down to the lake, taking his broom right under and up again quickly. Grinning and shaking with the fresh feel of freezing water drops clinging to his robes, he flew towards the sun, wondering if he could catch up to it that evening._

_He flew down to the Hogwarts grounds. He shivered as he landed, and dropped his broomstick on the ground, leaving it there, uncaring. Why would it even matter. That was the last time he would ever fly. But he didn't think on it._

_Lessons were as he expected them to be. Filled with the longing of the day to end, he spent most of them listening as much as he could, learning everything he could possibly learn, without having to move or speak to anyone. He itched his arm, scratching at it thoroughly, counting away sheep through his brain so that he wouldn't have to think about worse matters._

_He could sense James staring at him in Potions, and indeed in most of their lessons; though he ignored it. James would only be staring at him to try and find creative inspiration into how he could yell him further. Sirius scorned at this, and turned his tears into angry contempt. James would no longer have to endure him. Nor would Lily any longer have to pretend to like him._

_Sirius smiled. None of them would have to put up with the trouble he always seemed to cause anymore. And his parents would have a field day; no more silly contracts and paper work to fill out about publicly deciding they didn't like him._

_Lucky them.___

_And Sirius would no longer have to hate himself. Have to hate James and not understand why, and hate Lily for confusing him and situations which could have been simple had Sirius been allowed to explain._

_Now they would never know._

**_Let them live a life knowing they didn't care I left, _**_Sirius thought bitterly. **I'd want to hate me too, if I were them. I can hate me without even being them, so it couldn't be too hard.**_

****

_Finally dinner came._

_Sirius walked past the mob of children rushing to fatten themselves._

_He walked past the blind blood-covered and eager Gryffindors making their way to compete in harsh, pointless training._

_He walked past the teachers moaning about a job that enabled them to teach ungrateful little snobs how to kill people and show off that the rules of the world don't and won't always make sense._

_Sirius thought all this sourly, knowing that he'd prefer to feel hate than any of the other emotions he had the choice to feel._

_He walked into the common room. Empty and red, all reminding him of his secret pleasure; alone, with nothing but the blood, no one there to stop him… _

_Reaching into the fireplace with his wand, he set it alight and felt it tickle hot at his forearm. Scrunching up his face, he endured the pain, grinning through it all. His arm was shaking and he had to hold it in with the other hand to stop it from pulling out against his will. He felt nothing, and everything. He could hear the thoughts of everyone who had ever spoken to him, jolting along the blood of his burning arm. He could feel a life-time of mistakes come running back at him, as he screamed aloud at the fire catching to his flesh._

_Finally he shuddered back, falling over. He gripped his arm and beared his teeth, shaking all over._

_Damn, he was going to faint._

_Sirius stood up, and fell back down. He clung onto the armchair and hauled himself up, feeling angry. He shouldn't have done that. Wait for later, when it will actually work…_

_Tears sprung to his eyes, and he ignored all sense to run to the hospital wing, or at least to find water. The flames had stopped, but his left forearm was a mass of black rust. Feeling an overpowering sense of pain, Sirius' eyes felt weak as he struggled to see up the stairs. He struggled over them, still holding on to his dead arm, the nails biting in but bearing no more hurt to what already had no hope left._

_Sirius shoved the door closed behind him, and crawled into the space between his bed and Remus'. He felt sorry that he had to leave Remus and Peter, but he knew they were better off without him. He was just trouble, forcing them to choose between him and the James that would never be able to forgive his harsh and unnecessary betrayal. He felt misunderstood, but knew that even his reasons for dating Lily could not excuse him dating her._

_Tears fell of a different nature. Sirius rolled up one trouser leg, seeing old scars on his thigh, and touched them compassionately. He thought of James as he drew out the knife from his pocket. He was doing this for James. Taking himself away so that James would have to feel no more anger. Surely he would understand that, and eventually be able to give him._

_Sirius dug into his leg and cringed, looking away, this time not being able to bear what he was doing. He still had that definite resolve though, knowing no other way, no other conclusion to make his best friend, his brother, be able to live happily – peacefully. Free of anger, hate – free of him._

_Moving quickly, wanting to make sure it would work before he blacked out from the screaming inside his chest and his mind, Sirius moved the knife to his already hurt arm. He dug in, fresh and sharp, again closing his eyes and picturing before him James, Remus, Peter, Lily, Priscilla, November, the Gryffindor team, his parents, his son of a bitch brother, his disgusting house, Headmaster Dippet, his teachers, Hogwarts, the grounds, the sunsets, the breakfasts, the owls, the trees, the buildings, the streets, the love, the hate, the magic, that he would never ever see or feel ever again._

_Sirius slumped to the ground, whispering a name amongst his blood-thirsty lips: "James…"_

**--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**"Talk to me about angels, James. Tell me about angels. Tell me how they fly above us."**

**"Um, I... I don't know..."**

**"Teach me how to live, James. I want to live like the angels. I want to be free."**

**"How do you know? Maybe this is heaven, right here."**

**"Tell me God loves me..."**

**"God loves you Sirius. And so do I." James kisses Sirius on the forehead before his friend slips into unconsciousness.**

**-------------------------**

_"What did Priscilla say?"_

_"Well I couldn't hear everything through the door, but it was fairly obvious she was talking about him, and I definitely heard his muffled name a few times. And then there was silence for a while…_

**_"I can't stand it, I can't stand not having him – I'm not even sure I want him, I just… I need him. …to tell me what's going on. I just feel so confused, and it hurts so much." _**

**_Silence._****__**

**_"I know it's horrible now, but it'll get better."_**

****

_"What did Lily say?"_

****

**_"No, I think horrible still has to come. Right now it's worse. Right now I'm just trying hard not to die…" Tears pour down from breaking eyes. "I can't breathe, Priscilla. It feels like I can't breathe…"_**

_"Ouch."_

_"I wonder if that's what it's like for James…"_

**-------------------------**__

_"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to break like that…I just don't know what I want anymore. Well, maybe I do. I thought I did, but then… maybe I just don't know_ who _I want anymore. But I never meant it to be like this. I…love you… oh, wake up, _please_ wake up!!"_

**-------------------------**__

**_Embrace the discomfort of being alone._**

****

**-------------------------**__

_Around him stands tall, overpowering black. He slipped into it, crashing and falling. And a hand reaches out, trying to stop him, but he can't stop now. Falling forever, you'll fall forever and you'll never stop. Breathing in is to wish for air, the air that slipped away. Falling, just like you, crashing and falling…never to stop. They can't bring him back. Gone forever, don't cling on. You can't. no one wants you to. The hand, it is a secret. A secret they'll keep back. You don't want to go back there. Crashing and falling, you'll fall forever._

**-------------------------**__

**"They can't go on like this, that's for sure."**

**"I know, but neither's likely to give in are they?"**

**"And for good reason…"**

**"Well yeah ok so maybe both are to blame – but what are we going to do if they don't make up again?"**

**"I don't know."**

**"…No, really.**** What will we do?"**

**"I wish I knew, but this time I feel lost of thoughts…"**

**-------------------------******

I'm sorry too. I love you. I always did love you. And I never meant it either. It was stupid. A stupid fight over stupid trivial things. I love you… I can't do anything without you. You're practically me. I know it doesn't make sense but nothing seems to be making sense in here. Look, you can't go. You can't. I never said you could. I never said goodbye, I never said sorry, I never had a chance to tell you it didn't matter, that I forgave you, that there was nothing to forgive. Do you understand? So, you can't leave me, you see. I won't let you. You die, I die with you.

****

**-------------------------****__**

****

_Crashing and falling, forever and ever…you can't come back. They don't want you to. Neither did you last time I took note…_

_FUCK. YOU. Things change. Maybe it will change. I'm going back. Stop. Never to fall. Stop. I won't go there. I won't. I'm going back. I want to go back. I don't want to leave them. Wake up. Wake up Sirius._

_WAKE UP._

**-------------------------**__

****

**_That's it now, embrace the discomfort of being alone… And may you kill it and send it to hell._**

**---------------------------------------------------------------------------**


	12. A Moment or Two

**"Everybody Hurts"**

**Rowan Arkenson**

**Summary: **Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems...

**Disclaimers:** I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine.

**A/N: **Hey there, sweet things. Sorry for confusion in last chapter, but it really was meant to be that way to be honest. When you're unconscious or dying or sleeping and you're hearing or dreaming or thinking about things – it's not gonna make any sense to you is it!! Just think of those flying purple bananas that are eating your best friend's head that you see in _your _sleep…eh? Hope you like the chapter. Ooh how I love angst. But hopefully this one has lightened up a bit. Sorry in advance if the next chapter takes ages to get out. Technically I'm supposed to be spending all my time at the moment revising for exams and working on coursework. Writing this now is cutting into my sleep time see? lol. :P But yeh I will try and get it out within…two weeks, I reckon. Love you all, review please. -rowanx

**Chapter Twelve – A Moment or Two**

****

"Sirius?" James said, yelling rather loudly, for the hundredth time.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Prongs I already told you – HE'S ASLEEP. Leave him alone." James pouted and went to sit back down. "Aren't you supposed to be sleeping as well anyway?"

James rolled his eyes. "I'm _fine_. I was only unconscious for a few hours or something. Pomfrey overreacts.

"Potter!" Pomfrey's voice rang out across the hospital wing. "Get – your – self – back – into – _bed_!"

"But I'm not…"

"Professor Dumbledore's orders!" Pomfrey walked in bossily, and physically shooed James to a bed near Sirius'. She glared at him until he was under the covers and then walked back out again, stopping momentarily to glance back evilly. As soon as her office door was closed, James threw the covers off and sat with his legs crossed on the bed, staring at Sirius.

Peter saw this and said, trying to sound very wise, "Prongs, a watched iron never boils."

James and Remus stared at Peter. James said, after a while, "…Ya what?"

"Don't you mean 'kettle'?" said Remus.

Peter thought about this for a moment, then pouted.

"But he's right. Sort of," Remus said, confusing himself. "Sirius won't boil if you keep watching him. …Or something."

James sighed. "It's not fair though. I haven't seen him awake yet. You two have. I just want to know he's ok."

Peter and Remus exchanged looks of glee. "Good to know," Remus said, leaning back comfortably.

"What do you mean?" James asked with a frown.

"Well, and don't take this the wrong way, but we were a bit worried that you might not…that you might not care," Remus said slowly.

James raised an eyebrow. "You mean because of the argument?"

"And because of the punch up, and that whole Lily-betrayal thing…" Peter added.

Remus kicked him.

James looked away. "Just because I was mad at him, that doesn't mean…" He stopped, knowing he didn't need to say anymore. Remus nodded and continued to play with his fingers. "So, what happened when I was unconscious anyway?" James said, changing the conversation quickly.

"Well, I heard you yelling from upstairs," said Peter. "So, I came up and you were slumped against Sirius on the floor and you were both…" he hesitated.

"Ha," Remus laughed somewhat over-happily, "he thought you'd killed each other."

"Well what was I supposed to think…" Peter mumble, embarrassed.

Remus grinned. "He came to get me, and I knew that neither of you were dead, so used my wand to get you to the hospital wing."

"Was I really unconscious for a day?" James said, incredulously. Remus nodded. "And – and were you guys here for the whole time?"

Remus looked down for a moment, and brushed something off his robes. After a short pause he said, "Peter was. I went to do something at one point, but yeah pretty much." He looked back up again. "Why do you ask?"

James shrugged. "I had a lot of weird – dreams." Peter looked at him questioningly. "Well, I'm not sure if they were dreams or not. I think a lot of them might have been…um, me overhearing things…"

Remus sat up. "Like what?" he asked, sounding calm, but looking slightly worried.

"Well, I'm not sure exactly," James said with a frown. "I only remember bits. I'm sure I was talking to Sirius about angels…and then, it was scary, I had a dream where he was – dying. But, he also came back in that one – that's when I woke up. I knew he wasn't dead." Remus nodded and James realised he'd been babbling. "Oh, and, I heard - lily's voice. Saying sorry and….things."

"You did?" said Remus quickly.

"Yeah…I must have been overhearing her speaking to Sirius though while she was unconscious," said James, making it try not to sound too much like a question.

Peter nodded slowly. "Yeah…yeah, she did come for a while." He looked at Remus.

"What else did you hear?" Remus asked.

James shrugged. "I can't really remember…oh, yeah there was one bit where I heard you two talking, about – I don't know, two girls I think it was…do you know what I'm on about?" he asked sincerely.

Remus shrugged and Peter nodded simultaneously. James frowned. "Oi, no lies," he said with a grin. "Be nice to me, I'm an invalid!"

Remus smiled. "Yeah, we were talking about Priscilla…I overheard her talking about something…I – I don't know what though."

James nodded. "Ok. Cool." Inside his heart was beating quickly. Did that mean that Lily _hadn't _been talking to Priscilla about him then? He recognized their voices easily, as soon as he woke up and tried remembering it all. He knew Lily had been crying…but he couldn't figure out if it was over him…or Sirius. But it was Sirius, had to be. She'd been there earlier, crying to Sirius about how much she loved him. Unless… No. James shook his head. Of course not. That was ridiculous.

He thought about the dream he'd had talking to Sirius, and wondered if that had really happened or not. Then it came to him. The summer before 4th year – James had spent it at Sirius'. It was the defining moment for James; from knowing Sirius' parents only as people who were hardly ever at home and not to be worried about, to detesting them with every single bit of hatred he had inside him. One summer evening he went down for dinner to see Sirius lying in a corner, blood on his head, looking pale and shocked. James had thought he was going to die from his father's beating. Sirius had gone slightly delusional, and had started asking James what Heaven was like. It was really disturbing for the thirteen year old. Then Sirius blacked out and James took him by floo powder to St. Mungo's, where he shakily told them it was just some magic from an older brother gone wrong.

Every other summer after that was spent at James' or one of the other Marauders'. James barely left Sirius' side again, feeling protective over the only brother he ever felt he'd had.

James leaned forward, curling into himself with his legs up on the bed. His eyes didn't pull away from Sirius for one second. Later, he realised he hadn't noticed Remus and Peter leaving; at the time he was just too dissolved in his own thoughts. He remembered now himself talking to a dying Sirius, almost yelling at him not to die. Did he say that before he blacked out? He couldn't remember. He yawned, feeling sleep try to take over him, and looked at his watch: 7:08pm. He'd spent all of yesterday unconscious, apparently, and all of this day dedicated to not moving from Sirius' side. He'd ignored Dumbledore and Dippet's word that they would fetch him as soon as Sirius woke again. They said he'd woken momentarily the day before, and had mumbled a few things before falling back into sleep again. And James had missed it.

He moved down from the bed, gazing at Sirius' bandaged arm and kneeling next to his bed. He touched the bandage gingerly, stroking up and down it, mesmorised. Looking up to check Pomfrey was still in his office, he unclipped the bandage and began to undo it. Remus had said that Pomfrey couldn't start to heal the arm until the leg was healed. Apparently she could only do one at a time or the magicks would mix..._or something,_ thought James. He shuddered as the unraveling bandage revealed a black mass. James winced. There were long and harsh scars scattered across Sirius' blackened arm, looking messy, and this time not spelling out anything. He touched one of the scars gently, and glanced at Sirius. His friend didn't move. James traced his finger along of the scars, and, feeling lost in Sirius' hate and depression, moved forward almost in a trance. He leaned down and kissed Sirius on his arm, where the deepest scar lay. A tear leaked out of his eye, and he brushed it away, hating himself. It was all his fault, he knew that, but he wouldn't give in to the tears. It wasn't for him to cry; that should be Sirius' privilege. But he knew his friend wouldn't cry – would probably do nothing except make stupid jokes and try to pretend he'd never tried to commit suicide.

James's eyes flittered and he yawned again. But he wasn't going to leave. He'd never leave Sirius ever again. Leaning down, he lay his arms and head down on the side of Sirius' bed, and fell into sleep.

---

"SHITTING ARSE MONkeys…!…" James awoke, startled, and looked around him. Sirius was sitting up in bed, looking rather amused and pleased with himself.

"Heh. Monkeys, James? I thought you had more taste than that," he said, retreating a suspicious-looking arm that James knew he'd just pushed him with. He grinned and tried to stand, but his legs gave way. "Yeah well what do you expect from sleeping kneeled down all night." Sirius grinned.

Pulling over a chair and sitting heavily into it, James looked at hi watch and said, "You been watching me sleep again?"

"You know it babe," Sirius said, laughing, sounding weak.

James nodded, vanishing his grin and refusing to meet Sirius' eyes. He stared at his knees for a moment, feeling Sirius' patient eyes burning into his head. When he looked up his mouth open but no words came out. He couldn't apologise. Apologies seemed almost trivial to him at that point; they weren't even needed. Instead he stared seriously and slightly accusingly at his friend, and the words that escaped his mouth were slightly harsher than intended: "How's your arm?" he asked, his words shaking.

Sirius' expression didn't change. He didn't say anything, but he didn't look away from James either. They stayed like that for an eternity to James' eyes. He stared at his friend, and didn't want to ever look away. Afterwards he realised that that had been his longest time ever without thinking of Lily. He couldn't think about her right now.

Eventually James leaned forward and pulled Sirius into a hug. They held on to each other tightly for a moment and then drew back, Sirius with a small grin. "Hey, did we just have a moment there?"

James didn't return the smile. "I don't know. How's Lily?" he asked, spitefully. As soon as he said the words, he regretted it. Sirius' face broke, and he looked down. It broke James' heart. But before he could audibly take his words back, Sirius spoke.

"I'm sorry, it was stupid of me to think you could just forgive me. Well, I didn't know I'd be here to be forgiven, so I guess it doesn't even matter."

"No," said James forcefully, shocking himself more than Sirius. His friend looked up questioningly. "It does matter. And it's stupid. And – can't we just forget it all?"

"Prongs, I don't want you to forgive me out of pity. I tried to kill myself," Sirius said quietly, making James wince.

"Don't, you don't have to – "

"Yes I do." He paused for a moment, then went on. "James, last night I would have been glad for just a fucking Advra Kedavra. But I couldn't have done it myself." James looked away. "But you have to understand: right now, I'm glad it didn't work."

James looked up. "I don't get it." He stood up, feeling a small anger grow inside of him. "You wanted to be dead and now you don't…aren't they quite shaky grounds on which to kill yourself?"

"Well it wouldn't have mattered would it," Sirius said. "I'd be dead. I wouldn't care if it had been a mistake…"

"Well what about me?!" James yelled angrily. "We have _one _argument, and…" he stopped. "One girl to dump you, that's all it takes?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "It had nothing to do with Lily. Look, you don't understand…"

"Yes I do. So what, every time I'm mad at you you're just gonna bugger off like this?"

Sirius clicked his tongue, stalling. "It wasn't just one time, dude. You being mad at me back there was several times, in just a few days."

James came back and sat down. "So? You're still…it wasn't like…fucking hell Sirius." He ran his hands through his hair awkwardly and laughed again. "I don't fucking care what happened," he said, finding he really didn't. "I don't care about Lily. Just – don't do that to me again alright?" he said, smiling shakily.

Sirius grinned. "I think that'll work. And you do care about Lily – but thanks anyway."

James smiled.

"So anyway… How are those monkeys doing?"

"Yeah, they're good, it's nice of you to ask."

"Little one still being…monkey-ish?"

"Yeah, aww, cute little tyke. He rolled over today! That one's making real progress."

"Especially for a monkey."

"And at that young age…"

Lily paused at the doorway. Sirius and James saw her appear and looked at her blinkingly for a moment. "…Are you two talking about monkeys?" she asked after a moment or two, one eyebrow raised.

James grinned. "They're doing so well."

"And they grow up so fast," Sirius added, wiping away a tear.

Lily didn't get it. "…You two have monkeys?"

James laughed. "Lily, sit down will you?"

"But I don't… Sirius, are you alright?" she said, rapidly changing the subject and putting on her motherly expression.

James saw the strain it took in Sirius' face to smile and say, "Yes, thank you. Are you?"

Lily frowned and came forward. "I'm being serious. What did Pomfrey say about…"

"Lily, I don't think you're quite getting it here," James said with a large smile. "Sirius is fine. Stop with the mothering!"

Sirius laughed. "I know, what is she like eh?"

"I bet she was even worse when you two were going out. Very over-protective."

The two boys grinned but Lily just looked appalled. "Look you two can pretend all you want but it's not just – "

"Lily. Shut up." This came from James, a set expression on his face. Then he smiled. "Come, join us. Sit, relax. We were actually thinking of taking a trip out to see the little darlings this weekend at monkey land. You can come if you want."

Lily stared at James for a moment, and then at Sirius, and then back to James. Finally she sighed and shook her head, but with the sigh she seemed to release all anxiety and, giving in, laughed and came over to sit on a chair. "You two are absolutely mad," she said, smiling, and Sirius and James grinned happily together, almost like brothers.

---

The next few days were agony for James, but he guessed they were even more so for Sirius. Dippet came often to the hospital wing to see Sirius, to see how he was doing. But the two boys (James never leaving Sirius' side, not even for lessons or food) kept up the false sincerity and humour that Sirius was fine and they wondered why everyone was acting so strange around him. Dippet went along with it though, smiling and nodding and agreeing. James hated what they were doing but knew if he treated Sirius and everything that had happened differently, his friend would fall apart.

On the fourth night James had spent in the hospital wing though, refusing to leave for his dormitory and his teachers helpless to protest, Dippet came in to speak to Sirius. James, truth be told, hadn't slept since that night when Sirius had woken him up. He usually waited until Sirius fell asleep and then got out of bed and stayed awake all night. Easy enough; James probably couldn't have slept anyway. The first night he had fallen asleep by Sirius' side, he'd had disturbing dreams; countless times he had watched Sirius kill himself in horrible and terrifying ways behind his eyelids. James couldn't sleep without knowing he wasn't going to…without knowing that nothing was going to happen to him.

James was lying in his bed, staring at the wall opposite Sirius. He listened intently to Sirius' breathing. The light was on and his neighbour was sitting up in bed, apparently reading a book. Which was strange. But then Sirius had changed a lot. Or maybe James had changed a lot… Anyway, the point was, Sirius was _reading. _James had every intention of reading the title and cover of that book as soon as he heard his friend asleep. It must be a good book if Sirius was reading it out of his own free will. The teachers hadn't set him homework – everyone knew, and everyone seemed to be ignoring Sirius completely, tip toeing around him and the subject. For a moment James felt jealous, and ashamed, thinking of his piles of parchment lying in his dormitory, waiting to be filled out for several lessons that he'd already missed work and notes from.

But he'd do anything for Sirius.

He could catch up on work later.

The hospital wing door opened and Dippet's low voice called out, "Mr. Black?"

James heard Sirius' reply: "Yes, sir?"

Dippet walked in, and James closed his eyes, trying to breathe a bit heavier, to make it appear as though he were asleep. "I was wondering if I could have a short word with you…perhaps while Mr. Potter was asleep."

James furrowed his eyebrows. What did Dippet have against him?

"Why?" said Sirius with a small hint of accusation and annoyance, and James grinned at his friend's loyalty to him.

"Sirius, you must know that present events have to be looked at seriously and taken into proper account." James could almost feel Sirius' tense stillness. "I have phoned your parents – "

"What?! No, you wouldn't have – "

"Sirius I know full well of the, shall we say, _distance_, you have acquired between yourself and your parents over the years, and I know you now live more with Mr. Potter than you do them, but none the less they are your parents, and I felt they had the right to know…"

James sensed Sirius' outrage as the bed sheets ruffled. "They disowned me," Sirius yelled, a little too loud, and James hoped that Dippet didn't think it should have woken him up. "They don't have anything to do with me anymore; they don't want to have anything to do with me anymore. And I don't care! I can't believe…" James pictured Sirius slumping back against the bed and imagined, his heart quickening, Sirius fainting from disbelief and anger. But moments later Sirius' breathing was heard and someone was lightly pacing around the room.

"I know you must feel upset Sirius – believe me I understand. I understand a lot more than you realise."

"No," Sirius said bitterly. "You can't understand how long it took to convince myself I don't care that my own parents can't stand the sight of me. It took me so long to realise what they were. They're selfish bastards and I hate them. Do you know how much it sucks hating your parents and having them hate you? They don't care what I do – so why should I care they know…what I did? I don't care. I don't care that they're going to think I'm weak now. Giving in at the first sign of pressure…it wasn't like that! I can't believe they would think that. I hope they don't think I did it because of _them_? I wouldn't take a million galleons for them, I would give a million galleons to all the poor people in the world if it meant I never had to see their disgusting, self-righteous, arrogant, stuck-up faces ever again." James realised at this point that Sirius was choking on his words; biting back tears.

Dippet paused a moment and said, "I am sorry Sirius. I had to tell them. You know I did. Whatever the relationship between you both they are the ones that need to know these things."

Sirius' breathing was heavy and quick, and after a while he mumbled, "What did they say when you told them?"

The air was tense. "You know how they reacted, Sirius," Dippet replied quietly.

James could feel the tears falling gently down his friend's face, and fought back the urge to massacre Dippet and the Blacks right then.

"I am sorry Sirius." Dippet's voice became louder as he walked towards Sirius, his feet padding softly on the ground. James assumed the headmaster was taking Sirius' arm in consolidation, and wondered how much the headmaster thought that would excuse his parents' reaction. "There are more things to discuss, but I am sure it can wait until tomorrow. I thought you ought to know though. They may want to turn up and speak with you."

Sirius was silent. No one in the room thought that Sirius' parents would come to see if their _favourite__ son _was ok or not.

Dippet walked slowly from the room and as soon as James heard the door creak shut he flung his covers off and walked over to Sirius.

"…Sirius?"

Coming up close, James could see the tear-strained pale cheeks on Sirius' face clearly, and resisted the urge to wipe them clean. Instead he moved forward and hugged Sirius, tightly, not saying a word.

"Thanks, Prongs," Sirius murmured against his shoulder, sounding weak and helpless, like a lost child.

James helped Sirius back into bed and pulled the covers over him. He stroked Sirius' cheek gently, and walked back over to his bed, sitting on it, and wrapping his own covers around himself for warmth. His eyes never left Sirius.


	13. Black

**"Everybody Hurts"**

**Rowan Arkenson**

**Summary: **Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems...

**Disclaimers:** I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine.

**Warning: **Frequent angry strong swearing. In the second warning and in the chapter methinks.

**A/N: **(Go me on hitting 70 pages with this chapter. I mean, the chapter itself is only about 5 pages, but the story is now 70. Yay.)****

laughs lots Hmm. Tbh I didn't see the last chapter as controversial as someone made it out to be, but to be honest I wouldn't have a problem at all if James and Sirius WERE gay. I just thought you'd all understand that some love goes beyond kissing ya know? sigh ah well, love everyone who got that :D and if anyone's worried, then, like, HELLO? I would have put a warning up at the very first chapter if I was planning to do that. So there. … ok enough ranting now. Just thought I'd explain all that. Sorry for longness of update. Coursework, depression, ya know? Love me, Read, Hate me, then Review.  –rowanx

Ps, Please read my other story (just a short one, one chapter) "At The Edge Of The World", and tell me what you think. :)

**Warnings: **If you are offended by fucking fuck-off bastards who have cunts growing out of their arseholes because they have dicks shoved so far up their heads that shit multiplies out of them at a growing speed of LOTS – then I should probably warn you about Mr. and Mrs. Black.

**Chapter Thirteen – Black**

****

Almost the whole of the Gryffindor 7th and 6th years and a few known-5th years had come to visit Sirius at some stage, and even the same of Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff. James had wondered how they all knew that Sirius was in hospital and how they thought that he was in because he'd braved a spell from a shameless randomly-attacking Slytherin, though for some reason no one knew they Slytherin's name. James chuckled to himself as two Gryffindor 5th years asked Sirius to retell the duel in tight detail. People believe what they wanted to believe, he guessed.

                Sirius was telling how he dodged the first curse behind the Whomping Willow and then let the tree attack his fooled Slytherin, when James saw a flicker of exhaustion behind his smiles.

                James stood up. "Right, that's it, we've sold all out today, shops closing, come back tomorrow," he said, shooing the two confused-looking boys from the hospital wing, closing the door severely behind them. He came back down to sit by Sirius, ignoring his hintingly weird looks and started reading aimlessly through Witch Weekly.

                "Excuse me, _mummy_, but what was all that about?" asked Sirius, looking amused.

                "Hmm?" came James' reply, as he pretended to be very interested an article suggesting different spells for making your bum smaller, bigger or tighter. There was a picture of a witch model, grabbing her bum and grinning. It wasn't too hard to pretend to find it interesting.

                "What was that? Not that I even vaguely remember their names…I think one of them was called Stephone…or maybe Murial…but why did you tell them to leave? I don't mind talking to them Prongs. I'm not severely damaged or anything you know. You don't need to act the mother."

                James thought about this for a moment. "Yeah I do," he replied, and returned to his article.

                Sirius laughed shortly. "Ok whatever," he said, giving in and pretending to look annoyed and cross, but grinning all the same.

---

"Proooooonnnnnnnnnngggs?"

                "Mm-hmm?"

                "PrOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOngs. Proongs."

                "Yes?"

                "Perrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrron-"

                "Padfoot shut up!"

---

"What are you reading?"

                "Mfshu.awer…"

                "What was that?"

                "sigh I'm actually reading up on annoying people and how – they – can – be – dealt – with. – QUICKLY."

                "Ohh. … Can I have a look?"

---

"Did you know that one hundred and forty five take away one is twelve squared?"

                "…Yes."

                "…Oh. … Did you know that five thousand and…"

---

"Wanna hear a joke wanna hear a joke??"

                "Well, actually Padfoot I'm…"

                "Ok, a panda walks into a pub, and goes up to the bar. The barman says, 'What would you like mate?' And the panda says '………………………………………….A packet of crips and a beer.' The barman asks, 'Why the big pause?' and the panda holds up his hands and goes, 'Hey, I can't help being a panda mate!' Do you get it? HAHAHA genius, heehee, you know, with the PAUSE and PAWS thing? Hahahaha…."

                "…"

---

"Jaaamesybo-"

                "Ok we really need to get you out of here." James stood up and was just about to hit Sirius with a pillow for the hundredth time that day when Dumbledore walked through the door.

                James withdrew the pillow and Sirius grinned triumphantly. "Good afternoon Professor Dumbledore," he said cheerily.

                Dumbledore's mouth twitched. "Well, you seem to be feeling well today Mr. Black."

                "Yep, he's been having fans round and everything," James said, sinking into a chair.

                "Really?" said Dumbledore with a smile. "Well now I wonder if you're up to any more visitors today Mr. Black."

                Sirius' face lit up. "Yes, of course, bring on the fans." James rolled his eyes.

                But Dumbledore's face was suddenly grave and serious. "You don't have to see them if you don't want to, Sirius, but…your parents are here." Sirius' face faded completely of colour. He shone a sickly white.

                James jumped up, his heart racing a thousand beats per second, jaggedly. He felt rage take over him; it was as if all of Sirius' anger at his parents was fading with the colour from his face and burning into James. "You just let them in here," he said to Dumbledore. "I can't wait to meet them."

                "Mr. Potter…"

                "What do they think gives them the right to even show up?" James asked angrily.

                "James shut up," Sirius mumbled. James looked at his friend, staring intensely at his own hands, and sat down on the bed, shutting up, and trying his hardest to calm down.

                Dumbledore nodded, seeming to understand, and leaned his head out of the door to call "Mr. and Mrs. Black?" James tried to steal a look from his friend while Dumbledore was looking away but Sirius was still just staring at his hands.

                James could practically hear the silence that accompanied the tense wait for Sirius' parents. Suddenly James heard a footstep from outside the door and Dumbledore stepped in with Mr. Black by his side.

                Raging temptation spread across the room making James want to hit the man that stood by the door, a look of such anger on the older man's face directing towards the feeble lump that looked cowardly and scared on the hospital bed. James kept his anger to lash around inside his beating heart and instead James took to studying the man before him. He hadn't seen Mr. Black since he respected him.

                 Mr. Black's hair was black, looking in outline as perfect as Sirius', but James spotted the few grey hairs in there, and smiled happily. He wore thickly-black-framed glasses with dark eyes hidden behind showing not even a small twinkle of light. His robes were long and black, everything Black to the core.          His wife stepped out from behind, revealing at first sight to James the same narrowed eyes, brown and misty. She wore similar robes of black but Mrs. Black's robes had a silver lining, and James thought of the irony of that sentence that drew together in his mind as he tore his eyes away from the parents and looked to the son.

                Sirius was now sat upright in bed, eyebrows creased, arms wrapped around his knees, covers pushed to the edge. Dumbledore said, awkwardly, "Um, James, I'll be in my office if anyone needs anything." He smiled, looking confident, and walked out.

                A lock of eyes from Mr. Black to Sirius until Mr. Black walked round the side of the bed to Sirius and clipped him round the head.

                James didn't move. Couldn't move. Couldn't move as he watched Sirius cower back onto his bed, hand raised over his head in protection. And Mrs. Black stood there, not exactly smiling, but looking resigned and content.

                "How could you do this to our family?" she said, walking forward, as Sirius sat on the bed, looking like a lost child, looking down, hand to his sore head, as he frowned at the covers, holding a steady gaze with them. "Were you even thinking of us, of anyone else, when you decided you would just kill yourself?" she said in a squeaky voice.

                James' mouth dropped at the bluntness of her tone and he wondered if they even knew he was there. And he still couldn't move from his bed.

                Sirius hadn't moved. He was breathing deeply, his eyes now shut intensely, as if to ignore the fact the Blacks were even there.

                "I don't even care why you did it, Sirius," said Mrs. Black, still staring at him in contempt. "You've done enough to dishonor our name. But to run to your headmaster, that _Dippet__,_ to get even more attention and then have him contact us? I just don't understand."

                Mr. Black hit him again, harder this time, and a tear escape Sirius' eye. "Stop crying," Mr. Black said angrily, and hit him again. "You're a pathetic excuse for a man."

                Sirius got out of bed quickly and faced his parents, fists clenched at his side. "If you're supposed to be a good example of what a man is I'm glad I'm not one."

                Mr. Black's eyes went aflame and he moved forward, but James was there in a flash this time, fully recovered from his shock, and his hand went straight to Mr. Black's raised arm. The older man saw James, took him in and lowered his hand, not even saying anything about it.

                "You disowned me, what are you even doing here?" Sirius asked, a mixture of feelings pouring from his tone and expression freely as he stared at the space between his parents, looking neither in the eye.

                "This is the last you'll hear from us, don't worry about that," Mrs. Black said tartly. "You're just as bad as a Mudblood."

                Mr. Black took one look at his son. "I'll see you on the other side," he said, rather mysteriously, and grinned, scaring James a little. The Blacks walked out of the Hospital Wing, leaving silence behind them.

---

Sirius laughed. "And I missed it?"

                Remus grinned as Peter blushed a deep red. "How was I supposed to know that putting root of grottle into my potion would do that to my ears…" he mumbled.

                "Did Pomfrey manage to de-bunny you?" Sirius said, grinning. He moved forward to pull on Peter's ears. "They still look fairly rabbit-like to me. You might want to go back, complain."

                Remus laughed, loudly, and even Peter joined in, making Sirius look content. James sat in his chair. He stared at nothing.

                Peter nudged Remus and pointed at James. Remus coughed. "Prongs, you alright?"

                James blinked, nodded at Remus and his eyes glazed over once more to stare.

                Sirius examined his nails and looked away. After a while he said, "Right, I'm starving, and I'm restless – I haven't been able to walk around for ages. Want to go for a run around before lunch, _Prongs_?" he said, grinning and wiggling his eyebrows.

                James shook his head slowly, still feeling completely out of it.

                Peter looked at James and then to Sirius. "I'll come, Padfoot. Just don't try and eat me this time, ok?"

                "Aww, come on, you know you love the thrill of the chase," Sirius said grinning evilly and standing up.

                "You try being chased by a huge black dog and then we'll see who grins," said Peter, narrowing his eyes.

                Sirius laughed again and the two walked out of the common room.

                Remus hit James, hard, on the shoulder.

                "Ow!" James said, finally snapping out of his stupor, frowning at Remus whilst rubbing his arm. "What was that for?"

                "What is wrong with you?" Remus asked, annoyed. "You're not still mad at Padfoot, are you?" It wasn't a question. James looked away. "You told me you two had sorted that all out. I came to see you both in the hospital wing, you were fine. So why aren't you talking to him? Why are you being all down when you know he's – _fragile _– at the moment?"

                James shrugged. "Just because he…it doesn't change…"

                Remus leaned back, silent. "You haven't forgiven him really, have you."

                James shrugged again, hating himself.

                "You're going to have to eventually."

                "I know. I still don't understand it," said James quietly. "I know it's not like he – beat me up or killed me or anything, but…"

                "Sometimes…these kinda things hurt more," Remus said with a small smile.

                James grinned. "Yeah. I'd have preferred it if he'd _actually _ripped out my heart and tore off all my arms and legs and shredded them into thousands of pieces."

                Remus nodded. "Bastard." James laughed.

                "What are the Blacks like now then?" Remus asked.

                James frowned. "I hate them," he said, shaking his head.

                "I know. But Padfoot hates them more."

                "How dare they treat him like that," James said, feeling angry. "He's a thousand times better than they are. And he's 17! Nearly 18…they can't treat him like that anymore."

                Remus looked thoughtful. "What did you say Mr. Black said before he left?"

                James shrugged. "Something really weird like 'See you on the other side' or something… I don't know what that was supposed to mean."

                Suddenly Remus stood up with a smile. "I'm hungry. And I'm bored of being depressed." He looked at James. "Let's go get some Slytherins before lunch."

                James grinned manically.

---

The crowd roared as a much-missed Sirius took to the air. James couldn't help grinning. Despite having missed practices, Sirius refused to miss this game. Priscilla was there, also long recovered, and the two smiled widely as they flew side by side. James tore his eyes away from them and looked to seek out the fourth year seeker.

                "Julie?" he called, and she flew up to his side. "Try not to catch the snitch too soon, right?" James said with a grin, and Julie nodded in understanding as she laughed as Sirius, doing loop-de-loops in the air. "He hasn't been out here for a while, it'll do him good."

                "Sure thing." Julie grinned and flew to her position.

                "Are you sure he should even be up here?"

                James turned automatically at the voice. "Lily, he's fine, ok?"

                Lily raised an eyebrow. "Maybe to you he is. But then I've known our James Potter to ignore things in the past because he didn't want to deal with them."

                "Uh, and what's that supposed to mean?"

                Lily shrugged. "Maybe that you're still mad at him, for, whatever reason, that he's still angry inside at – whatever – and that I'm…not just here."

                "Lily, what are you on?"

                "Deny it all you want James. Neither of you have spoken to me all week, since I visited him in hospital, and all you've done is speak to each other." Lily gave James a very hard look. "As if you have to try so hard or it all might fall apart. But I've seen you when you think no one's there. Looking as if you're trying hard not to fall apart. Same with him. This is too difficult, too huge, for you two to carry on trying to deny it all ever existed."

                James looked away. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

                "That's because you keep looking away," Lily whispered, sadness and disappointment dripping in her tone. James turned back but she'd already flown away.

                The whistle blew.

---

James walked into the changing rooms and ran his hand through his hair as his teammates exploded around them. They had won against Ravenclaw, 250-80. James didn't care as Priscilla tried to give him a questioning look, Lily ignored his existence, and Sirius was trying to hug him so hard he nearly fell over.

                "Oh man, that was the best game ever!" Sirius said. "Did you see me knock that bludger aiming at Weasley towards Purkiss? Knocked him right off his broom! He'll never chaser again MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

                "Padfoot – breathe. Calm yourself." James made the breathing motions and managed to sit a slightly hysterical Sirius onto a bench.

                Lily's words were still raging through James' head, and whilst he understood and believed every word she'd said – his mind was still ignoring it.

                He watched Sirius sitting on the bench in front of him, laughing, and talking to Arthur Weasley who was sat next to him. Was it real laughter? Or, like Lily said, were they both just pretending too hard?

                As desperate as James still was to ask his best friend why he'd gone out with Lily – he didn't. As desperate as he was to end the charade and tell Sirius they couldn't be friends anymore – he just couldn't. He didn't know what it was that made him forgive Sirius so easily, or perhaps made James afraid to hate him, but he knew he just had to go with it.

                Lily was only another person after all. He and Sirius were practically brothers.

                James grinned. "That was a pretty good dive Anne," he said to her as Sirius was hugging her tightly.

                Sirius punched the air. "Go Go Gryffindor!"

                "Go Go Gryffindor!"

                Everyone got changed and left the common room. As Lily left James tried to catch her eye and smile at her; he hadn't realised he'd been ignoring her, and he didn't want to, but she brushed right past him. He sat down wearily.

                "Prongs! Prongs come look at this! I can't believe we didn't see this at breakfast…" James looked up to see Remus belting through the door of the Gryffindor changing rooms, waving a daily prophet about in his hand. Before James had time to ask Remus was stood next to him shoving the front page under his nose. James took the paper from him and read the headline, his heart beating.

**_"MORE MUGGLES MURDERED MYSTERIOUSLY_**

**_ - MINISTRY BAFFLED"_**

James' eyes widened.

**                "Yesterday evening at 20:03 the ministry was called to a street in London to clear up the deaths of twelve muggles. The muggles in question had been blasted apart, heads severed from their bodies."**

James winced.

                "Lovely, isn't it…" Remus said sarcastically.

**"Obviously this had been the work of wizards, as there were no signs of muggle knives or guns having been used. Words magically sprayed into the air read the words 'TAKE THIS AS A WARNING. SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE, WHEN IT WILL BEGIN'."**

James looked at Remus, but his friend urged him to read on.

**                "The ministry are of course taking immediate action into the investigation of this terrible crime. There are no eye witnesses, but the head of the ministry, Cornelius Fudge, says he has one or two theories as to who could have done this and blanked the memories of surrounding muggles immediately.**

**                'There was a man a year or so ago who killed 23 mudbloods in four different parts of the country. The ministry was baffled,' says Fudge, 'and today we still cannot find this person who called himself Voldemort. We think this might be another work from him, but this time he probably has many allies.'**

**                The ministry warns people to be careful as the killer could still be around and ready to give more warnings.**

**                The familes of those murdered…"**

James stopped reading; could hardly bear to read anymore. His heart was pounding fast and his eyes stared at the paper, wide open and almost disbelieving, afraid. He looked at Remus. He said, slowly, "Shit…I hadn't even thought about that. What Padfoot's dad had said to him…_see you on the other side…_"

                "Be careful Prongs. This doesn't mean it was Mr. Black." Remus looked hard at James.

                "I know, but it means he's got something to do with all this." James shook his head and turned back to the paper. "You don't think…"

                "It's not for us to think about." Remus grabbed the paper and started walked out of the changing rooms. James grabbed his broomstick and followed. "I don't know what's going on, but can't you just tell that something's about to explode? I'll bet the argument Sirius had with his parents will seem miniscule compared to war _we're_ about to have with them…"


	14. Everyday December

**"Everybody Hurts"**

**Rowan Arkenson**

**Summary: **Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems...

**Disclaimers:** I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine.

**A/N: **Just a quick note to say the whole thing with Voldemort, I'd never planned to add it in, so if it doesn't continue, that's why. I'm not going to ignore it, but you know this story; it's about Lily and James, it's not about whether the world's going to be taken over by an evil wizard or not :P So yes. Thanks for reviewing the last chapter and all that jazz. Read my fictionpress stuff, you know you wanna. Oh yeah, and if I were to do an EXTREMELY rough estimate of how many chapters there are to go…I'd say around 5. ISH. Don't hold me to this. Just a guess. I may decide to add more things in, or cut a load of things out, just to annoy you :P Hehehe. –Rowanx

**A-A/N:** Yeah this chapter's hella short. But I don't care. Short can be good. Get over it. Look out for another chapter soon. In the true sense of the word SOON. Title of this chapter from a song by a band called **ran.for.days**prepares for flames for another confusion chapter Ah but you forget. This is my story. Not yours. grinsLove you all. Please review. -rowanx

**Chapter Fourteen – Everyday December**

****

James hated it. Decided he hated it and couldn't break away from it. Hated looking away from Lily, hated her looking away from him. Hated having to pretend he didn't _need _to look away from her, as he and Sirius had almost reached a silent agreement never to mention her again. James hated the weeks he didn't talk to her, hated remembering what Remus had heard her talking about, hated obsessively wondering about it… Hated pretending with Sirius. Clapping him on the back. Grinning with him. Laughing about girls, lessons, teachers, friends, enemies. Hated not talking about anything. Nothing real. Nothing to do with his parents, with news in the papers of more attacks on muggles and mudbloods, with lily, with his attempted suicide…

Life was a blank. As the weeks past, James made himself appear to get happier and happier. It was December. When he was sick of pretending, it was easy enough to say the weather was getting him down. Everyone gets down when it rains, he says. It'll pass, he's just tired.

Sitting in the common room, like they did every day, they were laughing together and playing chess, like they did, every day. James vs. Remus. Sirius and Peter along the sidelines, one ready to play the winner. It was Remus who noticed, like he'd been secretly noticing for the past two weeks. Noticed when James sneaked a look outside the window, that look in his eyes…Remus would never forget it. James looked lost. Horribly, despairingly, depressingly lost, like a little child, bored, upset, sad about something he couldn't control. Remus noticed it when James said he was tired and was going to go to bed. Remus followed him as Sirius and Peter innocently started a new game of chess themselves. Remus could hardly not notice something was wrong when he walked in to the dormitory to find James crying, as if he'd tried so hard not to, and still didn't understand why he was, and it was tearing him apart.

"Prongs?" Remus said, surprised. He walked over to James who was sat on the floor at the end of his bed, knees up, arms wrapped tightly around them, looking so lost and alone. Remus sat beside him. "You've been down for weeks," stated Remus softly. "Since, and before, Padfoot…" he stopped.

James looked up. "I don't know what's wrong with me," he said, laughing softly. "I'm fine really, I'm just…"

"No you're not," Remus pointed out. "You're clearly not, mate. You're not over Lily, and you're not even over Padfoot, all the things he did…"

James sighed and leaned his head back. "Life sucks."

"Like a bitch," Remus agreed.

The two sat in silence, both unsure of what to say. James wiped a tear away from his eye. "I really need to stop crying so much," he muttered. Another awkward silence. "It's not even just Lily anymore ya know…"

"I know." Remus put a hand on James' shoulder. "I know."

It was December. Every day was December and every day brought more personified blankness to James. Empty grey skies and bitter cold winds that refused to let it snow. Not quite yet. Snow was hanging in the sky, waiting to break down on the students of Hogwarts, most of whom would welcome its unique purity in its gallons.

James was waiting for it all to break down.

Wasn't sure what would happen when it did, but he hated not knowing when it was going to happen. He hated the wait. Hated the pain and wanted to release something – anger, tears, whatever it may be. He would go mad if he didn't.

Lily. The light of his life, he could say, if he were laughing really, really loudly at the time. She was there every day and every day that she was there was hell for James. He couldn't even be near her. He ignored her in the corridor. He looked away when she called his name. He ripped up bed sheets in his room afterwards and knocked Sirius' chest over, saying it was an accident.

And he ignored it.

Laughing that he was breaking down over such a trivial teenage matter.

He could be breaking down because of the war on muggles and mudbloods and of the war against people who were at war on muggles and… Perhaps he was.

Lily was a mudblood.

And Sirius' parents were pureblooded bastards.

And he loved Sirius. And he didn't understand him. And he hated him. For that. And… for Lily.

And he didn't understand it.

But he loved her.

On the wall behind his bed he would write that he loved her, again and again. Not in a psychotic, scary and obsessive way. His hand would scratch it over and over on the wall with a quill once sharp. He would familiarise himself with how it sounded. **"I love Lily. I love you Lily."** And he would wonder what it meant. But at least he would know that it was true. It was easier with Lily than with Sirius. But he didn't understand it.

He ripped up bed sheets in his room and knocked Sirius' chest over, saying it was an accident.

He was past tears. But he didn't understand the anger. He hated it. He hated loving Lily, so pure. So…so Lily. In every sense of the word. She was his Lily.

He was past tears. But he cried anyway.

Because he didn't understand it.


	15. Her Little Pink Sock

**"Everybody Hurts"**

**Rowan Arkenson**

**Summary: **Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems...

**Disclaimers:** I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine.

**A/N: **Woo thanks to all new reviewers for reading this. And Emrisah, I love you. You always come back to me :D cheers to other faithful reviewers as well, I love you all. Two chapters to go? Three chapters to go? Depends how bored I get. Let's do a poll!! Guess how many chapters to go after this one. GUESS. 1, 2, 3, 4, 10, 1,569.2? Any number. It'll be fun. You know you want to. All guesses include the chapter that's actually a prologue. The poems in this are by ME. They're all MINE. I wrote them. (Go see my fictionpress account, under the same name.) So there. This chapter is officially dedicated to little pink sock for being a new reviewer and giving me a lovely long review, and hence for inspiring me to write a long chapter :P and for giving me an idea to include a little pink sock. Hehehe. xx (Gah. Manhood is such a lame word for men's…place. However. Yeah. I apologise for its use.) I wrote this chapter in a WHOLE DAY. As in like, ONE day. Be nice to me :D I am especially proud of myself, hehe. Review!! :D -rowanx

* * *

**Chapter Fifteen – Her Little Pink Sock**

It was Christmas, finally. After all the hush everyone seemed to remember the time of present-giving and rushed around madly, buying presents, causing as much trouble as possible in the corridors (as a present to Filch of course. He loved having people to punish) and spraying annoying fake snow everywhere.

James wasn't going home. He told his parents he was spending Christmas with Lily, which, in a sense, was true. He was staying at Hogwarts because she was – and everyone else was going home. He didn't understand it, but he knew that he had to talk to her or he'd go insane. James hadn't spoken a word to Lily for weeks now, and he couldn't breathe.

"You can still change your mind, Prongs," Remus was saying. James rolled his eyes but grinned all the same. "Come and stay at my house." Remus was too protective over him. It was almost cute.

"Yeah Prongs it'll be fun," Sirius said, grinning slightly too widely.

James raised an eyebrow. "Yeah…well, if it's all the same to you, I'd rather not play the "let's see who Sirius can take the most clothes off of while they're sleeping" game."

"Aww, and here I was thinking you enjoyed that," pouted Sirius.

Peter looked scared. "Moony, can I sleep in your parent's bedroom??"

"Eww, no why?!" answered Remus, scrunching up his face.

Sirius laughed.

So apart from the group, James patted them all on the back in turn, ready to turn away from them for the coming weeks. But Sirius pulled him back and embraced him. The discomfort of being alone ever apparent even in their supposed closeness. Sirius pulled away and smiled. A genuine, brotherly smile, but one not empty of sadness and regret. James returned the smile, and watched as his friends left the castle; watched, until the last doors were shut, and then lay back down on his bed, and breathed.

* * *

James went to the Great Hall for breakfast. As he entered he looked around him to see who else was staying for Christmas. It wasn't many this year. Snape and most of the other Slytherins were vacant from the Slytherin table, which was a pleasant surprise. He looked to the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff tables – about ten in total were gathered at random ages. And at the Gryffindor table…Lily. His Lily. And…November. That was all from seventh year. And from sixth year for that matter. The other five or so were of names and ages he didn't care to try and remember. 

Ah November. He hadn't spoken to her since, since she kissed him. Suddenly guilt rose up into his chest. She was his friend. And he hadn't even realised he hadn't spoken to her since…since he kissed her back.

Now not even thinking of how he'd wanted to talk to Lily alone, he approached them at the Gryffindor table with November on his mind. Breathing in one last time, he sat down opposite them both and smiled.

James did actually wonder if he had a huge mole growing on his forehead at that point. Both Lily and November took to staring at him, still frozen in their previous conversation, and then November looked away as Lily moved again and smiled back, something that was obviously hard for her to do. "Hey James."

"Morning Lily," James said, managing not to die from just hearing her name on his lips again. "Morning November," he added, pointedly looking to her. She said nothing, and his heart broke.

Lily glanced at her and bit her lip, flicking her hair over her left shoulder, making James melt. "So, I guess you didn't go home with the guys then?"

James shook his head, offering no explanation. He was looking at November. Her straight black hair was lying partially in front of her face, so he couldn't clearly make out her expression. But he did get the hint that she didn't want to talk to him. Well. Not that she had a choice.

"November?" he said, ignoring Lily's attempt at conversation. No response came from November other than a grab of her spoon to dip into porridge. "November, look, we really need to talk." At this November looked up. She glanced at Lily but stopped, almost wincing. James knew her train of thought. Love triangles were always the most fun part of life. "November, I'm sorry," James said softly, practically forgetting there was anyone else around but them. "I know things have been…crappy, between us, but…"

"Don't even worry about it Potter," Em replied softly. "We were never good friends anyway."

She started to rise from the table, but Lily, surprising James with both the move and her presence, grabbed her friend's arm and yanked her down again. She gave her a stern look and nodded her head towards James. "Be nice. In case you haven't noticed, he _is _trying to apologise for being a jerk." Lily smiled at James and he was helpless not to grin back.

"Please 'Em. Come on, please. Forgive me, I was an arsehole that day…I was." He looked to Lily quickly before averting his eyes back to November. He hoped she saw that he was trying to apologise to her as well. "And I've been a jerk not talking to you for so long and not apologising sooner."

November looked at him. Her eyes were darting over his face, probably seeking truth, maybe just to look at him as she hadn't for a while. James wondered if she still had feelings for him, but then decided he'd rather not know. Eventually November's mouth split into a smile. "Ok then."

James grinned. "So are we friends again?"

"Sure." November nodded and smiled. Lily sighed overly-loudly.

"_Finally_," she said with a light air about her. She stood up. "Now that we can all be _friends_, LET'S GO SHOPPING!"

November grinned and James protested lightly at the idea, but he grinned and stood up as well anyway, and as they all left the great hall, he gulped down confusions about whether Lily meant the friends thing to be about him and her as well…

* * *

Hogsmeade was covered in icy snow. James grinned. It hadn't snowed up at the castle yet, but he supposed it would be layered in the thick wintery beauty when they returned later. The beautiful little town was even prettier, if that was possible, due to the almost fairytale-like buildings covered in the pure white as yet unspoiled and undirtied snow. James, with November to his right and Lily somewhere to 'Em's right, walked through Hogsmeade, enjoying the views of the winter wonderland whilst listening to the girls talk about glistening robes they'd just seen in a shop and would it suit November but then maybe the green wouldn't go with her hair and look at that midnight purple one that would be perfect for her and then a drag on James' arm as he was steered into the shop. 

It was obviously a shop for girls. James couldn't think of a single boy he knew who would wear pink robes. But even as a boy he could appreciate the beauty of some of the robes and dresses hanging around him. He watched as November and Lily fingered the material of some robes and caught Lily's eye as November threw a dress to her. She smiled shyly at him, as if afraid to do so, as if afraid to give anything away… James smiled back and leaned against the wall as she and November drew themselves away into changing rooms.

James waited, rolling his eyes occasionally at how long they were taking, tried to hide from an ex-girlfriend in Ravenclaw who laughed to her friends and joked about his sexuality and the size of his…friend. James didn't mind though. He had treated her terribly. And she'd never even _seen _his – manhood.

Eventually, November came out. Lily had been right, the dark purple dress looked amazing on her. James let his eyes widen and stroll down her body. "You look really nice," he said, carefully. Complimenting girls was hard. They got so difficult about it.

"Thanks James," November said as she clipped some black robes around her. James sighed in relief.

"Lily, come out and tell me what you think," called November into the booth Lily was in.

"Just coming," Lily called back.

As soon as she got out of the changing rooms, James' mouth actually dropped open.

It may have been a most uncomfortable moment in which he couldn't find the perfect words to describe how beautiful she looked without her reading too much into it, if November hadn't at that precise moment said, "Lily…you look hot. Man, if only I were a lesbian."

Lily burst out laughing with November and it was all James could do not to grin at them, making them laugh even harder.

Walking out of the shop forty minutes later (James practically ran), November had a new dress and new robes. "It just sucks you couldn't buy that dress, Lils."

Lily shrugged, but still looked beat up about it. James grinned. Girls were so cute about clothes. He looked down at his own worn dark blue jeans and black t-shirt. He didn't really get it. He doubted anything he wore could make him look tall dark and handsome. You had to be handsome to look, well, to look tall, dark and handsome.

"James looks deep in thought," pointed out November. "Let's poke him."

"No." James pulled away and grinned. "There shall be no poking."

"What were you thinking about?" Lily asked.

James shook his head. _I was just thinking about how I'd never even have a chance with anyone as beautiful as you… _"Nothing." A pause. "Listen, I haven't bought anyone any presents yet – "

"James!!" November hit him. "I did all my shopping a month ago."

"…Ow maybe?" James said indignantly.

Lily laughed. "Come on, we'll help you. Who do you need to buy for?"

"Well, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Priscilla, my parents…" he stopped. "Actually, I better go off and shop on my own." He groaned. "I hate buying girls things…" he mumbled.

November laughed. "Don't worry, we don't expect much."

"Why don't you go off now and we'll meet you at The Three Broomsticks at…1pm?"

James nodded, waved, and headed off. November was hard…Lily, however, he knew exactly what to buy for.

* * *

Things seemed to be ok between James and Lily. He hadn't much seen her on her own yet, but as a three, him, Lily and November got on really well, with no mention of love or kisses or misunderstandings. Which was quite perfect; in the spirit of Christmas, everything was peaceful and quite perfect. 

Christmas Eve and they were playing chess in the common room. Not that they ever played anything else. November had suggested spin the bottle with a small giggle, but as an uncomfortable silence had followed, it was decided chess was definitely the safer option. James was watching November and Lily play, whispering hints into Lily's ear every now and then, and receiving painful pokes from November in retaliation. He grinned. So this was what it felt like not to care. Not to be reminded every few seconds of how painful everything was, around Sirius, when he wasn't around Lily. Things didn't have to be so painful…

James looked down. Now he felt shit. He'd just thought that life was better without Sirius. How was that even possible? How…

He looked out the window absently. _Lollypops and sunshine,_ he thought. _Lollypops and sunshine…_

"Are you ok James?"

It was Lily. James looked at her and smiled gently, but said nothing. The easiest answer. He didn't have to lie and she didn't have to push. November didn't notice anything. She was concentrating on not losing her king. Eventually she stood up. "Ok I'm bored now."

Lily laughed. "Only because I was winning."

"Only thanks to me," James pointed out.

Lily laughed. "Fine," she said, standing. "What now, 'Em?"

"I'm hungry. It must be dinner time soon. Want to go for a walk outside first?"

"Sure. James?"

James shook his head. "Nah, I think I'm gonna go up to my dorm for a bit."

Lily nodded slowly and then shrugged lightly. "Ok. But," she added when November had walked a little way away, "if anything is up, you can talk to me, ok?"

James nodded thankfully, a true smile on his face. He watched Lily as he walked away. Felt the depression fade in as he had to watch her walk away again. Nearly sprang after her, as he could never bear the pain of being apart from Lily. He sighed, and stayed where he was, sinking back into the chair he'd risen out of. He was so weak.

After about twenty minutes of fun staring into space, James dragged his gloomy, depressed self up and up the stairs to his dorm. He sank into his bed and drew the covers up and over his head.

* * *

_Who ever heard of an insecure man?_

_Who ever heard of a man in despair_

_Over an insecure beauty?_

* * *

__

James woke up suddenly. He looked around him. He woke up suddenly like you do when you've just had a nightmare. But all he could remember were words, whispered to him...

James leaned back, rubbing his hands over his face, forgetting it. He looked at his watch. **8:04pm**. He'd missed dinner. Not caring too much, he swung his legs over the side of the bed and wondered how he had managed to sleep for three hours. He tried to blame stress, and then laughed at himself. Teenage angst wasn't stress. It was….angst. He was just in love. Just in love. Just in love.

He tried to tell himself that he was just in love, but, if anything, it made him feel even worse.

Just in love wasn't an obsession you had that made you fall out with your best friend time and time again.

Just in love wasn't carrying around pain with you every second of the day that you couldn't be with her, but was forced to think about her.

Lily wasn't his _just in love_.

She _was _love.

James rubbed his face again. _I think too much, _he thought, and then laughed to himself, quietly. He got up, smoothed out his top and ran his hands through his hair. What now?

Well, obviously, it was probably the perfect time to talk to Lily.

Not that he could even remember why he had wanted to talk to her in the first place. It seemed a stupid idea now. He had just wanted to apologise for not talking to her for ages, for them not seeming to be friends anymore. But the last few days had fixed all that…hadn't it?

But still James felt he owed it to his past self to go see her at least. With hope that November wasn't there. And with hope that he'd suddenly and magically find the right things to say.

James walked the length of his dorm, fighting the urge to kick Sirius' bed several times, as his usual remedy, and went down into the common room. Only a couple of small kids were around, laughing by the fireplace. Probably giddy about Christmas. James turned around to walk up to the girl's dormitory. He stopped. He couldn't walk up there. But Lily's Head Girl room was just to the left of him. He wondered if it was slightly more wrong of him to just walk into her own room than a room she shared with two others, but he had to find her, so he, for the first time ever, knocked on the Head Girl room, and slid inside.

No one was in there, naturally. But while he was there… James looked around. The walls were covered in posters of muggle rock bands and photos of her friends. James grinned when he saw a recent one of him and her, taken a few days ago by the lake. While Lily looked off the screen James grinned in her direction suggestively. Real James shook his head but smiled. It was quite a small room, but fine for just one person. A bed in the middle, a four-poster, just like the ones in the dorms, with purple bedsheets. There was a small table next to it, a chest on the floor at the foot of her bed, and a wardrobe shoved into her corner. James looked around, wistfully, when he spotted something on Lily's bed.

It was a sock. A little pink sock. James sat down on the bed and picked it up. He smiled. A little pink sock, odd, randomly sat on Lily's bed. It was small, and James imagined Lily's feet must be around size 4. He grinned. She had cute little feet. He remembered the foot war, and laughed outwardly. It was a few months ago. His Marauders against Priscilla, November and Lily. James hadn't joined in, for fear of Lily stalking off, but he had watched in amusement as each team tried to tickle the other team to death by their feet. Lily's feet were so small and barely ticklish, she had won her team the match.

James laughed again, happy he could remember stupid things like that about her. Even at a sad time, when they hadn't been talking, he was glad he could remember things like that.

Feeling a bit of a pervert and a stalker, James leaned down to the sock and sniffed it. He'd been wondering if it smelled like she did today – like peaches.

It did.

James grinned.

He decided he'd better leave before Lily came bursting in with questions about why he was sniffing his underwear. He walked over to her bedside table, where he could see another pink sock sticking out of the drawer. Not wanted to invade her privacy, James closed his eyes, opened her underwear drawer, dropped the sock in, and closed it again quickly before he was tempted to look.

Opening his eyes before he had a chance to look away was a bad idea.

On top of the table was a notebook.

It had scribblings all over it, and looked almost like a diary…

He couldn't.

James had turned a whole half a step away before he stopped. He turned back again. He looked to the diary. On it read _"Lily". _Simply, and beautifully, Lily. With a small flower next to her name, and then scribblings and doodles over the cover.

He couldn't. He most definitely shouldn't.

James turned away.

He _wouldn't._

This time James had made it towards the door before hesitating, hand hovering somewhere near the doorknob. He turned back and walked purposefully towards Lily's bedside table. He carefully lifted up the diary and held it in his hands, trembling. A quick look, full of guilt, at the door, and he flicked open the first page. It had Lily's full name on it, and even more doodles. James turned to the next page and realised that what he was holding wasn't exactly a diary – flipping through the pages he saw poem after poem of Lily's handwriting.

Realising he shouldn't but that it was too late anyway he went straight to about half way through the book, to the very last entry. None of the poems had titles above them. He found the last poem and read it.

**_I want to hold you till I die  
Tell me you'll lie with me forever  
We'll sit before the stars  
We'll whisper far and wide  
With Promises of a translucent fate  
Never to wake or to cry  
Lie with me as I die_…"**

James' heart felt a strange sink as the poem ended. Lily had written that? He sunk onto her bed. Lily had written that? It was so…not her. So out of character that James was almost certain she _hadn't_ written the poem. But, it was so beautiful…just like Lily. But so…

James stopped thinking for a moment. His eyes had widened in an effort to take in the words better. No way had Lily written that.

He read it again, this time, aloud, just to hear the effect of its whisper on his lips…

**_I want to hold you till I die  
Tell me you'll lie with me forever  
We'll sit before the stars  
We'll whisper far and wide  
With Promises of a translucent fate  
Never to wake or to cry  
Lie with me as I die_."**

James shook his head wonderingly. He flicked back a page, eager to read another one, desperate to solve some kind of mystery. He didn't know what though. It was Lily's hand, simple as that. Lily's thoughts…

Suddenly James felt incredibly guilty. He was prying into Lily's deep and private thoughts. He had absolutely no right…

James read another one, the second last page to be filled.

**"_So alone,_**

**_Cold inside.___**

_**Freezing up my bones,**_

_**Splitting apart my lungs,**_

**_Aching to my heart.___**

_**…It's been so long**_

_**Since I felt…**_

_**Since I felt life,**_

_**Since I felt purpose,**_

_**Since I felt such a smile**_

_**That would put one to your face.**_

**_It's been _so _long…_**

_**And still I look**_

**_Away.___**

_**Avoiding life's gaze**_

_**I walk in the shadows**_

_**Distant**_

**_Far away…___**

_**My bubble follows me everywhere**_

_**Does anybody care?**_

_**Does anyone care**_

_**That this life's gone wasted**_

_**That my misery**_

_**Feels indestructible…**_

_**Does anyone even notice?**_

_**Misery**_

_**Pushes me down**_

_**Closes my unwritten book…**_

**_Is there no one who would write it for me?_"**

Stun took James over as he finished the last line. "Hauntingly beautiful" were the only words that entered his mind. Along with the image of Lily's happy, smiling face… He guessed he wasn't the only one to put out the falsity occasionally. He heart ached for Lily. Was this how she felt? Uncared for, unloved? Not noticed by anyone? At that moment all he wanted to do was to find her and hug her and never let go.

"What the hell, James?"

At first he thought Lily's voice was all in his head. He looked up, and jumped off the bed, dropping the book to the fall. No chance of hiding it now.

Lily's face wasn't of anger, just of shock. She saw the book on the floor and her face became expressionless.

"Uh, hey Lily…wasup?" James said weakly.

Lily looked at him. "Have you been reading my poems?"

James hated himself. "I'm sorry Lily, I know I shouldn't have. I came in here to find you tex'cause I wanted to…to ask you something, and I saw the book and…and I'm a bastard I shouldn't have read your book I'm so sorry."

He paused, waiting for her to get angry, to get upset, to throw things at him, to yell at him, but none of it came. Instead she walked forward slowly and delicately picked up her notebook. She walked up to James. "How many did you read?" she asked, peering up into his face.

James was confused. This didn't feel right. Shouldn't she be really angry with him? "Only two," he said quickly. "The – the last two."

Lily flipped to the last two poems and nodded. "What did you think?" she asked.

Again, confusion. "They were – brilliant," he breathed out. "Beautiful, but…"

"But what?"

"I…never knew there was that kind of side to you. It was a little…scary," James admitted, embarrassed. He ran a hand through his hair.

Lily smiled slightly. "Yeah, well, we all have secrets…" she said ambiguously. James was about to speak when Lily added, "Do you want me to read you one?"

James blinked. "What?"

Lily shrugged. "Just wondered if you wanted me to read you another one. But it doesn't matter – "

"Oh, no, no, of course, I'd love to hear another poem, I think you write beautifully…" James said, all in one breath, desperate to hear more, just, if anything, to hear Lily speak to him without being angry.

Lily smiled, looking nervous yet confident all at the same time. "Ok. I wrote this one kind of recently." She held the book closer to her, and read aloud, as if just in one whispered, shaky breath.

**"_Looking_**

_**Searching**_

_**Searching your eyes for something else**_

_**Wondering**_

_**Thinking**_

**_What is behind those beautiful pearls of hazel?_"**

Lily looked up at James and then her eyes flickered down to the paper again. James' heart caught in his throat.

**"_Worried_**

_**Scared**_

_**Do you like me, as much as I like you?**_

**_As much as I like your eyes?_"**

She stopped and took a breath.

**"_As much as I love_**

_**Getting lost in those endless crystals**_

_**Feeling the power as my nerves tingle**_

_**Seeing your soul**_

_**Seeing your mind**_

_**Loving your every gazing thought**_

_**And then – **_

_**Close to tears as you turn your head**_

_**The gaze is broken**_

_**The moment lost**_

_**Close to tears**_

_**I hate the way**_

_**You turn from me**_

_**I hate the way**_

_**There's nothing to say**_

_**I hate the way**_

_**I lost sight of those perfect, pure hazels**_

_**Now gone**_

_**I hate the way**_

**_I can forget them so easily_…"**

James thought Lily's voice was choking up. He reached a hand out to touch her shoulder, but it reached her hair instead. He stroked it, softly, wonderingly.

**"_And forget how they looked_**

_**When you stared**_

_**When you saw through my locked doors**_

**_When for a moment_…"**

**She looked up at him, deep into his eyes, and he stared back, Lily reading the rest memorised.**

**"…_I allowed you to see_**

_**And you understood**_

_**Your kindness and wisdom**_

_**Shining brightly through your shiny jewels**_

_**You make me feel safe**_

_**You made me feel warm**_

_**Lost in an eternity of a second**_

_**Time has stopped**_

_**Frozen in your eyes…**_

_**I saw truth**_

_**And almost understood…"**_

Lily broke away and tucked a stray hair behind her hair, pulling away from James. She looked back down at her notebook.

**"_But time is endless_**

_**And never stops ticking**_

_**As the clocks go forward**_

_**So do our lives**_

_**So do your eyes**_

_**As you turn from me**_

_**I blink**_

_**It's gone**_

_**I turn away**_

**_And life goes on._"**

James was breathless. Lily gulped sightlessly and closed the book, still not meeting James' eyes. "Yeah, well, it's not very good, I just wanted to…"

A thousand thoughts were whizzing through James' mind, and his heart was hammering behind his chest, and he gently put a hand to Lily's cheek, and she looked up at him. Frozen, eyes locked together, finally, eyes locked together, Lily and James stared at each other wonderingly. Wondering if they dared, after so long without wondering; with straight denial…of what?

He couldn't do it. He couldn't. Even locked in a moment he was too afraid. James looked away but Lily took her turn to hold his head in her hand. She turned him back and stared at him, a smile playing around in her eyes. She slowly leaned forward, and let her lips brush against his.

It wasn't a kiss. Not really. Not long enough to count. But James felt it, and let his whole body turn towards his Lily, reacting to her every move. He brushed his lips against hers, his eyes closed. They hesitated, waiting, feeling the silence, feeling each other's breath against their own, James' hand on Lily's waist, the other hesitant, Lily's two hands both against James' head.

They could feel each other, and they were barely touching, liking the teasing air that still lay between them.

James broke the silence, and moved towards her again, letting his lips react to the touch of hers. Lily kissed him back. He let his other hand come up to her waist, and stroked it up her side, feeling her hands in his hair. They were being gentle, both so afraid of destroying something so delicate and important to them. Not wanting to hurry what they had been waiting so long for.

Suddenly, after teasing each other to the point of desperation, James suddenly couldn't stand being apart from Lily, even though he'd been doing it his whole life. He moved towards her with such a force that she hit the wall behind her. James was about to pull away, worried he was being too rough, when Lily pushed towards him with the same force. They were kissing, holding each other, arms wrapped around the other afraid to let go. In a hungry desperation they kissed, they lips brushing with a powerful force, James' lips parting hers, playing with her, teasing her.

And then Lily laughed. It was a happy sound, empty of mockery. James could feel her lips smile against his and he kissed her even harder, pressing his whole body against hers. She stopped laughing, and let her hands roam over his back as he did the same. He pulled her backwards onto the bed and they collapsed together, oblivious of any location or matter to what they were doing. James needed her with such a longing he could feel several thousands of butterflies in his stomach and in his throat and his mind was ringing alarm bells but he ignored all of it, all of it, because he was with Lily, and nothing else mattered. None of it. He was with Lily, and she was with him.

They were kissing. On Lily's bed. She was lying on top of him, her body pressing hard against his.

He didn't know…should he…was he supposed… James couldn't stop the thoughts flying into his head.

"Lily…" he said softly against her lips. Lily brushed his lips again and stopped, breathless, still just a breath away from his face.

"Don't. You don't have to," she whispered. She slid off him and under the blankets. He did the same. She moved close to him and hugged him, snuggling against his body, kissing him again, and again, and a third time, feeling the taste of him next to her. "Don't think," she said softly, letting her eyes open and stare into his. "Just…hold me. Sleep next to me."

James nodded, loving the sight of her eyes, so close to his. He kissed her, twice, and then let her lie near him, his arms wrapped around her, still breathing heavily. He didn't think about anything, nothing at all, just let the knowledge of his Lily finally lying by him send him into an easy and perfectly peaceful sleep.


	16. Perfectly In Love

**

* * *

"Everybody Hurts"**

**Rowan Arkenson**

**Summary: **Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems...

**Disclaimers:** I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine.

**A/N: **James and Lily James and Lily James and Lily FINALLY I hear you scream and grin. That last chapter was lush to write. But yes. Hate me for this next chapter. So, it's all coming to an end. I know this chapter is short but I didn't want to continue it where I've stopped it. So there's this chapter, then one more, and then eighteen will be the prologue, and I think that's it. Listen to Tori Amos, Radiohead, or Johnny Cash's "Hurt" if you want a recommendation of what to listen to while you read this chapter. smiles my inspirations. Love you all. I'm gonna miss this story so much when it finishes :( but no, I'm not doing a sequel. It would ruin the whole thing I feel. Review please. -rowanx

* * *

**Chapter Sixteen – Perfectly In Love**

****

He opened his eyes before she did, but it was her eyes that regained their focus first. She smiled, and reached out to stroke James' hair that had fallen to his eyes. He smiled back at her, quietly. Not reaching for his glasses, he left them where they had fallen into the bed and let Lily move her hand over his eyes and down his face. She leaned forward and kissed him gently, closing her eyes and letting herself fall into his embrace again. James tried to remember his dreams. They had come in a flash and had left just as soon as the sun had flittered through an open window to wake James up. He shook his head lightly. It didn't matter. He leaned forward and kissed Lily on her forehead.

James realised now that his favourite thing to do was to wake up lying next to Lily. It felt so natural, as if he were waking up in a king-size bed all to himself after a twenty hour dreamless sleep. It was perfect.

Perfect… James frowned. Perfect. So perfect…that… He shook his head again but this time couldn't stop the doubts flittering through.

_So perfect, could it really be trusted?_

Things were perfect with Sirius before James found out he was cutting himself again. That he'd been cutting himself whilst James had thought things had been perfect.

Ah. Sirius.

Sirius…

Did he still like Lily? Was this wrong? Against the rules James had said he would have always kept for Sirius?

Slowly, James let himself become untangled from Lily as he moved away.

She opened her eyes again. "Good morning," she said, with a smile on her face as she let herself sit up properly.

James smiled back, unsure. "Uh, yeah. G-good morning…" What now? Were they going out now? They'd kissed…several times. Heaven; the best place he'd ever been was last night in Lily's bedroom, with Lily.

But what now?

What about Sirius?

James slid off the side of the bed and stood up, feeling stiff from wearing his clothes to bed. Again.

"James?" Lily asked, getting out as well. "What's wrong?"

_She knows me too well_, James thought. _When did that happen?_

"Uh, yeah." James scratched his head. "Is the part where we need to…ya know, talk about things, or can we happily let the talking not happen?"

Lily smiled sympathetically. She sat on the side of the bed. She linked her fingers into James' and gently pulled her down next to her. "I know the talking sucks but we can't just ignore what happened last night can we?" She looked at James for some kind of sign as to how he was feeling but he wouldn't meet her eyes. "Tell me. What are you thinking?"

When James still wouldn't look at her or say anything, Lily smiled and opened her mouth to think.

Had James known she was about to say something perhaps he wouldn't have mentioned what he said next at all. "Sirius."

Lily stopped, mouth open in mid-air. She shut it quickly as James turned to her.

He stood up. "I don't think I can. …S-sorry."

He walked quickly, going over to the door, and opened it.

To see November standing outside.

James moved backwards, embarrassed, running his hands through his hair.

November opened her mouth, and saw Lily in bed, under the covers, for all she knew with no clothes on. 'Em was holding two small square present, both wrapped in blue paper with reindeers on it. James watched as tears welled up in his new friend's eyes as she dropped, or rather threw, the presents onto the floor.

"Great," she said sarcastically, sounding more hurt than angry. "Merry Christmas to you too." Turning around, she walked away slowly, as if knowing James wasn't about to go after her.

Lily, though, stood up, hands over her face, banging her head against the wall several times.

James couldn't stand it. He walked over to Lily and pulled her away from the wall, hugging her and letting her lean her head into his shoulder.

After a few moments he whispered into her hair, "You'd better go after her."

Lily looked up at him, exhaustion in her face. Holding his hand until the last possible second, she let go, and walked out of the room. James didn't let himself watch her leave.

* * *

James was standing in his dormitory. His hand was rested on a post. A present covered with blue wrapping paper was held loosely in his other hand. He stared at the floor. He wasn't even thinking. Just staring, blankly. Deciding he hated it all. The usual teenage angst. The usual hatred of a Christmas that's never as perfect as you feel it should be.

The present glittered temptingly in James' hand. He looked down. Slowly, he dropped his right hand down to it and began to tear off the reindeers until he uncovered a photo frame that made him wince inwardly and have to look away. The photo was one of him and November and Lily. It must have been from just a few days ago. They were in the common room, messing around by the fire. They all looked so happy together, even though they'd been pushed into the newly found friendship that came from everyone else leaving them.

He couldn't bear to look at it.

Had he lost all of his friends?

James opened the door of his dormitory, stepping out slowly. He contemplated walking down the stairs. He thought about going back in his room. He turned back, and stepped forward again. With an indecisive decisiveness he walked calmly down the stairs, his breathing and his heart going mad. November and Lily were sitting together on the sofa, talking. November was positioned slightly away from her, head looking down. As soon as James' feet touched the bottom of the staircase both girls looked up.

James didn't know what to do. Should he smile? Crack a joke? Apologise profusely for…whatever it was they were both mad at him for?

Instead he simply looked at them both, mouth open a little, ready to say something, when nothing came out. He looked away, frowned, and then walked straight past them, feeling extremely out of place, hands in pocket, walking out through the portrait hole.

* * *

It was when James had walked half way round the lake when Lily caught up with him at a run. She walked beside him for a while. He was glad he had his hands in his pockets, or he would be worried about whether he should hold her hand or not. They walked in silence, James staring at the ground before him, Lily staring at the frozen over water.

James was feeling annoyingly stubborn, and decided that since Lily was the one to come and find him, she could be the one to talk first.

But as it turned out, the second that one word filled the cold air from Lily's mouth, James realised there was a ton of things he wanted to say.

"James…"

"Ok look Lily it doesn't even matter ok?" James didn't look at her. "It doesn't even matter."

Lily stared him. "What doesn't matter? Last night doesn't matter?"

"No, no I didn't…"

"Fine Potter if last night was just another of your usual times with those girlfriends you throw around then fine. I thought…" she stopped, breathing out and looking away. "That maybe…"

"I felt something for you?" James finished for her, stopping and turning to her. She looked up at him, eyes icy cold and looking irresistible and she shivered in her robes. James _just _managed not to wrap his arms around her. "It doesn't matter," he said again. "It doesn't matter if I like you, it doesn't matter if I ever liked you. It would be nice if you liked me," he said with a wry smile, "but it wouldn't matter, because I can't anyway."

"Can't what?" Lily put her hand on James' arm as he tried to walk on. "Can't be with me, couldn't ever love me?"

James smiled again and looked away. He ran his hand through his hair, and looked up at the falling snow for a few moments. Lily stood, patient, waiting. "I already do love you," James said quietly. Lily didn't say anything. "I already have loved you forever," he said, smiling. "As forever as it hurts to do.

"James…"

"No, don't bother." He started to walk away. "We can't anyway."

"Why not?" Lily ran up to him and placed herself in front of his foot steps so that he couldn't run away. He couldn't look at her. Looking at her meant not to breathe, and he needed all his breath to be able to say no to her.

"Sirius, November…what about them?"

"That's not your fault, James. And it's not mine either," said Lily desperately. She moved to brush a hand against his cheek. "You can't help who you fall in love with."

James grabbed her hand and gently pushed it away. "I know. But Sirius loves you and I love him." He shook his head. "When you two went out, it was…the end of the world for me." He looked up at the sky and then over to the sea, biting back the tears. "We argued, we fought…it was my fault he – it was my fault he tried to kill himself…"

James sunk to the ground, sitting right at the edge of the lake and staring out over it. He still wasn't looking at her but he could feel Lily sitting down beside him.

"No, no it's not your fault," she said softly. "No way is it your fault. You were mad at him and…I can understand that you, you probably had every right to be. But his parents were awful James. It wasn't just me or you or anyone – he was just…"

A smile from James shut her up. "Don't try explaining it, Lil. It was partly everything. And partly me." To this she had nothing to say. James could feel his words choking up and he closed his eyes. "What if…he'd…….died………."

James put a hand over his face. He stood up, ignoring the fact that he was practically crying in front of Lily. "I can't, ok. I can't love you I can't go out with you I can't be with you.

"James, you can't babysit Sirius. If he ever wanted to – do it again – there'd be nothing you could do to help – "

"Shut up." James stared hard at Lily, angry. "Shut up ok don't even – just – just go away."

Lily nodded slowly. She looked away and then back again. "Fine. I was just trying to help. But fuck you. I never loved you either."

She walked past him, not touching him, her hands folded, and ran back up to the castle. James didn't take his eyes away from the spot where she had been standing. He closed his eyes and collapsed to the ground, lying there and shaking for a very long time.


	17. In Flames and In Snow

**"Everybody Hurts"**

**Rowan Arkenson**

**Summary: **Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems...

**Disclaimers:** I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine. The verse at the end of this is from "Maya" by Sugababes.

**A/N: **sob last chapter. Well, technically, second last chapter, but the next one's just a prologue. I'm gonna miss you all!! And I'm gonna miss my James, and my Sirius, and my Lily, and my very own November…. cries BUT woo please love me and add me to your alerts if you haven't already cause you love me and I'll probably start another hp story you can read :D lol. Now, before you do anything else, go find your old corrs albums or downloading system (naughty, lol) and listen to "Lough Erin Shore". It's BEAUTIFUL and reminds me of where James is somewhen during this chapter… Pretty Scotland. Loch Tay is actually a real place and can be searched for on google under images and "loch tay", surprisingly. lol.

I'm breaking my all James thing. This chapter is split into different POVs. But it's still all ok I think.

Please review and enjoy the nearly last chapter.

(OH MY GOD IT'S FINISHED!!! Wow…the end of an era… next chapter: proper prologue, proper conclusions, not a smidgen of angst, and a lovely round up to this lovely ending :D)

-rowanx

**Chapter Seventeen – In Flames and In Snow**

****

Lily sat by the embers in the fire. To anyone else watching she would have appeared to be fast asleep, her gentle eyes closed and her body wrapped up into itself on the arm chair defensively. But as soon as November walked into the common room, Lily's eyes snapped open with awareness, and she looked towards her best friend. "Well? Did you talk to him?"

With a shrug and a shake of the head. "I couldn't find him," she replied, taking off her jacket and throwing it over a chair.

"What?" Lily sat up suddenly, letting her legs drop from the chair to the ground.

"I couldn't find him," November repeated. She sat opposite Lily. "He wasn't by the lake where you said, he wasn't at the tree. I checked the quidditch pitch, the great hall, the hospital wing, the astronomy tower, even the library – no surprises he wasn't there."

Lily stood up, her pulse rate evident in her stricken expression as her heart raced. "And that doesn't worry you?! The fact that you couldn't find him anywhere?" Lily started up to the boy's dormitory.

"Well, I hadn't really thought about it…" she heard her friend call.

Lily threw open the door. No one was around. Everything was exactly where it should be. She didn't really think James could be up here, she'd ran straight up to the common room after they'd fought.

Running back down the stairs Lily saw November standing and twiddling her fingers together. "He might be in Hogsmeade," she said quickly.

"I know, but we could be looking all day," Lily said practically.

A thought struck her.

"Sirius," she said. And ran to the fireplace.

"Sirius?" November echoed.

Lily picked up the floo powder. "If anyone knows where James will have gone, Sirius will."

* * *

At noon on Christmas day the air was a bitter cold, scraping against James' skin as he climbed the mountain. It had stopped snowing, but the wind was even worse, ripping against him as he stumbled forward, tears ever apparent at his eyes, through all the physical pain and all the dead emotions spilling through him. James frowned at the ground, blaming the grass and stones and dirt beneath him for all the worries and insecurities that were flying through his head that seemed so trivial – yet so life destructing.

* * *

Sirius was sat by the fire, a warm comfort to his shivering body. He had no idea where Remus and Peter were. Christmas morning and he had no idea where his friends were. Or the parents for that matter. He looked at his watch. Around 12 noon. He was in the spare room, having taken his bed covers over to the fire and wrapped them around himself, feeling cold on the carpeted floor. It was cold. He wondered if he should shut the window but apathy and a certain amount of self-hatred stopped him. Maybe he didn't deserve to be warm on Christmas day. He glanced to the fireplace and waited patiently for the flickers of painful memories to pass quickly. He remembered taking his arm in one hand and wondering how much it would burn. If it would catch aflame or simply hold still and grow black. Remembered wondering if it would hurt desperately or just bring a quiet sort of salvation that he was getting what he deserved. Sirius flung the covers off of himself and stared at his arm for quite some time. Lifting the sleeve of his left arm and there was immediately a knock at the door. Sirius looked up instantly, looking unruffled by the disturbance. He pulled his sleeve down again and opened the door wide, adjusting his face to hide any emotions. 

"Padfoot! Did you just wake up?" Peter searched Sirius' face.

He nodded and rubbed his eyes for effect. He yawned and laughed at the same time. "Now where's my presents?" he asked straight-forwardly and made for the front room.

Remus looked up as he came in and grinned. "Merry Christmas," he said, looking contendly at the mountains of presents beneath the tree.

He grinned and lunged in what he thought would be a rather Sirius-like manner at the presents. The effect he'd wanted was created, and everyone laughed as Sirius and Peter tried to find their presents and Remus went to fetch his parents from the kitchen.

"Sirius!"

Peter and Sirius turned around, jumped, as Lily's whole body appeared from the fireplace. Sirius was stunned and took a step back but Peter moved forward.

"Lily? What are you doing here?" he said, welcomingly.

Lily brushed soot down from her arms. She looked up, and smiled quickly at Peter. "Merry Christmas, guys," she said with a quick flicker at Sirius. Sirius looked away from her.

"Bags I get the biggest present." Remus walked in with a grin but stopped suddenly. He saw Lily and walked up to her. "Lily! What – " He stopped, half way towards her, a foot literally suspended momentarily in the air. "Where's Padfoot?" he asked quickly. Sirius looked up. "Where's November, what's wr-"

Remus' parents walked in. Remus took one look at them, looked at Lily and walked back again. "Parents," he said gravely, "I'm afraid I must inform you that we must return immediately to the castle for uh…for a…"

"Leg waxing."

Sirius looked at Peter, who shrugged pathetically.

Mr. Lupin raised an eyebrow. "A…leg-waxing?"

"Oh yes, darling," said Mrs. Lupin, nodding her golden head positively. "Used to be quite a ritual in old pagan times." She smiled at her son. "Just make sure you're back for dinner. We've got a nice turkey in the oven."

Remus stared at his parents in disbelief. "Ok then…cool. So uh, I guess we'll just go to our…leg waxing?" Mr. and Mrs. Lupin smiled down at their son.

"O…k then so we'll be off."

Lily went back through the fireplace first, closely followed by Peter. Remus had just grabbed the floo powder pot when Mr. Lupin called out, "You be careful with that razor, son. We don't want it going near any…" he coughed, "special places.

Remus was shaking his head in utter disbelief and making his way through the flames when he heard his mother say, "Oh no dear you've got it all wrong. You're _meant _to shave up there…"

* * *

Stumbling through the portrait hole, Remus said, "I can't believe my parents know what leg waxing is." 

November stood up. She looked panicked but then stopped. "Wait, why were you talking to them about leg waxing?"

"It was Peter's fault," mumbled Remus.

Lily stood herself between November and Remus, with Sirius and Peter stood somewhere awkwardly in front of her. "Ok can we save this til later? Surprisingly I didn't call you down here to discuss leg waxing."

Sirius collapsed into a chair, still not meeting anyone's eyes and Peter came forward.

"Oh yeah, yeah Lily – what happened?" he asked.

Lily was careful not to immediately look to Sirius at this one. Instead she stared straight into Remus' eyes. "We think…we think that James has gone."

"What?" Sirius had stood up quickly. "He's gone what do you mean he's gone?"

"In that we can't find him," said 'Em by way of explanation.

Sirius bolted up the stairs to the dormitory. "I think we already looked there!" Lily yelled, annoyed.

"He's taken the photo," Sirius said to Remus and Peter. Both boys nodded in a sudden desperate understanding.

"Wait what photo, what?" asked Lily.

"When did you see him last?" rushed Sirius, walking straight to Lily.

Momentarily shocked by his forced eye contact, Lily stuttered. "I – well, last night, he – we…"

"They had sex last night," November filled in.

Everyone stared at her, and then at Lily.

She rolled her eyes. "We did not. We just fell asleep together." She stared determinedly at a lip-biting Sirius. "That was all," she said, hoping the promise shone through her voice. Though she didn't quite understand why it was important to her that Sirius knew that. James was the one with the problems.

"Ok, and then what happened?" asked Remus, breaking the silence.

"Well…" Lily looked apologetically at November who shrugged with a small smile. "Well, November walked in, and…sort of…"

"We all know I fancy the fuck out of James right?" November laughed shortly. She looked out the window. "No shock there. No worries there." She shrugged again, half to herself. "I got upset and walked out and Lily followed me."

"James had said that…" Lily stopped, suddenly worried about how much she could say. She glanced at Sirius.

He shrugged. "Go ahead, whatever, me and Prongs have scrapped enough already I probably already know what he said about me."

Lily looked at him, suddenly angry. "Look, he said that he wouldn't go out with me – because of you." Sirius stood stock still, staring at her.

"…What?"

"We kissed, and it was amazing, and then we fell asleep together, and one of the first things he said when we woke up was that he couldn't be with me because of _you_," she said, pointing a finger right in Sirius' face. "Because he couldn't stand losing you again, Sirius, and because he couldn't stand the thought that you might…" She stopped, breathless. She didn't need to finish the sentence. She looked away, arms folded. After a while, she said, quietly, "Have you any idea where he went?"

Sirius looked at his feet, eyebrows creased. He walked over to the window and stared out of it, over the hills. "Yeah. Yeah, I think I might have some idea." He left the portrait hole with no further words, his friends following after him quickly, leaving the fire burning in the hearth to kindle away at their lingering paranoia over James…

* * *

Loch Tay was frozen over in the deep cold. James thought he could feel the ice reaching up to his spine, giving him constant shivers and running the guilt and pain through his mind over and over again. He felt red hot in his brain, with so many doubts crossing it again and again. What was he doing? Why was he here? On top of this hill, staring at the lake, on Christmas day, when right back at the castle, Lily was… 

He'd stood up several times, vowing to go back, and then had stopped himself and forced sitting down. He couldn't. All he did was ruin people's lives. Couldn't be a good friend to Sirius, or to Lily…couldn't be good for anything to Lily…

James, shivering through his thin jumper, reached a hand into his jean pocket and drew out a photo frame. Gold, and silver, and far from tacky, it held a picture of his Lily. Stood against a background of a Wintery Hogsmeade, it had been taken exactly a year ago, on Christmas day. All of Sixth year Gryffindor had, unusually for once, all been staying at Hogwarts over the holiday, and all went to Hogsmeade together. This photo had been taken by someone, and James can't even remember how he'd managed to get hold of it. Maybe he'd taken it himself. Lily wasn't looking at the camera, so he supposed he could have done. They probably weren't talking back then.

Snowflakes in her hair, a thick coat on, Lily was turned to a shop window, in an extremely unglamorous manner that made her so glamorous and captivated simply everything that James loved about her. That smile on her face that made him remember she'd been laughing. The eagerness to which she stared at a dress in a shop window; that admiration of beauty that didn't stop her from seeing the beauty in everything. She wore a strange expression on her face, that didn't make her look the prettiest James had ever seen her, but he loved her even more for it; it was a reminder she wasn't perfect. She was human, like him, and she wasn't perfect. Which was perfect for James. Perfection was lost on trophy winners. He just wanted…he just wanted Lily.

"Nice photo." James didn't looked up, simply paused. Slowly, he put the frame back inside his pocket. "It's been a year, great it's still in such good condition, despite the amount of times you've handled it."

Sirius sat down next to James on the snow and shivered. "Man it's freezing up here. A guy could die waiting up here forever." He looked at James, whose vision line was still fixated on the lake below. "Or perhaps that was the point?" Sirius shrugged. "If it was me and I'd copped out of running away to Hogsmeade station, a one-way ticket to wherever thank you very much, I wouldn't wait for the cold to get me. You know there's a much easier way to do it. If you just know how to handle your knife, but…actually," he said with a little laugh, "that didn't actually work for me too well did it? Though to be fair it did certainly make life a lot easier for us. You know, being able to pretend we didn't hate each other. I can't imagine you'd want to leave without telling Lily how much you love her though would you? Maybe you could take her with you, leave me like I left you? Revenge?"

James was staring open-mouthed at his best friend. He frowned and stood up suddenly. "What the fuck Sirius?" he said, literally fucking shocked. "What did you just say?"

Sirius shrugged, not looking all that sorry. He stayed on the floor, stretching his legs out. "I just said what you just needed to hear." He looked up at James and then stood. "It's all true and you know it." James looked away but Sirius grabbed his shoulder, forcing him back. "No. If I can say all this, surely you can." He waited, but James said nothing, just staring at him with a powerful hatred. "James. James, I tried to kill myself. Just say it." Another pause. Sirius pushed James to the ground. "Fucking say it."

James forced himself upright. "You tried to kill yourself!" he said, practically yelling. "There, does that make anything better?"

"Yes! It does actually! Fuck, aren't you sick of all this lying? All this denial? James, we hated each other for a while. We fought over a girl, we hated each other, and I tried to kill myself."

"Dude is there a fucking point to this or have you just gone insane?"

Sirius stared at James, arms folded.

James flung his arms up in the air. "You're insane. We fought over a girl, we fought over Lily, we hated each other, yes, and you tried to fucking kill yourself. You tried to kill yourself. And if it wasn't for Peter, you would have succeeded. If it wasn't for me, if it wasn't for Peter…" he stopped, mid-sentence, suddenly feeling breathless. He looked away from Sirius. "If it wasn't for Peter…"

Sirius walked towards James gently. "How much do you love her, Prongs?" he asked, softly.

"What?" James asked.

"How much do you love her?"

James blinked. "I never loved her more than…I mean, I would never chose – "

"I know. It's ok dude, I know. We're like brothers, right?" Sirius grinned. "We fight, we ignore each other, we tease each other. But, brothers always love each other really, right?" James nodded, smiling. "And I know you wouldn't chose Lily over me. But you don't have to chose me over her either."

James looked confused.

"I think you were right. I don't think I was ever hugely in love with Lily, Prongs." Sirius looked away. "Maybe it _was_ partly to get back at you. I was so mad that… But never mind all that." He shook his head. "It doesn't matter. But I'm sorry." He looked up at James who just shrugged.

"I would have done it too," he admitted. He looked at Sirius for a while and then smiled gently. "How did you know I'd be up here?"

Sirius grinned. "This is part of a brother's job isn't it?" He shrugged. "It's where I would have gone. A resonating peace, just the birds up here, just the cold, just the thoughts, maybe it would have been enough to send you to a peaceful death without actually having to murder yourself…"

James pulled Sirius to him and the two friends hugged, clinging onto each other, for the first real time in weeks; all distances and fires between them gone; faded in an instant.

All tension gone, they pulled apart and James laughed lightly. As the two began to make their way back down the hill, side by side, Sirius said, "So what were you gonna do coming up here anyway?"

Shrugging, James admitted, "Well I did go to Hogsmeade station first…I guess I just didn't know where to go. I figured coming up here might at least clear my head."

"Of…Lily?" Sirius teased.

James didn't say anything.

"So what's going to happen between you two?"

"I don't know." James grinned at Sirius. "To be honest I'm just glad we're friends again at the moment."

Sirius looked insulted. "Hey, when were we not friends?"

James pushed him over. Laughing at the rejected look on his friend's face he turned himself into the stag and started galloping down the icy hill, hearing a dog bark from behind all the way.

* * *

It had started to snow again. But back at the castle, the fire was roaring and James and Sirius felt an inner warmth as well that was almost contagious. Neither had got the other a Christmas present, and it didn't seem needed or necessary anyway. They simply sat in the old arm chairs by the hearth and laughed together. Over such stupid things that perhaps wouldn't have been so funny if they hadn't felt the need to just laugh together. 

The portrait hole swung open and four people made their way through it. They stopped short at seeing Sirius and James together and the leader made her way forward, hitting Sirius on the arm and going to hug James.

"Sirius!" exclaimed November. "You could have told us you'd found him!"

James pulled away. "Found me?" He looked to Sirius, puzzled. "What do they mean?"

"No idea, mate." Sirius grinned and chinked his wine glass towards James', both taking a huge gulp and then laughing hysterically.

Remus couldn't help but grin. "Well I'm glad you two have been enjoying yourselves while we've been out in the freezing cold."

James stood. "Have my chair, my friend. I offer it to you in your hour of need." He bowed and went to sit on Sirius, who made a huge thing of protesting about it.

As Peter moved forward to join in the well-being, Lily was stood at the back, feeling awkward, and almost angry, and completely left out. James saw her look at him dangerously and he stared back at her for a moment before standing and walking up to his dormitory. Lily followed him. The noise in the common room grew strangely quiet.

* * *

James leaned against a bedpost, staring at the floor. Lily looked at him intensely, simply standing, as if waiting for an explanation. But James didn't really know what she wanted him to say. 

"Lily, I…" he stopped. "I – it wasn't…"

Lily stepped forward. "Let me help you out here. You had one bad night of a mistake, and instead confronting me honestly, you pretended it was because of Sirius, even thought it would be obvious to anyone else that Sirius doesn't exactly like me anymore, and then you run off instead of waiting for me and dealing with it."

James was appalled, and watched as Lily left the dormitory, slamming the door behind her. Wait. That wasn't… he looked at the floor for a moment, looked up, frowned, and ran after her.

He found her conveniently in the middle of the common room and caught her arm. "Wait…" he said quietly, not wanting the others to hear, even though it probably would have been hard for them to miss it, staring at him in silent anticipation and all.

"James, I can't be bothered," Lily said exasperatedly, and turned to go.

James looked at Sirius, who put a gun to his own head. James rolled his eyes. But Remus seemed to be urging him to go after her, which the seemed the more sensible solution, so James followed it.

"Lily I love you," said James, forcefully, after a moment's hesitation.

Lily paused. She turned back, and studied him for a few seconds. Then she said, "James, you said that last night. What makes you think I'm going to believe you now?"

"Because – because you should," James said pathetically. He looked at Remus, who just shrugged. Helpful. "Because we're friends," he tried. "Because, because, like you were saying, I always look away from things." He walked up to her. "But look at me." He stared deeply into her eyes and she looked back, hope and a little bit of fear sparkling up at him. "I'm not looking away now, am I? I love you. And I just told you that. And I didn't look away. You make me want to face up to everything, to never look away from anything. Or at least never from you."

Lily smiled as James' hand stroked her hair. It was a beautiful moment.

Until Peter had the grace to make puking noises. James looked over at his friends and saw Remus rolling his eyes. "Right you lot, upstairs," he ordered, practically pushing Peter, Sirius and November up to the boys' dormitories. James could hear faint whines from Peter and Sirius, with mumblings of: "Aww but I wanna seeee," drifting down the stairs.

James took his hand away from Lily. He smiled gently. "Do you believe me yet?"

Lily bit her lip. "I…yes. I guess so," she said shyly, now looking towards the ground, but grinning.

James laughed. He looked at her for a moment and then said, "Wait here a second, I'm gonna go get something." He ran up the stairs to his dormitory, leaving her there helplessly. As soon as he entered the room, four voices started talking to him at once but he ignored them, grabbing the bundle from under the bed and holding it behind his back as he slammed the door behind him and walked back down to the common room.

He walked up to Lily, grinning. She raised an eyebrow, standing in the same spot where he had left her. "Sorry it's not wrapped," he apologized, handling her the beautiful long maroon dress she had seen in the store. It was strapped at the top, and tight down to the waist, where it started to go out, down to her ankles.

James began to worry, as Lily was simply staring at the dress, not saying a word. Was this a good thing? He coughed. "Um…yeah…do you like it?" he asked nervously.

Lily gaped at her friend. "James! Do I – oh my god James! I love it!!" She hugged him fiercely, but he wondered if she was hugging the dress more, and laughed.

"Oh my god, I _have _to go and put this on like RIGHT NOW."

James chuckled softly. "Wait," he said, and his grin faded. "I told you, now you have to tell me." Lily nodded slowly. James breathed in deeply. "Do…do you love _me_?"

The reaction Lily took to James' question was the worst he could have imagined her doing. She bit her lip, and looked away.

James smiled and looked down at his feet, gulping. "Ok, that's fair enough. I guess it's not a very fair question. You can't help it. I mucked things up too much. I guess I didn't really expect you to, not after all this time and all. It's ok." He turned away but Lily stopped him.

"No, James, listen, just wait a sec…

"Lily, what – " James stopped. He wasn't going to get angry. …No, wait, fuck that, yes he was. "What do you want me to say? I've been in love with you for nearly three years now."

Lily's mouth was literally hung open. She stared at James for a while. "…Three years?" she repeated softly.

"Yeah well feel free to mock me," mumbled James averting her intense gaze. "Like I said, I didn't really expect you to…"

"James stop." He did so, but didn't look up. "Ok, I have to explain this to you. And…please try and let me understand it myself before you say anything, ok?" James nodded, miserably, and looked up at Lily. She breathed in deeply, and looked away for a moment before she gazed back at him, and spoke. "James, there are a million ways to describe love; a million songs, a million poems, a million words." She paused. "I don't think I love you." James nodded, dejected, his heart crumpled into sharp pieces. He looked down but Lily touched his face gently and he looked up at her again. "What…what I feel for you, is – so much more than that." James' heart started to thump. "If I said you made my heart soar, I wouldn't be saying it enough. If I said you made my throat dry whenever I talked to you, that still wouldn't be right. If I said I would die without you...not even that. My love for you goes beyond anything anyone could draw or sing or write. My love for you is like the air, like the wind, like the feeling in your heart when you know something is just right, but have no logic to explain it. My love for you throws away all common sense and plunges right into what I know may be wrong but refuse to believe it could be. Because if it's so wrong, then what is 'right'? Maybe I don't want 'right'. Maybe all I want is you. And I believe that because I have to. Because somewhere gone past my brain, somewhere that sends electric signals down my arms when you touch me, somewhere that makes my spine tingle whenever you're near, somewhere that makes me breathe less whenever it seems I need breathe to talk to you, to kiss you...somewhere, inside of me, I know with more certainty than I've ever known something in my whole life, that I can't live without you. I – I couldn't live without you."

James was shocked. He really couldn't find any words that would suit the aftermath of a speech like that. Lily even had tears in her eyes, as she looked up at him, expectantly, worriedly, hesistantly. James didn't know what to say. His brain was still somewhere having a hard time of trying to register that Lily had just said she couldn't live without him.

Natural instinct overtook any thoughts, and James smiled softly. Lily bit her lip and smiled back at him. James leaned in to Lily – his hand stroking her beautiful, soft red hair, another hand touching her delicate shoulder, her breath on his, their souls entwined – and kissed her.

* * *

_There are worlds within worlds that keep rotating_

_And so many thoughts that flow through my mind_

_If this universe keeps on shrinking_

_We'll be together in time_

_

* * *

_

**xx**


	18. Epilogue You're not alone

**"Everybody Hurts"**

**Rowan Arkenson**

**Summary: **Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems...

**Disclaimers:** I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine. Little verses are songs that have been in other chapters or just general. REM, Taproot, Sugababes. Yum.

**A/N: **cries I love you all, I will miss you all, I especially love Emrisah, Aurelie1, PammaPotter, my lovely zoeemma, and anyone else who has stayed with me throughout the story. Though I also of course love all of my lovely reviewers. ADD ME TO MSN SO THAT YOU MAY PRAISE/HATE ME STILL

(and yes, that will work if you add it to msn.)

Add me to your favourite authors, so that we may converse again somewhen if I start another fanfiction. I may go more into original…in which case, I have the same name on fictionpress :D find me if you wish lol.

Love You.

END.

sniff

Goodbye. x x x x x x x

-rowanx

Rowan Arkenson

**EPILOGUE**

**You're not alone**

****

****

**'Cause everybody hurts,**

**Take comfort in your friends.**

**Everybody hurts…**

_Clumped in a little group around the table are eight teenagers, most sleeping off exhaustion from a heavy year. Sat one side are three girls called November, Priscilla, and Clarisse. Clarisse has her arms wrapped around a brown-haired, brown-eyed handsome looking boy called Remus. She is leaning against him sleeping, and his eyes are closed, his head on hers. The other side of the tables are sat Lily, James, Sirius and Peter. Peter is asleep, his legs curled into him on the squashed seat. The boys Sirius and James are playing thumb wars, and the girl Lily is sat on James, sleeping softly, her head against his shoulder and her hand on his chest. James looks content, Sirius mischievous. He grins at his friend, and then yells, loudly._

_"…BOO!"_

_Everyone awakes with a start and looks up, confused, then takes in turn to glare at a giggling Sirius. The boy called James grins at his friend in an almost brotherly fashion as everyone around grumbles and rubs their eyes, slowly awakening properly._

_"It feels weird to be going home doesn't it?" says Priscilla, yawning gracefully. _

_Her friend November nods slowly, looking around at the faces in the carriage. She stops at James and smiles lightly. "It's been a long year," she says, softly. Then she looks at Lily and grins. "But a good one." Lily smiles back gently._

_James stares at Remus, who tries to smile back and fails. _It's been a good year… _James thought, thinking of Lily… _Mostly. _He's trying to block out memories he wants to forget. You can tell by the way his eyes keep darting around the carriage, and the way he looks uncomfortable and almost claustrophobic. He smiles at Lily. "Just going to the bathroom," he whispers in her ear, kissing it. He gently gets up, sliding her into her seat, edging past everyone into the hall way. Sirius' eyes follow him all the way and after a few moments he leaves up as well. Everyone is so used to Sirius and James being so inseparable that no one even stops to think this strange._

_"Prongs?"__ Sirius says cautiously, calling out James' nickname in the hallway. James isn't even walking away. He's stood, leaning against the wall, rocking from side to side as the train is gently making its way home, but he doesn't fall over. He slides to the floor, pensively. Sirius moves to sit beside him and for a moment doesn't say anything. Just enjoys the silence between them both. And then he says, "What's on your mind?"_

_James know he doesn't really have to answer, that Sirius would be happy with a simple to shrug to say that it doesn't matter – but he answers anyway. "Just thinking about…you know. What happened at Christmas._

_Slowly Sirius nods his head, and then grins at James. "Yeah, well, you and Lily are…"_

_"No." James looks at him. "I meant…" He stops, and turns away, unable to go on._

_Sirius understands and looks away. After a moment's hesitation he says, "Things are…better, than they were you know." James stays still and silent. "I mean, the feelings are never gonna totally go away. I still…my parents… But I know it was stupid."_

_James looks at him and smiles genuinely. "It wasn't stupid. I understand. And I know what you mean. And I know you wouldn't…" he can't help lowering his eyes to Sirius' left arm and looks away painfully. Sirius looks down to his arm and fingers it gingerly._

_"I haven't since December, you know that," he reassures his worried friend._

_James stands suddenly. "I know. I was just…thinking. You know."_

_"I know." Sirius stands and the two hug briefly, before silently but comfortably making their way back to the carriage._

I'm trying to scream but I can't breathe…

Can anybody hear me?

I'm trying to dream but I can't sleep…

Can anybody shield me?

I shut my eyes and hold my cries to myself

My pride's in the shitter

But I…

Wont quit –

Never quit.

_"Hey, look, we're nearly at the station!" says Clarisse, new to the group, but kind to Remus and in everyone's hearts. Being a year younger than the rest and with another year to go at Hogwarts, she doesn't feel any need for the nostalgia the others crave. She grabs her suitcase and leaves the carriage excitedly. She is staying with Remus for a few weeks in the summer, and with a quick smile at his friends, Remus follows her._

_Peter leaves afterwards, with November and Priscilla following, and then Sirius, and then finally Lily and James, hand in hand, a weight of material possessions going with them. Outside of the station, the eight friends gather together, sparkling in the heat. Each are going their separate ways for a while, and no one knows exactly what to say. Though certain they are meeting again very soon, no one knows exactly when, or how. And it pains each to think it._

_James looks at Lily hintingly. She smiles and the two slowly move away from the group. "Hey, where are they going?" asks Sirius._

_Remus__ raises an eyebrows and then winks._

_"Ohhh," Sirius says and grins. "Final make-out session eh?"_

_Lily and James are leaving the hooting and blubber behind them as they walk over to a quiet bench near the wall of the station. Lily looks up at James. "So." She says._

_He smiles, gently, and looks down at their hands, held together. "So." He says. After a moment, "I love you."_

_"I love you," and she kisses him, gently. They break apart. "So, um, when…"_

_"James, remember, we're all going to meet up in a few weeks. We promised. So don't worry, I'm never going to ignore you or never see you again."_

_He smiled. "I know. I was just checking."_

_She laughs, and his insides melt, making him too nervous to ask. But he pushes forward and does so anyway. "Lily," he says, stopping her from gliding away. She comes back to him, face lit up and expectant. "If I… I mean, I wouldn't now, obviously. We're in a train station, we're only 17, and there's smoke everywhere and loads of people and – "_

_"James?" she urges him forward._

_He gulps, nodding. "If I…asked, sometime, maybe sometime soon, or if we both thought about it or if you thought it was a good idea…"_

_"James."_

_"If I asked would you say yes?" Her heart skips a beat and she searches his eyes. "Would you marry me?" he says softly, in a rush._

_Lily's eyes and locked on James, and she can't move, and she can't breathe. She stares at him wonderingly. And all she has to do is smile and he grins and hugs her tightly, swinging her in the air. She giggles, lightly, colour flooding her face. He kisses her._

There are worlds within worlds,

That keep rotating,

And so many thoughts that flow through my mind.

If this universe is really shrinking,

We'll be together in time…

_"Are you too done yet?" James breaks away and grins at his friend._

_"Well Moony, we're done now, obviously." He holds her to him and Remus laughs._

_Priscilla smiles. "I'd better go. I'm sure my parents are waiting around somewhere, wondering if I'm still alive._

_James laugh. "Yeah, me too." He looks to Sirius, who is staying with him for a week before going to his new flat. "Come on." He kisses Lily on the forehead, and smiles at each of his friends in turn._

_"In three weeks then yeah?" Peter asks._

_November nodded. "My house, everyone."_

_And everyone grins, moving away, waving, friends to the core, Lily and James' hands holding until the last second. James and Sirius walk off, side by side, and Sirius flings his arm around James in an almost unconscious manner. As if they'd been friends all their lives. Which they knew now they always would be, for as long as they lived._

**Well everybody hurts.**

**Sometimes,**

**Everybody cries.**

**And everybody hurts…**

**Sometimes.******

**But everybody hurts sometimes.**

**So hold on, hold on, hold on…**

**Everybody hurts**

**You're not alone.**

xxx


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